Not even sure what to title this

So I'm 19, almost 20. Gay I guess considering I don't even remotely like girls. I'm 6'3 and should weigh like 190 but I weigh 233 right now (down from 240). My problem is I just wake up disgusted with myself every day. I don't like being overweight and I'm attracted to people who obviously wouldn't even remotely take a second look at me :/. I don't like fems (in terms of attraction, nothing personally). It seems like if there's anyone out there that's a normal "dude" that likes guys doesn't exist. I'm extremely closeted, so in all honestly I'd love to find someone in the same boat who isn't going to make it obvious everywhere I go that I'm gay. But that doesn't really matter because on a scale of 0-10 I'm like a 2, maybe 3 with a good angle.I'm just tired of hating myself and being depressed. I don't like who I am and quite frankly I'm not "comfortable" being gay. I'm not suicidal but I really just don't care to be alone forever, ugly as all fuck, and paying bills with nearly all of the money I get from a shitty job. I'm so overwhelmed by apathy that it's driving me nuts. I'm so lonely and been through so much depression that I don't need meds, I'm just numb now and I hate it. I feel like if being gay is rare,then of the gays I'm even that much more different.Anyone been there? Have any advice? I really don't see how it's so easy for all of you :/