Straight boy problems.

This might sound like I'm humble-bragging...I don't mean to be. I've always been attracted to guys and identified as gay from a very young age. I first fooled around with a friend of mine when I was in, like, middle school...but I viewed that as experimenting more than a sexual encounter. But it was intense and thrilling to be secretly fooling around with friends and having such an easy cover by having them spend the night. By the time middle school ended I would get certain friends to spend the night for the sole purpose of trying to get them to fool around with me. There were two guys in particular that I had been friends with since I was a toddler and we fooled around (separately) for years. By the time I was a junior in high school both of these guys had identified as straight and the days of sleepovers were over so we just sort of went our separate ways. That's when I began to realize how addicting it was getting these "straight" boys to mess around with me. And that's always stuck with me. For a while though, I put that thought in the back of my head, not wanting to be a predator or become a stereotypical threatening gay man trying to convert the straights. So between the ages of 18 and 23 I only dated other gay or bi guys, I didn't dare to even think about a guy I knew was straight because I had convinced myself nothing would happen with them anyway, and it would just end in me looking like a fool and making an enemy out of a straight acquaintance.Eventually the days of going to clubs ended and after several failed relationships I took a breather from the gay life. I was dealing with a drug addiction and was focusing on transitioning into adulthood and getting my shit together, essentially. But this attraction toward the forbidden fruit of straight men stayed dormant in me, and it came out in full fury when I found myself being propositioned by a super attractive "straight" coworker of mine. We had amazing sex, and he was exactly my type...and he was "straight". I felt that rush of adrenaline for the first time in 10 years and that desire to have control over another guy. That they would choose me over a female...it's hypnotic. It's blissful.It's dangerous.It's heartbreak. Because I end up falling for these straight fuckboys and my heart and mind are raked through thorns and burning coals desiring a life with this guy that's never going to happen. But the rush of doing it in the first place is too much to deny sometimes.So I carried on with this coworker for a year or so, and when I got a different job I told myself "well that was fun, but it sure did make work awkward, and I probably shouldn't do that again." But then, another proposition from another "straight" coworker arose. I couldn't resist, and hooked up with that guy. I fell for him harder than I fell for the guy at the last job. I actually ended up quitting the second job because of how difficult it was to work with this guy. The difference between him and the guy from the first job was the first guy wanted me, all the time, so much so that I felt a little smothered. This second guy acted like nothing happened after we hooked up, and it frustrated the hell out of me. I knew how much he enjoyed it, but he would just flat out deny that it ever happened and it drove me nuts. This passionate lust I had for the second guy turned into a deep hatred and I had to get out.So I found yet another job.This time, I told myself "never again, don't even think about it, do NOT even THINK about being ATTRACTED to any guy you work with. Period." And it was going well. I liked this new job a lot, I got along with everyone, and I felt like I had control. Now I still smoke weed frequently, and one of my coworkers brought it up and said he had brought some so we smoked after work. Of course, this is another straight guy. But I had vowed to never go there in my mind, and I viewed him strictly as a friend. I wasn't even really physically attracted to him. Well maybe slightly, but whatever. We've developed a close friendship, as we work together all the time, but I persisted and never let my mind go where it had gone before. I saw him as a friend, not a sexual object.Well we're hanging out at his place the other night, and he brings up the fascination of me being gay. I have been to this place many times before. This is how it starts. He talks about this weird porn he's into, how he's never had a gay friend, and I can feel the tension building. It's happening again, god dammit. My heart races, my hands get cold and sweaty, that desire for the rush is there again. I was also very high during this conversation. I wouldn't touch the subject of my sexuality, other than to tell him to view me as his friend, not his gay friend. But he kept bringing it up, talking about how it was funny I was gay and he had gone to a drag show before, and how I'm "the gay him". I finally told him, "I like you, man. We are kindred spirits, but I don't think of you like that." He hadn't actually propositioned anything, and it's quite possible that the context of the conversation was his concern that I would fall for him, even though I had never given any inkling that I was attracted to him. But why bring up the porn? Why bring up the fact you had gone to a drag show? I had been here before, I knew, if I pushed it, what would happen. But I dropped the subject like a ball of fire.I'm quite proud of myself, but now I can't stop thinking about this guy. Hoping it will pass, I do value his friendship, and I don't wanna lose it. I guess it's in my control, anyway.So I'm wondering if I just cannot be friends with straight guys. I'm wondering if I've just had "bad" luck in befriending guys who end up wanting to fuck around, or if these guys feel comfortable enough with me to explore a part of their sexuality they've never acknowledged. I think sexuality is ambiguous. It must be, because lightning can't strike three times in the same place.Anyone else have a straight boy addiction they're fighting? Advice, dubious or otherwise, is appreciated. Thanks for reading.