Probably Gay, very Anxious

So Even thinking about writing this is telling me the answer, but I'll write it anywayI've been mildly anxious for as long as I can remember about the thought of being gay Growing up I'd always be like Nah I could never If I was that would suck What would I doGrowing up, my best mate came out as gay when we were 16, then I found out my closest cousin was a lesbian, and then one of my other best friends came out as a gay, and fast forward to 18 years old I met a friend online which lead to me meeting a whole group of gay people whom of which I became pretty close with. But it wasn't until I was 20 when I lost my virginity that the crippling anxiety started. I started casually seeing this girl after a bit of young history, and we had sex probably 6 times And I cut it off twice, mid way and more recently because it just didn't feel rightAnd ever since the day we first had sex my mind has just been a war field, and I feel like I've lost touch with everything, I feel like I'm incapable of feeling love for anyone, including my family, and I feel like that's a result of internalized homophobia, hating myself or the idea of me being gay / bisexualI came to terms with the fact that I'm gay/bisexual in the new year, but I still feel like i haven't come to terms with it, because my mind keeps feeding me all this dark & negative shit, equating being gay with being much worst thingsBut most of my friends, and my close cousin, all gay, I love sooooo much and could never think any less of them, but the idea of ME being gay Kinda crushes me And I hate that I feel this way But I feel like I'm stuck in this holeAnd I feel like if I were to come out to them (which I know would be safe, because they're gay so it obv can't go bad) they would wonder why I thought I was straight for so long (god that sounds ridiculous) and I know my family would be alright with it, it would probably take my parents a few days to be normal but I really am scared of those few days, they are quite open minded (I have my gay friends and cousin over all the time, they love them to death) but idk All the little gay jokes here and there in my fam scare the shit out of me even though they're not that bad, and I know my family would come aroundThis anxiety is just crippling I'm meeting up with my cousin soon And I can't wait to tell her Because I know I'll feel much betterBut at the same time I'm so death scared of itOn top of all this I still sexually am into girls so I feel like I'm bisexualBut the whole world tells me bisexual men don't exist and I know this is stereotype / not real But I can't convince myself and I hate itAnd I don't even know what the point of this post is anymoreI just needed to vent I guess 😞