I feel like an alien in this world.

Ok, so here's some context. A lot of gay men I know have always had sex with men and have lived only gay since they were teens. I'm 27 years old and have had sex with only women in my life, but it is more complicated than that. I grew up in a home where you just simply were not gay. There was no ifs ands or 'butts' ;). But, I grew up in a Catholic home and being gay was just the same as saying you wanted a one way ticket to Hell. So, throughout my teens I would always be drawing dicks. Like the kid in Superbad. I was obsessed with drawing dicks. And would continue to draw dicks until now actually lol. My friends would freak out and think it was disgusting, but I didn't see what the problem was. The first time I saw a vagina I fainted and it was in sex ed on the overhead projector in sixth grade. My mom picked me up and for years I was terrified of vaginas and would look weirdly at all my girl classmates because I knew that they had one and it was scary to me. I'd have nightmares of my head being swallowed by vaginas and I was just sick over it all. So, I go through high school and never had sex. I was in drama and loved to sing and couldn't play sports to save my life, but when it came time to shower in PE I was very hesitant to shower with my friends. Especially one of my friends who was the only one who showered naked and I liked staring at his dick and I didn't want to be caught staring. I graduate high school and I meet a girl who is obsessed with me and she demands we become girlfriend and boyfriend. Well, I wouldn't have sex with her because I was terrified to and she begged and pleaded and after months we finally did and I was like,"Eh, that's it." I was so let down and felt betrayed by the world for saying how amazing it was. So, we broke up one night after I watched the movie 'Milk' and I cried and was so absorbed in the film. She told me that she just didn't feel like we had anything and she left me. Then for years I'd have sex and be with girls but it felt like an act to me. Like, this was the role I was supposed to play. Every relationship would fizzle out and I always left them. I was never intense about relationships FYI. The girl was always the one who would insist on being together and I'd relent. So, now here I am at 27 and I took a year to focus on my mental health and physical health after being laid off. And during this year it was like a light bulb turned on and all memories of my life came flooding to me. What makes me sad is how repressed I have been and why has being a homosexual been so buried inside of me. I feel cheated on life and feel that the pressures of society in a way traumatized me into living straight. I want to be with a man, but I am so behind the times on what gay men have gone through for years. If I had only fucked men since I was sixteen then I know I'd have a better grasp on this. But, I just feel so weird when I get on Grindr, Growlr, or Tinder. I just need some help on accepting this is who I am and trying to go from here.TL;DR: Repressed gayness my whole life. Didn't act on it. Now accepting it. Lost on where to go on from here.