first gay relationship advice

about a month ago i started college in madrid, a way bigger city than my hometown, a brand new life filled with dreams and expectations but also a chance to discover who i really am.although i’ve dated girls all my life, the last sexual encounters and relations made me question my sexuality. last summer i kissed a guy at a disco and then we did a couple things in his car ... i was drunk af and the next day i totally regretted it. i was confused and although the guy tried to contact me over the following days i decided to focus on girls and forget about that night .however, once i moved here i decided to give guys another chance, a sober one, just to confirm or discard the possibility once and for all. So i just opened tinder and started swiping guys and girls out of curiosity. one of them was christian.we started texting and eventually, we decided to meet up. the first time was different from what i expected a tinder hookup to be. instead of trying a good dick i found myself getting to know a person with whom i had many things in common, a very cute guy that made me feel happy, safe and comfortable around. days passed and it all felt like a dream to me. we would go for a walk in the park, have dinner at some trendy bar in malasaña or just netflix and chill for several hours and whenever i was with him i felt like my new life was complete.the problem always came when i had to say goodbye and go home. once i was alone and without him, my fears and insecurities came back... i knew where this was going, and my tendency to overthink was not helping at all. hanging out with christian meant, for good or for worse, living a double life: a strictly straight one to follow my social agenda and a more queer one, a true version of myself, a happier one. after spending the night at his place i had to justify it by lying to the rest of my people and although i really thought of him as my soulmate, i wished i could break our tiny bubble and mix both lives together without the consequences of coming out.he, who has been with way many guys than me, was aware of all of this from the very first moment we started dating, and he was willing to give this a chance and see where this road would take us. i didn’t want to put him in such a hard position because i could understand how hard it was to be with such a sexually confused guy, and whenever we talked about this we would get to the same conclusion : i had internalized homophobia, bisexualphobia to be more specific. eventually, this ‘phobia’ took over myself. without even doing it on purpose, i started avoiding him, canceling our plans yet never proposing an alternative, and he felt dodged. he would let me know how he felt, always without putting too much pressure on me bc we could understand each other on a spiritual level.yesterday i woke up very sick. my liver was hurting so bad and so was my head. we were supposed to see each other since i had already canceled plans with him on sunday. and what did i do ? blow him off again. i told him that i wasn’t feeling alright at all and that it wasn’t even about him, i was not in the mood to see anybody. we started arguing over the phone about how i always had an excuse to cancel on him, about how busy i was and how he was not a priority for me. i’m not the kind of person to talk this though the phone so i went to his place.i told him how i felt. i told him about my insecurities , about how i felt at night and about how i did not want to fall in love with him and discard the possibility of ever being with a girl again, and that i didn’t see a point in keep seeing each other if eventually i was gonna leave him. my straight self and society spoke for me and closed the door to my chances with him he kept asking me for more reasons. he had never asked me to meet my friends or to come out, no pressure at all as i said before but he just couldn’t understand how i could just say no to a thing that hadn’t even started yet. i started doing that ‘ it’s not u it’s me ‘ shit talk and he told me he did not want to hear it, so i left .i didn’t feel bad when i closed that door. my phobic conscience kept telling me it was for the better.Today i woke up in better shape. no liver pain, no headache either, and i felt so guilty and miserable. they say you don’t know what you got until it’s going and that ain’t nothing but a fact . fuck society. fuck double lives. i’ve realized that i want to be with him , that i want to see where this goes and allow myself to be happy for once. i don’t wanna play with nobody’s feelings and whoever reads this might think that i’m a psychotic bipolar, but that’s just how i feel. is it too late now?