My Diary throughout the past few months...

So basically. Ages ago I developed a serious crush on a straight guy in my class. I needed a place to vent my feelings. Thinking from a third person perspective I thought this might be a quit interesting read... so I changed all the names to fake ones. Keep in mind that I'm a 16 year old hormone filled gay boy. So a lot of things in this are me being over dramatic...Sooo, huh. I’m finally doing this. My virtual diary, A place where I can vent my feelings about my love life/crushes, personal feelings, problems, ext. Before I start, If you aren't Bob reading this, please leave… Unless you want to read about how I desperately want Joe to smash me harder than goku… uhhh, Joe. It all started at the year 8 camp. Joe was always different and I found that relieving. His personality did not line up with the stereotypical HCC boy. He liked Anime, taekwondo, sports and (sadly) girls. On paper he sounds like a weeb, and he is. But he’s the sexiest weeb on the planet. Anyway back to the year 8 camp. In the camp there were various physical activities such as: climbing, crawling, jumping and running. Seeing him conquer all of these obstacles with such grace yet still looking hotter then a furnace did something to me that I never felt on a regular school day around him. When it came to night time, It was weird. I had to sleep in a tiny stuffy room filled with sweaty hormone filled boys. I had no interest in any other boys in my cabin except Joe. everyone in the cabin knew I was gay. But that didn't make things awkward, they didn't hesitate to hump everyone's pillow once they scrambled into the cabin. They were all immature sex drived teenagers. I shove them aside as I walk to my bed, got into my cute white onesie with a cool pink doughnut pattern on it and pulled out my pug pillow. Sitting on the edge of my bed looking down thinking about how I can get closer to Joe without making it obvious I liked him, a shadow rose over me. I looked up and saw Joe standing there smiling. He wore gray tracksuit pants and a gray singlet, I could see his toned arms and in-development pecs through his singlet and I unwillingly smiled back, then quickly dulled my expression and stuttered y-yes? He snacthed my pug pillow and brutaly started doggy styling and grinding on it. I had to pretend I hated it but deep down I wished that the pug pillow was me… It didn't dile down. They were as energetic 2 hours later as they were when they walked in. At this point I realise this is sounding like a fanfiction, but believe me. This is my life and I doubt it's’ gonna end up like a saucy fanfiction about two forbidden lovers…Friday 12th of August 2016Today was the last day of the “Activity’s week” An event that occurs every 4th week for the entire week every year. We had a forensic science day and we were put into groups. Cabin groups, to use science stuff to solve who was guilty of the “murder of Mr Phillips.” I tried to concentrate I honestly did, but i couldn't stop looking over my shoulder at Joe on the other side of the bench. Poor thing, he was sick, every few minutes he would cover his head and put it on the desk. Seeing Joe like this genuinely made me sad… I tried to joke around with him (Flirt) “All the chemical fumes go to your head?” to which his friend replied “He’s been sick all day” Thanks Will… I’m sure you can picture the rest of the activities. Joe too sick to be able to “chat up” and with Will cock blocking me, I didn't bother wasting my time.. But at the end of the day, Everyone got together to watch the science teachers skit about the “murder mystery”. I sat behind Joe, He was lying down… Admittedly I slyly stared at the bulge in his pants a few times. He was still sick, towards the end on the clip Joe let out this faint yelp of sickness. Kinda like those groans you make when you have the cold but picture it coming from a literal kitten. No joke, It sounded more like an anime girl shriek. You know, the ones they make whenever they get hurt, but heavily toned down. Will, I and obviously Joe laughed about it under our breath, and at that moment, for the first time. I saw Joe, blushing and giggling… as cute. I saw him as cute and not just some sex-machine, although he very well and most of the time is one! MY THIRST IS GETTING STRONGER, BOY I NEED SOME MILK ;)Monday 15th of August 2016Joe is still sick (Kill me now), and not much happened today. But I did stress over the music exam I thought was due today. I have to play “Ode to joy” on guitar and I literally don’t know more than the first 3 notes, keys, strings, plucks. Yeah… so you can see why I was stressed.Tuesday 16th of August 2016Joe is finally back. Praise lord Jesus, Although I didn’t get much time to be in his general area. Although we did have debates today, and you know how they tell you to make eye contact with the audience? Joe’s general direction was my audience. When it was Joe’s turn to do his speech, I listened to every word. It was short, sloppy, badly written and poorly grammered. But hey, nobody’s perfect! I actually saw him again on the way to 5th period japanese class. He was early to get a seat at the back so he could play games. (What a rebel) But I was early to get a seat at the front and get an education! We are total opposites that are meant to be! He approached me jokingly saying “I’m coming for ya’ Bob” Insinuating he was going to rape me. Yes… I do realise that he is objectifying me because of my sexual preference and thinks I’m attracted to anything with a penis. Regardless I would let him do so. (“HARDER DADDY”). We continued to chat until I saw ‘him’ walking up the stairs. The hottest, steamiest, most chiseled senior in HCC with a jawline that could cut glass and most perfectly combed chocolate brown hair that majestically quiff that swoops to the left of his face… Oh if you thought Joe was hot. You haven't met “him” (I don’t actually know his name.) I legit raised my finger to Joe’s face to tell him to stop talking so I could cherish this moment. He caught me staring, (not surprising as I was literally following his every movement with my eyes.) I blushed and turned away. He walked into his class which was next to mine. After he entered his class I exhaled, caught my breath and let out a girly shriek under my bared teeth. Joe probably noticed I had interests in this boy. Probably because I literally shushed him to admire ‘him’ walking up the stairs, so he said “Why do you think that guy looks like me?” OH PLEASE, you're not that smoking hot I thought to myself, but in reality I nervously stuttered my words not even forming a sentence. “Well um, you kinda. I mean he kinda loo-hmm, because- OH LOOKS SIR’S COMING.” Thank god sir unknowingly got me out of that mess. He opened the door, we filed into his classroom like the nice little christian boys we are, and took our seats. Joe sat at the back, I sat with my friends at the front. The period ended I walked down the stairs with ‘him’ by my side until we went our separate ways and went home. And that marks the end of this entry <3.Wednesday 17th of AugustToday we had cheer training for the athletics carnival coming up this friday. The athletics carnival is an entire day dedicated to hot seniors wearing their sport uniforms working up a sweat, oh and sports… Our cheers were pretty mediocre. Mostly just generic cheers that you would expect to see in any other school. We even stooped so low to use the cliche “give me an a” move… Where you spell out a word one letter at a time and ask the crowd what that stands for… Honestly I’m just coming to see hot seniors in anything but there ugly maroon blazer with gold highlights.. Anyway, as I was saying about cheer training! Guess who who was amongst the seniors…’Him’... and he was distracting me from cheering although i’ll allow it because this was the first time I actually heard ‘him’ say an actual sentence. I may of been eavesdropping but he had such a monotone and smooth voice that made me melt like a warm knife through butter… I’ll tell you how the athletics carnival goes on Friday! Let’s hope ‘him’ is there!Thursday 18th of August.Literally nothing happened. No saucy drama. NOPE, NAH-DAH ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. But hey! Hot senior day tomorrow. Oops I mean the athletics carnivalFriday 19th of AugustSOO, the athletics carnival was today and I had high expectations for the seniors. They didn’t disappoint. Every senior was looking there best. Some wore full body jumpsuits in the color of their house colour, some were wearing inflatable fat suits and some just went shirtless. I wasn’t oppose it :) ‘him’ was wearing a cheerleader outfit with a piece of paper bobby pin’d to his shirt saying ‘sexy1’, I mean, it wasn’t wrong. We also had to others with the same outfit but they were sexy2 and sexy3 but they arnt imporatant. We had literally 5, although it felt like 100 activities before our lunch break… I did the 100 and 200 metre race and then my legs just gave out. I slept throughout the other activities until our lunch break. Year 8 got sent to the Delaney paddock to eat lunch. I told my friends about the song “Deepthroat” which is surprisingly catchy...We arrived back at the oval and sat at Dwyers location. When I noticed something that made my heart jump. ‘Him’ was walking towards the Dwyer station shirtless. His body was everything I hoped it to be. Muscular enough to see his 6 pack and flawless pecks but not so muscular you can tell he is on steroids with the faintest midriff indicating that he was well groomed. He had little to no chest hairs, very clean cut, just how I like them.. This of course was the highlight of the day and the only reason I came at all. It’s a shame year 12 is leaving soon… and so is Joe, well he’s leaving in 2017 but still. I’m mildly panicking but I’m sure i’ll find someone else, but no one will hold up to ‘him’, god.. I really need to learn his name. Edit: Just spent half an hour fanning through pages of the year books turn out his name is Lachlan Volpichella. love ya Benny!OMG so yeah, I knew this was going to happen, the date is 9th September 2016. I may of forgot about this for a while but atleast I’m back now. Today was the feast of Holy Cross. A day where people bring in food for all their classmates to enjoy. Not before we have a 2 hour mass of course.. Because catholic school.. People in our color house are retarded and brought more soft drink than food. Here's how it basically was: 60% soft drink 20% Napkins, spoons and knifes. 10% Junkfood 5% Dumplings. (Thanks Johunas) and 5% Actual meals. I mean I can’t really talk I was meant to bring in 100 napkins but ended up bringing a bruised banana that I found in my lunchbox. They needed the vitamin C anyway, plus most of the idiots in my home room could do without more food. I mean I bet when some of them step on a scale in shows there phone number. After The feast there was a buckets cup, which is a game of Oz Tag where some of our “A” grade sport guys verse the teachers. After the buckets cup we had a talent show we called “Cross Factor” The acts were decent, nothing Beyonce or anything just simple acts that mostly contained forgetting routine and bad outfits. Between acts we had Holy cross renditions of Popular ads such as that “Panda Cheese” one and “Jimmy Kimmel Mean tweets” But I was really interested in the acts where the seniors were Shirtless and Singing love songs to each other. Literally acting out my fantasies… Besides that not much has happened, OH wait, I did learn Nicki Minaj’s Verse in Arianna Grande’s song “Side to Side” and we found one of our substitutes teachers songs on the internet. We literally googled his name and found it. He definitely wasn't musically gifted and I could understand why he wJoed to hide it. I forgot the link but I'll ask eden for it on Monday. C’ya14th of september It’s a wednesday and I might of forgot to get the name of that song but ehhhhh. I had my japanese assessment today. I got a 70% #SlayedTheScene. Btw i thought I would mention this because it just came to mind. We had year assembly literally just then. (Writing this while waiting for dad to pick me up) Mr Witty, our year counselor, gave out some merit certificates and towards the end of the meeting. During this he gave out a SILVER MERIT AWARD! The first one in year 8 this year. And guess who got it, Alex-steroid munching-beatty… Oh poor alex. He’s an over demanding over controlling most monotone straight gym junky you will ever meet. One might feel bad for him since he’s constantly accused of taking steroids because he is unnaturally buff for his age, and he is disgustingly proud of it. Anyway… it wasn't a surprise he got the silver merit award, Alex has always been a grade A teachers pet. The only reason I even consider Alex a frenemy is because he’s matthew’s friend, by the way. I wouldn't even consider matthew a friend anymore… Ever since I came out as gay he’s just been very rude and judgy.. I was unpacking my bag, whistling a tune and dancing as i got my computer out. He did not approve of this… “Wha-Why do you have to be sooo gay?!?” He than proceeded to put his bag down and take out his computer. “See, that's how a NORMAL person does it” I can not stress how much this infruriates me!!! I should've known it would be like this, he’s been friends with alex since kindergarten and alex still thinks I’m saying I’m gay for attention and can’t fathom the fact that men can like other men.18th of September. This is the first diary post during a weekend, I’m extremely bored and should probably be sleeping at 2:34 AM… But I thought I should write something in my virtual diary because I don’t update this daily or very frequently. So here's my top Man crushes.. In no particular order..Mr HarapaJoe ZoricRyan ReynoldsLachlan VolpichellaZac EfronPablo Hernandez13th of October, Wednesday. Its the first week back after the 2 week holiday and let me tell you, the first day back is truly the best and worst day of the entire school year. One one hand, you get to talk to your friends again and admire cute boys! But on the other hand you re-realise that you're forced to spend 10 entire weeks surrounded by idiots. In other news, Zayn joined Holy Cross this term. Zayn was one of my friends in primary school, despite being pretty good friends with him the only remaining memory of him is when he said I looked like a lesbian with my haircut.25th of October Tuesday. So I fairly good amount of Drama has happened since my last post. As a TL:DR this is a summary… The greeks are stupider than I thought and our surprisingly bad at fighting, zayn is starting a paper crane gallery on the library desk and I think Joe knows I’m in love with him…Now Let's get juicy… Let's start in order of occurrence, zayn Masters is one of Joe’s friends that's kinda friends with my group. I mean we're in the same tree but on different branches.. Will is just as weaboo as Joe. Probably more, so it didn't come as a surprise to me when I found out he could do origami. (Speaking of weaboo, zayn actually got me into anime, My favorite is AOT, I've read the entire comic book series and they just announced the release date for season 2!!!) It started with a few paper cranes that he gave to teachers as they walked by, but then he started a “workshop” He gathered some of his close friends and every day at recess he would spend the entire time building origami cranes with his friends in the FLP. He built a lot of cranes and placed every single one of them on the circular ‘Help Desk’ in the Library. To my surprise they remain untouched to this day…Secondly: Anyway About the whole Joe situation… I’m not 100% sure but i'm almost positive that Joe knows I'm in love with him. He’s been been giving me a lot more attention recently them he usually does. It started off in small positive doses that left me in confusion then quickly changed to short snide remarks that emotionally stressed me out. I do understand why Joe is acting like this though, I can only imagine the feeling of knowing that the gay guy in your class likes you even though you're straight. Any interaction between me and Joe have often ended in him indirectly saying some snarky comment about me. “KYS Bob nobody loves you” “Okay bitch, so you wanna play that game, huh. Im gonna love you until it hurts, And you won't even know its happening.” I had to get crafty, In ACE I would turn my screen brightness down on my mac so I could look at Joe in the reflection. He never had a clue. In all honesty though, i'm kinda glad that he knows, even if things may be awkward it feels like a weight has been lifted of my chest.Thirdly: In Ace our regular teacher had an urgent meeting and apparently he set up a sub to teach us but he never showed up… Compared to the other classes we were full tilt jungle madness. If jungle madness happened while sitting down and with you faces buried in computer screens. Although one table was different, they always were. The Greeks… They never really followed the pack and always wandered off into there own little section unbeknownst to anyone else in the class. There table is very restricted, basically if you're not greek, you're not in… They are the fattest most stereotypical self centered Wogs you will ever meet. They sit at their stupid table talking obnoxiously loud about stupid things like cars and testosterone, I swear some of the stuff they say sounds like they're speaking a different language completely. “Aw steph, check out the hydraulics on this CCXR Koenigsegg Trivita.” (I literally googled “expensive cars” and I swear, so much of what they drone on about makes so much sense now, it's almost like it was a translator.) Anyway two of them got into a fight about something in front of the entire class. It looked more like two meat filled ragdolls slapping each other than a fight, with all the smack they talk I expected at least on the them to at least form a fist. Welp, they both got sent to the office and someone may be getting suspended. There, you're all caught up, until next time. Ciao!4th of November Friday. So I Just wJoed to share a song that is totally my jam right now. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwjwCFZpdns . I can just relate to the song so much right now, and you probably already know why… I honestly don’t mean to drone on about love life but recently reality has hit me like a ton of bricks. As the Holidays approach you would expect me, of all people to be vividly excited. But one thing always pops up in my mind when I think about the end of the school year. No More Joe. Joe’s leaving at the end of this year and honestly, I don’t know why I even try anymore. (Now calm down. I'm not becoming suicidal, i'm no Amanda Todd) I have an internal emotional breakdown when ever Joe speaks to me. BTW thats getting alot better. He now speaks to me without being aggressive. How lovely! I just wish that I could confront Joe about it, because I know that he knows I like him, but I don't think he knows that i know that he knows I like him. Process that sentence for a few minutes, it makes sense. Anyway, as the end of the year gets nearer my panic slowly starts to rise. I’m seriously considering telling Joe I like him face to face on the day he leaves. UGH, teenager hormones are soo annoying…6th of November Monday. Oh God, what did I do. I put my own selfish desires first and I have just made things worse. This is the exact thought that has been racing through my head all afternoon. Let me break it down. It was an entirely normal day unit Lunch. I sat in the FLP on a lounge closer to the back finishing my homework when Ryan came sat down opposite to me. Ryan is, for the most part. A normal person. He’s as pale as snow, he strictly only uses apple products and always has either a mountain dew or a gatorade in his hand. We were acquaintances but I wouldn't call each other friends. “How was tutoring with kate?” Ryan asked. “Great..” I replied, eyes facing down desperately trying to the homework due 5th period. Then… I remembered Ryan is really close friends with Joe, and me, being the thirsty whore that I am I asked Ryan “What does Joe smell like?” We then proceeded to spiral into a conversation that mainly included me asking ryan questions about Joe and him replying “straight.” During the conversation I noticed that ryan was wearing A LOT of deodorant. “You smell very… Overwhelming, how much deodorant are you wearing?” Turns out, that's the same deodorant Joe uses but that didn't make me dislike it any less. As a joke Ryan sprayed the deodorant all over the front of my shirt. I don't like people abusing anything to do with my body, he just sprayed me with a ton of unnatural non environmentally friendly deodorant. I SMELT LIKE A MAN... As ryan stood up to pick up his bag I leaned back and kicked him in his chest. It wasn't hard but I may of forgotten that Ryan had a heart surgery a month ago. I thot walked away feeling like I just slayed the scene when Ryan literally exclaimed. “I’m not letting that go unpunished.” This Bitch was going to tell Joe everything I just said to Ryan… my thot walk turned into a quivering plea, but Ryan wasn't buying it… so 5th period happened and Ryan told Joe everything. I felt so bad… For some reason I felt responsible for this entire situation. I had only made things worse, I was so thirsty for Joe I completely disregarded how Joe would react to this news. We never made eye contact throughout the entire period but I could feel Joe’s cringe from the other side of the room as Ryan whispered into his ear. BTW! Turns out, Joe actually didn't know I had a crush on him. I thought word got out… guess not. In a way i'm happy Joe finally knows how I feel but at the same time I feel really bad for dragging Joe into my fantasy world… Honestly I don’t know how I’m going to spend my time in school when Joe leaves at the end of the term… Well till next time, Cheers!7th of November Tuesday. This morning, before school I was Pretty worried that Joe was going to confront me about everything that Ryan told HIm… so I got extra dressed today. Combed my hair, added a quiff, tucked in my shirt, washed my face and wore a jumper. Low and behold throughout the entire day Joe never approached me… Although something crazy did happen!!! During recess I saw Ryan finishing off his meat pie before he entered the FLP I remembered that I need to talk to him about what exactly he said to Joe 5th period yesterday. Turns out, and I know this is getting complicated now. Joe kinda knew I had a crush on him the entire time. Someone did tell him. I was so relieved that Ryan’s news wasn't new that I completely forgot to ask Ryan anymore questions. I just thanked him and walked back to my seat with my friends. The rest of the day went on as normal, me glancing at Joe out of the corner of my eye hoping to catch him glancing back at me just so we can have any form of interaction. You know, the norm. Then Lunch Came around, I was heading over to the cJoeen just to see what they had when I noticed Ryan and Joe Standing in the line just a spot in front of where I would be If I lined up. So of course I Lined Up! Then Ryan being the person that he is felt that it was necessary to greet me as loudly as he could. “HEY Bob” Joe turned to my direction… I took a quick glance up then back down at my wallet, “Hey… Ryan” I couldn't even muster up the courage to say hey to Joe… I’m truly pathetic… Honestly there wasn't even anything there that I wJoed to buy, I just wanted a reason to stand next to Joe. I ended up spending 4 dollars on wedges that I then used to drown my feelings in. Yes, I was eating my feelings… On my way out of the FLP Ryan appeared from behind me and started walking with me. “So how was standing next to Joe?” He asked smugly knowing that I was in love with him. “OMG! That was so awkward, honestly I couldn't even muster up the courage to talk to him, so pathetic.” I exclaimed. This spiraled into a long conversation that took up the rest of Lunch. The conversation was mainly just me venting all my feelings about Joe to Ryan In Between mouthfuls of wedges. I told him about how I didn't even want these wedges and I just wanted a reason to be next to Joe… He then cut me off abruptly to tell me to tell me how cute that was and that I have to tell Joe… But one thing Ryan said really stuck with me. “You're in love with him” Something about finally hearing someone else understand that I loved Joe made me feel so free. Like I no longer had a secret… Honestly without Ryan to help me through this rough patch, I'd probably be curled up in the fetal position gently whispering to myself “He loves you, It gets better”18th of November Friday… Sorry for that late update by nothing really has happened besides me thinking about Joe. On the topic of Joe. I AM SO FUCKING DONE. I AM DONE, AND I'M GLAD I FINALLY CAME TO ME SENCES. I HAVE TRIED FOR SO LONG TO GET OVER Joe BUT WHO KNEW ALL IT TOOK WAS FOR ME TO SIMPLY SAY TO MYSELF. FUCK IT! WHY EVEN FUCKING BOTHER ANYMORE. SO MUCH WASTED MENTAL SPACE CLOGGED WITH THOUGHTS ABOUT Joe THAT HAD A 0% CHANCE OF COMING TRUE. WITH WORD OF ME LIKING Joe SPREADING THROUGH CLASSROOMS LIKE WILDFIRE, I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I'LL BE HONEST I'M PRETTY MAD AT Joe. THE ONLY REASON I'M SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW IS THAT THROUGHOUT THIS ENTIRE TIME OF THINKING ABOUT HIM MY ONLY REQUEST FOR HIM WAS TO TALK TO ME. BUT HE SIMPLY WONT. TO THINK THAT BEFORE WORD STARTED GETTING OUT HE WAS FINE WITH TALKING TO ME, IF ANYTHING I WOULD OF CONSIDERED US FRIENDS! BUT ALL OF A SUDDEN HE’S ACTING LIKE A LITTLE BITCH EVERY TIME WERE WITHIN METERS OF EACH OTHER. WHAT ARE YOU ACTUALLY SCARED OF, IT'S NOT LIKE I'M GOING TO ABDUCT YOU. JUST FUCKING TALK TO ME! IT'S TOO LATE NOW. I HAVE FINALLY REALIZED THAT HE LITERALLY DESPISES ME WITH A BURNING PASSION AND PROBABLY CAN’T WAIT TO LEAVE THE SCHOOL JUST SO HE CAN GET AWAY FROM ME. AND YOU KNOW WHAT, THAT'S FINE. I COULD USE SOME TIME AWAY FROM HIM TOO. FUCKING GO AHEAD, DON'T TALK TO ME, DON'T ACKNOWLEDGE ME, I'M DONE USING RYAN AS A MEANS TO VENT MY FEELINGS. HAVE YOU EVER TRIED GETTING RYAN TO DO ANYTHING?!, THE ONLY THING HE IS GOOD FOR IS CONTRIBUTING TO GLOBAL WARMING. HE LITERALLY IS THE MOST IDIOTIC AND STUBBORN PERSON WITH SUCH A LACK OF BRAIN CELLS SOMETIMES IT'S HARD FOR ME TO COMPREHEND. SO, WITH THESE FINAL WORDS I END THIS ENTRY… I AM DONE (Nicki Minaj has made a new rap. It's called ‘black barbiez’ and she slays the scene)23 of November Wednesday. From the time I entered my last post till now I can safely say I’m making progress with this whole ‘getting over Joe’ phase. One thing I need to state is that my last post was more of me venting all those bottled emotions in the form of an angry post. Truth is, not all of your problems simply vanish by writing them down, but it definitely has helped me. I’m still on the road to recovery though, I still occasionally glance at Joe. This one time in music he flexed his bicep while leaning on his desk, slumping his head into his hand. That made me melt like a hot knife through butter. Although I quickly recovered! I no longer fantasise about being with Joe, I have accepted that me and him will never be together and I have realized that Joe is merely a phase in my life. Throughout your lifetime, you will have your ups and downs but it's incredibly important to keep trudging through life, especially in those down moments. I was going to end this post here but I might as well put this in since if this happened when I still liked Joe I would've considered it a milestone… Joe sat on the same table as me. Was it by his own will, no… Sir told him to sit next to me since he wouldn't stop talking to one of his friends. Although he didn't sit NEXT to me, he consciously made the decision to sit across from me probably to avoid any extreme awkwardness. He must still think I like him. Guess what, he sat across from me for at least 40 minutes and didn't say a single word to me. I’ve never seen Joe concentrate that much on his work ever. If Joe’s parents want him to get better grades they can just give me a ring. Lol.25th of November Friday. Today was the walkathon, a 20 kilometer walk from Insert City I live to Destination and back. I wasn't to keen on doing it since last year it was 10 kilometers and I almost died doing that but I Actually went pretty well this time. On the way to Destination I walked with one of Will’s friends named Sam. Sam is pretty slow so I didn't have to worry about him walking ahead of me. It was pretty boring but overall good exercise. We were almost at the 10 kilometer mark when Sam says something that grabs my attention… “Hey, Is that Joe” I look in his direction, and no bought about it. It was Joe BUT YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT REALLY GOT ON MY NERVES. The fact that he was running shirtless… Throughout the entirety of grade 8 he had to be the one who decided to jog the 20k’s shirtless. JUST GREAT. He really isn't making this easy for me… Sam waved and said hey as I kept my head faced at the pavement as I resist the urge to look at him… We eventually made it to the 10 kilometer mark where we got our names marked off and had to turn back. I could feel it happening, It happens every time I think of him. My brain and heart don't cooperate and I spiral into an extreme state of Lust, Confusion, Stress, Jealousy and Hate... My brain knows that there is no point in thinking about him because he’ll never like me back but my heart refuses to believe that. No matter what I do or how hard I try and convince myself that I’m over him I always end up thinking about him. I had to think out loud… I hate bottling my emotions… I started walking at a quicker pace leaving Sam behind thinking that maybe if I hurry I’ll meet Joe back at school but as I walked further and further and vented more and more of my thought until my head was empty It became less about Joe and more about me doing this as my own personal achievement. Although as I was walking I kept saying this one phrase to myself “This isn't fair” I absolutely hate saying that because what part about this isn't fair? On one hand sure, maybe from a gay person's perspective seeing Joe flaunt his muscles carrying on with his life with no problems while I have a mental breakdown may not seem fair. But on the other hand, Why should Joe have to change how he lives his life because it makes me all hot and bothered… My brain and heart are truly in two different places right now… Earlier in this Diary I said the phrase “My thirst is getting stronger, Boy I need some milk ;)” But now I’m changing it to My thirst is getting out of hand, Boy I need some help...