In Between A Rock & The Closet - Need Help/Advice please, each day is making me extremely desperate.

I'm a first time poster, so I'm not sure if this is the right place to ask, I posted this on another subreddit, guess that makes me a second time poster, oh well... here goes.I do not know how to begin this.I’ve put off the thought of seeking advice to my current and ongoing predicament until now as I didn’t feel comfortable with the idea, but I’ve become a little bit desperate and here I am on the internet, and I’m sorry for the long story, but I hope someone could give me a fresh insight or feel sympathetic and understand my situation - it may find some resonance or familiarity with any readers. In which case; I hope whatever responses come from this, something may help you.I've been struggling to determine my sexuality over the past several years, however that has come to a near impossibility as the whole ‘dating’ thing is completely forbidden in our family and by that extension, my entire culture. Throughout my school years I was continually bullied for being friends with someone who also was struggling coming to terms with their sexuality (but I wouldn’t know this until we had a falling out), but didn’t care about hiding his flamboyancy or campiness – in fact he was rather proud of it. I myself was also camp to some degree, but people mostly called me the usual names; “fag, poof, gay, bum boy” etc. and bullied my friend the same as well. Though I’d be bullied as well for being friends with this person too, with people saying “Are you gay too, since your best friends with that fag” – so for all those years I kept replying back, “I’m not gay, just because I’m friends with a person who is camp, doesn’t automatically mean I’m gay – and doesn’t mean he’s gay either” – after saying that I’d usually get punched, kicked or someone would throw their lunch at me.Anyway, long-story short; after high-school, my friend and nearly all my friends fall out with me because they thought I was homophobic, which wasn’t remotely true. And when I confronted my friend about this spread lie, he said he did it because I’m not an atheist like him, and my religion has a clear stance against homosexuality and because I was a Muslim, he just assumed I’d be the same as what he read, so for the past 2 years he was treating me unkindly and distrustfully because of this assumption. I was deeply hurt by this, and asked very simply, “You know I don’t care about any of that, and you’ve no right to be so afraid, I thought we were friends, why didn’t you just ask me, never mind trust me?” – he went on to say he was worried I’d out him, and hate him, or beat him up like the others in school. I couldn’t believe that, this was all a huge shock to me. So, I lost my closest friends that day. During this time, anyway, I was struggling to figure myself out as well, but unlike him, I had kept denying it every time someone joked or would ask “Are you gay?” – then I’d usually get laughed at or beaten up or have someone throw something at me, so saying no meant only getting pushed around, and not a complete beating especially from the Asian guys, my best friend did the same tactic as well. He also didn’t know that people used to speak about him in classes behind his back, and I’d defend him and get beaten up as a result.So, in a way, it was really ironic for me to lose my closest friend over the fact that he assumed I was homophobic, when I really wasn’t and for all my life up this point knew I wasn’t straight, kept getting called gay, kept getting bullied or teased by peers, friends, family etc. I kept denying it to everyone because I was terrified of the consequence and now I’m completely afraid to do anything at all.A year before our falling out, I made several attempts to commit suicide, I was extremely depressed and bottled everything in, I didn’t know it at the time that I had bi-polar disorder and severe clinical depression – that was only until my diagnosis when I tried to commit suicide again during college, due to many reasons such as hating myself and my life but also with conflictions between my religion and my sexuality being one of them.What I do know is that I’m not straight, but struggle between whether I’m a homosexual or just asexual – I just don’t know. And never had the opportunity to figure it out as most of my peers who’ve all done so after the age of 16. Though I knew I wasn’t straight as soon as I underwent puberty – after high school I tried to commit suicide openly as mentioned; this time I sent one written message to a friend and then having said friend find me and stop me before I did, things went a little shit after that, with family, school and most people finding out about it all – which led to an official diagnosis.My family do not really understand mental illness, this was perhaps their first up close and personal interaction with something of that nature – so their response was, putting it lightly, less than abrasive and heated or melodramatic as I was expecting. But my siblings didn’t take it well at all, calling me selfish and ruining their lives etc. I was beaten up by my brother and my sisters called me all sorts of names. My parents never knew the other reasons behind my depression; they think depression isn’t really a thing and ‘it’s all in your head”, they thought I was going through a phase and putting it on. I never told the physiatrists in our group sessions and the assumption was my failings in school – I was failing all my exams and when I was forced to return back to school I skipped lessons. My medication and therapy sessions were stopped by my Dad without my knowing until it was too late to do anything about it, and I was, you could say forced to go back into my shell and pretend everything was ok again as I did during my time in high school.I didn’t complain either as I was constantly reminded on how much stress, pain and anguish I caused my parents from the looks on their faces and also from my siblings – that really cut it deeply for me. I never wanted to hurt my family. But I would be if I ever told them the truth about myself, they are extremely kind and loving, but are also extremely religious. My siblings find any LGBT people to be “fucking weird”, my father constantly makes jokes about the “poofs” whenever they’re mentioned anywhere and my mum considers them “sinful and dirty people who will go to hell” – My friends now believe I’m straight, but just with camp tendencies or I’m asexual because I’ve never dated anyone plus shy away from conversation regarding sex or their intimate details – they often joke on my inevitable arranged marriage. And everyone I know think I’m straight as well, after all those years of bullying me of course.I am personally sinking deeper into thinking that my life here is completely pointless. When I went to University I secretly began the therapy sessions and so on, and asked for advice – most of them told me to leave to another city when I’m financially able to – and if I felt comfortable, then come out to the people I knew. I didn’t see how that was possible, simply because I love my family deeply, and have no intention on hurting them. I never wanted to disappoint them and after they found out about my suicide attempt and ‘illness’, all I could see from that was just me disappointing everyone and that really killed me inside. I don’t want to do it for a second time with something that would possibly give somebody in my family a heart attack. I don’t want to separate from them – they are quite literally the only family I have left, and I don’t hate them for their lack of understanding because I know it was a shock to them and something they’ve probably never experienced before.I just don’t want to hurt them. But this really would, it would kill the ‘image’ of the son they thought they have – and they’ve been through enough (not including me) shit in their lives. My depression has gotten worse and worse over the years, I rarely talk, I don’t sleep some days and oversleep other days. I don’t eat properly anymore and have no motivation to leave my bed, let alone get a job. My anxiety makes me terrified in meeting new people and every night I hope that I’ll fall asleep and never wake up, especially since I’ve given up trying to kill myself. I still self-harm from time to time depending on how bad of a breakdown I have. But it’s not an addiction or anything like that. I’m not religious like them, I believe in God, and that’s probably the only thing that’s made my suicide attempts fail so many times, and I’m struggling to reconcile my faith with my sexuality since the two are so contradictory and rely on interpretation of scripture which I have no real authority on.I’m stuck between being fed up of lying to myself and everyone else and pretending for all these years that I’m fine and nothing is wrong. I’ve had a long time to think of the only options I have given the circumstance I am an, and it comes down to at least 3 - none of them are a win-win situation, I need some help or advice please –I mentioned how I cannot trust my siblings, due to how they are when anything LGBT is mentioned. Cannot tell friends because when a few of them are drunk they can’t hold a secret and blurt it all out for everyone because to them “it doesn’t matter, you should be able to do whatever you want” – plus I would hate for all of them to say “I knew it”, which makes all these years of horrible torture just become an ironic irrelevancy, and yet I’ve lived through all that and don’t want to feel as if my pain was worth nothing.Certainly, cannot tell my parents. Cannot tell extended family, as I don’t know or trust them. Cannot tell a religious authority or figure, as they'd somehow find it their 'moral' obligation to inform my family, plus I'd become the next topic for a lecture or something. So, I have not just their reactions to worry about, I know the other altercations that will come after it's been told. So, my counsellor said, "well, you've come to me, why did you think now was the time to say something? Maybe keeping quiet as you put it would be the best since nothing else seems to be workable for you".Ok, let me lay them out to you, the first option is: The most damaging to all - to get married, lie to the girl, her family, my family, myself and when it comes to the question of children, have arguments and her telling her family about it, questions will arise, I'd be outed, shamed and everyone will know. The damage will be to my parents and my family, to her and her family, and then myself.The second, which is the least damaging to my parents, but the most damaging to myself. To tell my parents and siblings and get the pressure of marriage off my back, but if anyone asked questions, the excuse would be I'm busy with my work, if I ever manage a job. But then to remain celibate, my parents will be disappointed to their deathbeds, but no-one else but us would know and they won't get hurt by everyone else for it. I'd then live a life of loneliness.The third, which is the most damaging to my parents, but not that damaging to me, which is to come out, have my parents accept or not accept me, and I leave and live my life - I'd eventually be sort of happy with how things turned out, but everyone will talk about my parents, they'd be constantly looked down upon, they'd be seen as failures in bringing me up, and in some cases isolated in their own community. And I cannot bear seeing disappointment on my parents faces, especially my mum who cries over the thought of me going to hell for not praying five times a day, to tell her I'm gay would kill her. So, to do that and leave her vulnerable to society and everyone in it. I can't. I don't want to detach myself from my family.So, maybe I’ve missed something and someone else can point that out to me? How can I be happy, and try and keep everyone else somewhat happy? I know it’s really idealistic, but I’m not a person who could bear unhappiness with the people I love.Again, I’m sorry for how long this is.(I will try to respond to comments as quickly as I can, thank you)