feeling scared and ashamed of myself

I'm 18, and came to the realization last year I think I'm probably gay, thought I was straight but I think I was just lying to myself. Since then I haven't really been depressed, more of just distressed and scared because of it.I just never thought that this is where my life would be. I feel angry for being fucked out of a normal life to an extent. I feel somewhat ashamed about my attraction to men, and general submissiveness, feeling emasculated. Just feeling worse and less of a man. Whenever I actually engage in any of it I just feel bad afterward.What's wrong with me? I want to talk to someone in real life about this but I feel my entire perception of myself would be changed to them.I don't want to be some guy looking like some stereotypical pride parade guy. And I definitely don't ever want to talk to my parents about this, I just feel like i'd be a disappointment. I never grew up in an overtly conservative place and no one really gave a shit about that stuff....