Just wanted to tell my experience so far with seeking a relationship.

I have been a lurker on reddit for a bit and I have never posted before. This might even be a throwaway account.So, a little background:My former religion was Roman-Catholicism and my family is still very religious. I came out to my parents as an atheist not to long ago and they were shocked at how I could just stop believing. My mother almost went into a kind of depression but my father was more understanding. I defeated my faith when I was in my early 30s and felt so stupid to have taken so long.When I was growing up I thought that if only I could force myself be with a woman and lie about how I truly felt everything would be alright. This felt like a grave abuse to inflict on another person and myself. The next plan was to join the priesthood as no one would wonder why I never went on any dates or showed any real interest in girls. I remember when I applied for seminary I was asked if i had any same sex attraction and I denied it. During the process I learned that had I answered honestly I was have been immediately disqualified by the bishop in my dioceses. I declined acceptance feeling that I was cheating the process. I returned to the church later that night when the world was asleep that the doors were locked. I sat on the steps of the church with my back against the door and wept bitterly and nothing came to console me.I remember a time when I was a teen my mother caught me looking at pictures of men and questioned me about it. I explained that I was merely curious about the size and shapes of men's bodies and how I would develop. She told me that if i had any curiosity or feelings that were leading me to that way of life she would have to send me somewhere. I lied and I am glad I dodged that "Kidnapped for Christ" bullet.I just wanted to protect myself from the views of others and I still do. The closet is dark, cold, and feels safe. I am not even sure what I really want other than to experience what I have denied myself and to be safe about it. Looking back it is clear my life is dominated by fear. I value brutal honesty and wish I could look into the minds of others and see how I am perceived.About three months ago I felt a desire to seek the company of men but I was out of shape and unsure where to meet said people. I started going to the gym and eating properly. I had thought that the gym would be a decent way to meet other guys but that has failed me or I failed it as I tend to avoid eye contact and social interaction with strangers. I mainly stick to the treadmill for cardio and have purchased a variety of weightlifting equipment for in house use. I have gone from about 265lbs to 233lbs currently. I am still unhappy with the way my body looks but I see myself as a work in progress. I am just going to look better with time.A month ago I went to get my hair cut short and when getting to work one of my female co-workers exclaimed, "Oh, look at you. You look dateable now." I thanked her briefly and went inside the building only to receive similar comments from a few other women in the office. I went into the bathroom and stared hard in the mirror and wondered what did they see that I could not and worse was I being made fun of. During my lunch break I asked a female friend to step outside with me and asked her to give me an honest opinion of my physical appearance because I was feeling uncomfortable with recent comments. She told me she always thought I was attractive but with the longer hair it looked like I didn't give a shit and the weight loss has helped give my face looked more defined. I told her this was shocking to me because I had always perceived myself to be unattractive, what she was telling me was conflicting with myself image, and this was probably the first time anyone had ever referred to me as attractive. She said, "Dude you have sex appeal."I decided try and advance my goal and checked to see if there were any local gay bars in my area. The closest one was about 1.5hrs away and the two local bars closed down. I was somewhat relieved because I shy away from social interaction of that kind and would probably just be on my phone the whole time. I opted for dating websites and signed up for several to see if I got any potential hits. I began speaking with two men. One is slow to respond but we talk in paragraphs and the other is quick to respond but I know nothing about him other than what is on his profile and that he thinks I am a "cutie". He was reluctant to share any details protesting that such talk should be left for the first meetup. I arranged to meet with them in the same week one on Tuesday and the other on Wednesday. I felt conflicted trying to figure how this would all work out. Would I like one or both and would they like me? I was to meet with "quick respond guy" first and told him I could drive to him but he wanted to drive to me. I gave him an address to a public place and he never showed up. The second meetup went much better. We talked for about three hours and it was insightful. It was the first time I had ever outed myself to a real live human being. I felt kind of sad when it ended as I felt a connection. I am not sure if I am just latching on to the first experience but he gave me a chance to open up in a way I never thought I would. I told him how I felt in an email and he has yet to reply. Perhaps I scared him off.Now, I come to Grindr. Within the first ten minutes I got a dick pic with the message, "hey, sexy wanna suck this." However, it is very refreshing to see how many guys are on there that are close by. A man in his late 40s messaged me telling me how attractive my face is and we talk for about an hour and a half via the app. I tell him that they only sexual thing I have ever done was get a hand job at 16 ,that I am still working on my physical physique, and that I am coming to terms with people finding me desirable, and that I feel like I am a vers/top. He tells me he is DDF and wants me to top him without a condom. This gave me a huge red flag so I did not go through with it. I feel like I want a relationship and be able to get to know someone before sex. Also I think it is kind of lame to just send a dick pic so easily because it erodes a lot of the mystery. I want my first time to be about discovering one another"s bodies for the first time and be caught up in each other.In the end I would like to know if anyone has had a similar experience and any other input would be helpful. I also don't know how this will come across but I certainly feel just plain in the facial region but I guess it is nice to be desirable to someone. Maybe I need therapy but putting this down felt therapeutic enough for the time being.