My (A Gay Guy) First Attempt on A Relationship with A Straight Guy

Another school year meant new friends, new memories, new experiences. Immediately, my year started off great. Over the course of summer, I've undergone a lot of things. I got myself a haircut to die for, actually seriosuly worked out and brushed up on my sense of fashion that was always in there but was just waiting to be awakened from its slumber. So obviously, I instantly grew popular in school. It wasn't that I craved attention, but once it's given to you, it's kinda hard to get off.I made new friends of people I never even dreamt of sitting beside with. The jocks, the queens AND the nerds, I felt like I could fit in to any of them whenever I wanted. So, when class was officially beginning, we had our orientation on Media and Information Literacy, which meant the class evacuating to the cyber lab.As is in any class, the teacher tried to entertain and educate us at the same time while everyone else tried to chatter off amongst themselves. I was one of the people who actually listened. After all, I had to earn my keep to the nerds section.That was when one of the jocks talked to me. John, his name was. Soon after introducing himself, he proceeded to bury me with his endless line of corny jokes. I pretended to laugh when I can, so as not to seem rude since we just met, but my mind was trying to recall everything I knew about him the entire time.We've been in the same school since elementary, but he kinda never existed until now, or at least to me. He tagged along with the typical jock brotherhood, but he was kind of the nice one in the bunch, the one who'd stop the group from going overboard with their bullying and pranks, but that's not to say he didn't join in whenever he can.He was nice enough, actually really kind and perhaps cute in that boy-next-door way but he was getting annoying. I mean, I'm not a snob but sometimes, I don't really socialize with some people because I know the conversation would just end in awkward silence and disbanding. My humor lands me a seat in any table I choose, but I enjoy deep, long conversations about life and problems. John just didn't seem the type. Whenever he talked to me, or cracked his shitty jokes, I'd smile, even laugh, but I never said anything more. I felt sorry as that put him in an awkward position but sometimes, people try to cover for the insecurity of this situation by, ironically, persisting with more awkward conversations.I lost track of how, but soon, I developed feelings for the guy. My saying he was quite was cute kind of an understatement, though calling him hot would be a step too far. Let's just say he's attractive, is part of the basketball varsity, and that's enough to have girls swooning. He was popular too, but we got along awkwardly. As the days went by, he started doing these cheesy things to and for me. He'd often sneak up on me and kiss me on the cheeks by surprise or whenever I talked to him online about a task for the school project I wanted him to do, he'd reply with a "Okay, baby.", complete with a kiss emoji. Don't get me wrong, he's naturally flirtatious, and who's to say he doesn't do that to others, even to other guys, but it made me fall for him. I tried to think nothing of it, but I can't ignore how sometimes, he'd stare into my eyes a fraction too long, and that he's willing to do anything I ask him to. I'd even go as far as testing him and say silly things like "I miss you, baby." and he wouldn't even seem fazed. He'd even reply with an equally cheesy remark, complete with the baby endearment.By then, my feelings developed and the worse thing was that I hadn't even realized it. I'd spend sleepless nights pondering about our relationship, and how earlier I expressed my annoyance as to how he keeps asking for my perfume even though he has his own, and he'd replied that he "wanted to smell the same as me". I rolled my eyes, but I'd be lying if I said my heart didn't flutter for a moment.One day, I was in a bad mood, and as usual, ended up staying up late chatting with him. Out of boredom, I cracked one of my own jokes to match his but he went quiet all of a sudden and dismissed. Admittedly, it kinda hurt, but not so much as to merit what I did next. I completely shut him off and ignored him for days to come. He was confused by my behavior at first, and even tried to communicate with me as usual, but I gave him the cold shoulder and this has got him worried.He apologized profusely, personally and through chat but I always turned a blind eye. I've long cooled off since then, and was keeping the act up for my own amusement, but I was touched by his concern and care for me and our friendship which I thought little of, but to him, was something special. No one's ever been that way to me before, and it felt something more than friendship, and that was how I was, indubitably, completely, foolishly in love with him.I decided to forgive him. I tried going back as to how things were before. I responded to his subtle intimate suggestions but something felt off. I should've known something was wrong then, but life went on as usual, and I was falling even further. He was more than relieved I started talking to him again, and was more intimate than before. He'd hug me, kiss me more, and stay late with me in school even though I wanted to be alone. If I hang out at the bleachers with my friends while the basketball varsity practiced, he'd meet my gaze and publicly announce that this shot was for me. It'd go in more often than not.See, I've never been out, at all, but I met this girl who was from another country, and she was damn well open-minded. Actually, if I was straight, I'd totally have the hots for her. No joke when I say she's pretty, smart, and really kind. Also, she's athletic. We had been groupmates with John and others on a certain project, and after the group session, we'd both stay behind and I'd fill her in on what was going on. She actually said it was 'sweet' and that I shouldn't feel ashamed because love is something that transcends sexuality and gender, but she did advise me to just keep it to myself for now because as far as she knows (and to my knowledge, too), John was homophobic and that to be fair to me and him, I had to make sure my feelings weren't just a 'spur of the moment' thing, and would be gone next thing I know.The thing is, it wasn't. What I felt, am feeling, is as genuine as can be. The scary thing was, I've never felt this way before. Sure, I've been gay for as long as I can remember and my attraction to men didn't really come as a surprise but I always had my eyes on impossibe guys. You know, the typical celebrity, and even a little on my step-dad (long story, but if you're interested, I'd share about it on another article) for a period of time, but to be attracted to a classmate, to a friend, it scared the living hell out of me. It was exciting, exhilarating even. I've never been in a relationship, never wanted to be in one anyhow until now. I wanted nothing more than his affection for me and to be able to express my own to him.That was when things went wrong.I was well-aware of his infamy as a fuck-boy (if you don't know what that means, look it up), and after I fell for his charms and maneuvers, he kinda felt distant afterwards. We were still friends but whenever I reached out, he didn't respond with the usual energy. It was as if after he got what he want, he just kinda left me in the dust. I was something special, something different, a rare male trophy to be added to his collection of women he's charmed in similar ways.Little by little, I was seeing him under a different light. He was kind, that was still true at least, but he jumped from woman to woman, and would leave once he decides he's bored. What I found disgusting was how he ends things so cowardly. He'd suddenly grow cold to the poor girl, and blame her for as to why the relationship didn't work out. The longest one was (surprise, surprise) one fucking month. And that's not all. He actually BELIEVES that it's the girls' fault. Like, it's not, and never was, his fault he gets bored, and he doesn't even mention it. The fact that he's grown tired of the girl, that is.I know all this about him, and I resent it from my very core, but woe is me when I say that I still like him. I'm still protective about him, steering him from friends who were bad influence, from doing things he'd regret like going to the mall in boxers (sure, that's hot, but on him? Nope. Just nope.). Basically, I was protecting him from himself out of love. He was a sad sop who craves attention although he was already good enough, at least for me. He subtly shadows over popularity and it hurts my heart to know that he thinks himself less of what he is, and that's what's making him less of a person. It's complicated, as is in every love situation. All I know is I still love him although he hurt me and constantly hurts himself, and I'll admit it sucks that he's VERY open-minded (note the sarcasm) and won't be willing to do anything with me other than win me over, but like my friend said, love is something that transcends gender and sexuality. I have never had sexual thoughts of him (okay, I do, but they don't really turn me on) because all I want is to love and be loved by him.So, uhmm, that's my story. Shitty, I know. Long story short, he kinda made me fall for him which I did (my fault, I know) and I'm beginning to crave a relationship but I feel like a gay man can't satisfy me (once more, my fault). I can't really descrbe it as well as I could and didn't want to proofread it for fear that if I do, I might lose my nerve and delete what I poured my heart and time into, so pardon the grammatical lapses and misspelled words. If you think it's my fault, I won't feel offended. It's always nice to have someone else's opinions because like I said, I never came out to my friends. Tell me what you think, and help with what you can. If homosexuality offends you, I can make another article about that. Until then, thanks for reading and good luck to your own personal lovelives because I sure as hell know things can get damn complicated. Buh-bye.