should I?

I am 33 since 14 I have been cam stroking and chatting online to guys. I have never met one just spoke online and chickened out of hook ups. If I was to meet a guy I would only top couldn't kiss, maybe mutual stroking. My question is should I just leave it as a curious fantasy. I have done some anal play a few times but realised I only like things really deep in there I had a plunger in there almost to the Base but I flood my bathroom floor, which I took that plunger with me when I moved out, I can't find a similar hehe. My urges to fuck a guy only happen when I am going through a dry spell and I am not attracted to guys..