Am I really gay?

Hey everyone. I've come to believe that I'm not actually gay, however, my sexual desires are a result of adverse, or lacking interactions with men during my childhood.I've never had close relationships with men. (Dad, brothers, uncles). This was because growing up, I didn't understand male culture, so I felt excluded from it. I was often teased for not acting like the other guys. And as a result I made very few guy friends. I began to resent men because I felt like not only did I not belong to their male culture, but I desperately wanted to connect with guys in the way that other men did.As a result I projected this need for male connection and attention, in the form of attraction. I became attracted to that which I didn't see in myself. Men are elusive to me, which attracts me to them. Sex is the only way I can connect to men. I don't have any male friends.I have depression, anxiety, and BPD, and I believe these diagnoses can partially be attributed to my lack of connection with males, and my unstable sexual orientation/identity.I've only had sex with men, but I don't find myself emotionally attached to them. I believe if I was properly socialized as a child, my sexual orientation might be more clear.