I guess I'm just lonely.

On a throw away.I'm a younger guy that is only attracted to men over 40. Youngest guy I've ever been with was 42. I'm not hard on the eyes (what I've been told. I am very insecure), so finding older men to have sex with hasn't ever really been a problem.I'm in a relationship with a pretty good guy..but we just don't see eye to eye on anything. He's a conservative red neck type which isn't usually my MO (business/professional men are all I'm usually interested in but we just..clicked I guess?)But now I'm starting to realize how lonely I am. I don't really ever talk to him about personal things because it usually just turns into an argument when he tries to make it about politics or me being from a liberal state so my beliefs are dumb or something similar. It just never really turns out that well.Lately I've felt super guilty because I've been fantasizing about being with other men..but tonight I realized I don't want to cheat on him in the traditional way. I do love him and don't want to hurt him like that..the fantasies are really just about having an older gay man as a friend that is compassionate, loving, makes me feel special, enjoys talking to me, etc. It clicked when I realized these "fantasies" usually were imagined in my head as after sex, not the sex itself..or just simple shit like going out to eat and feeling so happy with this guy I've been imagining.I told myself it was just a way to make myself feel better cuz if it wasn't a sexual fantasy..why did this guy have to be older? Why couldn't it be with a guy in his early 20s like me? ...but I'm finally in acceptance I have some daddy issues and in a way wish I had a dad growing up that made me feel safe. The feeling of safety is honestly one of my biggest turn ons. When a man wraps his arms around me and pulls me close during sex, I usually can't hold back and finish almost immediately.I just don't know what to do. I don't want to cheat on my boyfriend. I want an older man in my life that would just enjoy talking to me, as I with him. I feel so fucking weird and pathetic when I realized I have these daddy issues but that the thought of a loving older man care about me can turn me on as much as it does. I mean what the fuck? Seriously I feel like such a weird guy and lately have completely shut myself off from my friends and family because of how conflicting this issue is and how much I hate how weird I am.I guess I just used this sub as my fucking livejournal and I'm sorry. I just feel so fucking alone lately, and it hasn't been as bad as it is tonight for a really long time. A cycle of fantasizing about being held and feeling a sense of safety and joy, which leads to me being turned on, which leads to me jerking off, which leads to me feeling so embarrassed of how odd I am, which starts the whole cycle over.I guess I'm just wondering if any of you have ever even heard of something similar happening. Probably not..but I just feel I needed to put these demons out there tonight. I'm so tired of being alone and hating myself for my weird ass fantasies. Even if no one replies or this gets downvoted to hell, I'm hoping that putting it out there might make me feel a tiny bit better.Thanks.