Why allies are important: My straight friend took care of me during a breakdown at Christmas dinner.

Long story, but I want to share this memory. I am always grateful to my friend, L.The dinnerI swallow the Christmas snap as it burns my throat. The alcohol flows down and evaporates into a nice, warm feeling in my stomach.“Skål!” everyone cheers in Danish before taking another shot.The kitchen is bathed in soft golden light as we sit around the dinner table. My flatmates are chatting over the radio music, but all I can hear is a blur. The alcohol coursing through my vein is turning my head as light as a cloud.It’s been 3 months, how far have I come to make these friends? I am just an exchange student. It will suck so much when I have to leave...I turn to the guy, nicknamed J, sitting next to me. He doesn’t know that I like him, but that is probably for the best. I like his curly hair, his beard, and the way he speaks English with a Danish accent. I debated leaning my head on his shoulder, perhaps for just a moment, he is so handsome…But of course, I didn’t.I am wishing J to like someone he cannot like. This is wrong. Why would I want this for him? This is not what I wanted. I want… I want… What do I wa -I mute out the inner noise as I refocus on the radio music.Coming outAfter dessert, my straight guy friends began teasing each other with the routine jokes. Somewhere along the discussion, they began calling each other fags.“No not really, you guys are not fags,” my friend, nicknamed L, laughs as the poking-fun comes to an end.L is a computer programming student from Lithuania. Despite his best effort at the age of 25, his receding hairline has become too apparent for his blonde hair to cover. He also happens to be an encyclopaedia of contemporary music. Over the course of three months, we bonded over binge watching Narcos and Stranger Things together.Maybe it is time to tell them. They deserve to know, before I'm gone.“I’m still one, though,” I whisper.A split second pass. No one says anything. Maybe it is for the best-“Did you say you are still one?” asks L. “Are you gay?”I nod with hesitation.“I kind of know already,” he says.L recalls one night when we talked about Laura Jane Grace, the transgender lead singer of the punk rock band Against Me!. I asked him what he thought about LGBT people and he sensed that the question was personal at the time. He didn’t ask me because he thought it was rude to ask another man if he is gay.“Seriously though? Fuck man, took you three months?!” he says in disbelief.The others quickly reassure me that it is okay. I cover my face out of relief. L puts his hand on my head to comfort me.“It’s okay,” L says.I knew it would be okay. I was just too scared that it wouldn’t. They are too important to me.The breakdownI stumble across the kitchen to reach for a new wine glass. I lean against the wall as I walk because the world is spinning. My body simply cannot catch up with my mind.This is all going to end one day. You will not be here forever. Is there any point to this?The glass shatters, producing a piercing echo across the room.I stand there as others gather over the glass shards. I try to clean the pieces myself but they wouldn't let me.“I’m sorry,” I whisper, covering my mouth. I feel something building within me.Why is no one yelling at me? I’m a bad person. I'm so sorry.“I’m sorry,” my voice cracks, something warm streams down my face.“What is wrong with you?!” L teases, clearly amused by my drunkenness.Everything.His expression quickly changes when he sees my face.“I’m sorry,” I repeat myself.Where is this coming from? Why am I crying? I don’t understand.L holds me in his arm. My tears drip into his shirt while I say his name repeatedly.It hurts. Why is it hurting?“Com’on, no one needs to see this,” he says as he carries me out of the kitchen like comrades in battle.To my confusion, we go to his room instead of mine.He puts his arm around my shoulder as we sit on his sofa. He asks me what is wrong.“I don’t want to hurt anyone,” I say, sobbing. “I just... want everyone to be happy...”“We are happy,” he says.“But you get to... stay here. When I’m gone… you guys won’t remember me!”I'm alone. I'm always alone. I need you guys...“Of course we will. You are such an awesome person.”“No! You will just get a new exchanger next year!”He moves opposite to me so he can look me in the eyes. He reassures me that we will keep talking through the internet after I leave.“I love you guys,” I confess. “I’m sorry.”What is love? What is friend? Make this stop. I don't want to feel anymore.“You need to stop apologising,” he tells me gently.“I’m hurting people.”“No, you’re not,” he says. “You’re hurting yourself.”What?“But I’m hurting J,” I say, avoiding eye contact.“What? What does J have to do with this?” he asks, confused.“He doesn’t know… that I like him.”“You like J?!” he asks, almost yelling.Make it stop. I don't want to feel anymore. It hurts!I nod.“I kill everything I love… by touching them! I am a broken chain... in the cycle of life,” I say. "Please make it stop, I don't want to feel anymore!"There is a pause before he gives a long sigh. I look up and see him wiping off tears behind his glasses.Please don’t cry. Why are you crying?“Please don’t… tell him,” I plead.“I won’t,” he assures me. “Look, you are in a lot of pain, I know how you fee-”Lies“No... you don’t,” I interrupt him, with a tinge of anger that I didn't know exists before.“Okay, I don’t know what you are going through exactly but...” he stops.I don't mean it. I'm sorry.He asks if he can let me talk to another flatmate who is a lesbian. I nod. She comes in and puts her arm around my shoulder. The three of us kept talking until I exhaust myself out of tears and emotion."I love you guys..." I whisper."We know."Two days later“Fuck man, you just went silent the next day,” says L.We are having tea in the evening. We haven't properly talked since that night.“I know,” I say as I take another sip from my mug.The morning after the Christmas dinner, I went to a nearby woods for a stroll without carrying my phone. I couldn’t see my flatmates after that night, I needed time to reflect on what happened.I ended up hiding at a friend’s house for the remainder of the day, feeling anxious about how L and others would say about my behaviour the previous night.L tried to contact me in every way he could after I disappeared. He called me, sent me SMS, sent me Facebook messages, but I was unreachable. He began to worry when Facebook showed my last update was over 20 hours ago.“The first thing I thought was that you went out and offed yourself. You know I’m from Lithuania and the suicide rate there is just…” he didn’t finish the sentence.I grip my mug tighter.“... That’s the first thing that came to my mind,” he says as he snaps his finger. "Just like that."I was withdrawing myself to spare him the trouble of dealing with me, but instead, I created new problems that I couldn't foresee.“I’ve made you worried…,” I don’t know what to say.“No worries man, just don’t disappear next time,” he says, smiling.Where would I be if he wasn’t there? Would I really..."Also, I feel kind of bad for you," he says. "I can't imagine growing up with these feeling that you don't understand and there's no one to explain what is happening. Sometimes people even expect you to behave in completely opposite way..."I look back up at him. A warm feeling rises in my chest, maybe it's just the tea."And you know, about J," he says. "That was a really childish thing for you to do. Those were things that teenagers would say in high school."Harsh... but true."You will find new love some day. You will get over it. That's life," he reassures me."I appreciate your honesty, thank you," I say.He confesses that he didn't really know any gay person before me and that he even once think gay people are weird and foreign. "You've changed my perspective," he tells me.There is a pause.“Thank you, for everything,” that is all I manage to utter.“All's well that ends well,” he says.I smile.TL;DR: I got drunk and came out at Christmas dinner followed by a breakdown. My Lithuanian friend took care of me.