Reluctant to Lose My Virginity (X-Post from /r/askgaybros

Posted this in /r/askgaybros but also wanted to post here to get more/varied input.I'm a 30 year old bi guy. I often fantasize about sex with men but have never done anything with them. I'm open with myself about my attraction; I love to wear panties and girly socks and I'm dying to be with a guy for the first time. I wanna be a bottom, for sure. I want a guy to treat me like a girl, tell me I look pretty while he fucks me.Problem is, I'm really hesitant, and it's hard to pinpoint the reason. There are a lot of factors and I'm sure most of them are pretty common feelings for gay/bi guys in my position.I feel like, ya know, fantasizing is one thing, but once I actually do something with a guy, that's it; no going back after that. I mean, that's a pretty big thing. Irreversible, ya know? Whenever I come close to hooking up with a guy, I always dwell heavily on this.Another thing is, whenever I get really horny and am thinking I wanna hook up with a guy, I work myself up real good... talk dirty to myself about all the things that he's gonna do to me... then I eventually just jerk off and afterwards I'm like "eh, I can do without it." Because of this, I always imagine the hookup playing out like this in my head: I set it up, the guy's coming over soon, I work myself up so much and I'm so horny that he barely touches me and I bust my nut and then immediately lose interest, at which point I'll either have to just soldier on and hope I get horny again or stop the whole thing and now the guy's pissed that I wasted his time. After replaying this scenario in my head over and over, I just decide to jerk off and then the whole problem is gone for a little while.When I get to fantasizing about it, I really get myself worked up... I feel like my dick is going to explode, I want it to happen that bad... then I think about it think about it think about it and just end up talking myself out of it.Tl;dr wanna have my first gay sex but keep talking myself out of it.Anyone have any thoughts to share on this?