An identity crisis?

Hello fellow redditors,I am really new to reddit so i don't know how this will work but.. here it goes! Sorry for the long post in advance.Well, I am a 21 year old male living in Turkey. I recently started to question my sexuality. I know it's a bit late, but i had personal problems because of shitty family, had depression and anxiety and all around a life which made it hard to focus on anything else but survival.Now, after 2 years of therapy and some healthy boundaries with my family, i am ready to confront my gayness.My family belonged to upper strata of socio-economical system,so I had a relatively easy life. They are no means intellectual people, but they allowed me to continue my education in top-tier schools. Me and my close circle of friends can be considered open-minded. I don't know if you are familiar with Turkey and it's ethical values so i will make a quick remark. In turkey, sex and all things sex related are a bit of taboo. Even in Istanbul and even in families with seemingly open-minded people, this social norm reigns. Also, sexism and homophobia is kind of a norm here.So embracing my gayness is not a walk in the park. This is an identity issue, so i figured I could use the help of other gay people in Turkey. So I began investigating. Online. Watching pro-lgbt documentaries, researching pro-lgbt foundations, looking for anti-discrimination laws and media portrayal of lgbt people. The results were disappointing.Before moving on, I would like to clear something up. I grew up with a narcissitic mother and enabler father and grandmother. It was hard building any kind of identity, let alone a gay one. I was an investment for my mother, and she did everything she could to remind me that. So all my life can be boiled down to an identity building process. Always trying to escape the grasp of my mother, trying to make my own decisions, being a “person” before being a “son” and in general, being an individual free from her indoctrinations. This kind of childhood made me who I am today. I already built an identity. And I am fine with it. I dont want my sexuality to define me. I dont want to be “the gay friend”. It’s not about shame, it’s a cry against one-dimensional character stigma. Also, the stigma comes up with so much prejudice… The turkish society assumes all gay people are effeminate, that they are all bottoms and wanna be women and/or crossdressers. I can’t fight against this stigma. I fought all my life for an original identity, and now I can’t do it again against a society. I can’t go on and educate countless people I have to meet about the naturality of being gay. I just don’t have that kind of energy in me. I want to implement homosexuality into my already existing identity. I want it to be a normal thing like being straight.Anyhow, let’s move on to results. The turkish society is NOT ready for lgbt people. Since 2001 we have Erdogan here and he fuels ignorance and convervatism through religion and hate speech associated with it. The idea of masculinity , coupled with sexism and homophobia makes it nearly impossible for people to accept lgbt people. They are so bloody ignorant about us, and they have no intention to learn about us. On the other hand, one of biggest lgbt foundation in the country uses donations for personal gains. Gay people themselves are so confused, as Iobserved when I entered into a chatroom. They have serious sexual identity issues, apart from their real life problems (homelessness, sex trafficking and/or living false lives by marrying). One of the documentaries I watched was about lgbt people’s families who are accepting and formed a foundation to help other lgbt youth and their parents. It’s called “My child.” In the middle of it, the mother of a trans activist tells the story of his girl’s coming out. She says : “When I quit the doctor’s office, I cried for days. Because I had a son, I had a brave young man, I had dreams. And suddenly, all of İstanbul came down on me.” Fast forward to a group theraphy session where the a theraphist says : “I know it’s hard, but accepting is the start for the recovery. Remember when you were fighting this, remember that feeling and imagine you feel it for 20 years. Now you have done something for yourselves, before your children. You are starting to accept it.” This documentary gave me such a headache , that I still get furious when I think about it. It’s not about gay pride, it’s not about gay acceptance, it’s not about normality at all. It’s about tolerance. All the parents, all the doctors there, they are just trying to get over the emotional pain of their heteronormative world views shattering because of their gay or trans kids. They accept it like this. They just try to tolerate it. This point of view in particular hurts me immensely. The key to a happy future, according to a lot of people in Turkey, is to have a marriage and bearing kids.I know in my heart, that I am normal. I am a human being above all else. I know that enjoying male phsique doesn’t decrease my value as a human being. But I struggle to extend this view to outside world. I just can’t deal with it.A couple of my best friends are male. We frequently have hand jokes (where we touch each other) and gay jokes. What f they learn that I am gay? I suspect that they will question out friendship, even though ı don’t have sexual attraction towards them. What about my family? The biggest dream they have for me, is that I mary and bear grandchildren. I don’t care about them, but they will try to send me to a doctor and I cannot deal with it. What about my profession? I am currently getting my law degree. There are no anti-discrimination laws in my country, and I doubt anyone would have a faggot as their lawyer.I have some kind of fantasy for myself, where I am accepted as I am, with all my flaws, shortcomings and my sexuality. Where I can use my law degree for a difference, taking on pro-bono cases for lgbt youth or other disadvantaged groups. But I know that I cannot realize all of this. I am just not that brave. I cannot go into another battle, just to exist on my own terms.So everyday, I question myself. My authenticity for lying all of my friends. My motivation, as I see no future for myself. My strenght, as I cannot overcome these obstacles. I am just stuck. Frozen in time.I am trying all I can. Trying to keep up with pro-lgbt media. Watching sense8 or happy endings for example. Or trying a way to come out to my friends. It’s not their reaction that worries me, i fear the stigma.So, that’s it. You guys are my newest hope. I hope that ı can find a community here, a better one than in turkey. Normal people, leading normal lives who happen to be gay. I don’t know what I’m hoping to gain from this. Maybe approval? Maybe a little part inside of me still tells me I am anormal? Some kind of motivation?I am sorry that this turned out to be such a long post. I did not realize all this need to tell my story. I am sorry if I presented myself as a privileged little bitch. I sure feel like this, after venting out and writing all this vulnerable things. I may come off as needy or weak but I am putting myself out here. Please read and respond if you could? I really need to believe in the kindness of strangers.Thanks,With love and hope.