2017. január 31., kedd
Am I really gay?
Hey everyone. I've come to believe that I'm not actually gay, however, my sexual desires are a result of adverse, or lacking interactions with men during my childhood.I've never had close relationships with men. (Dad, brothers, uncles). This was because growing up, I didn't understand male culture, so I felt excluded from it. I was often teased for not acting like the other guys. And as a result I made very few guy friends. I began to resent men because I felt like not only did I not belong to their male culture, but I desperately wanted to connect with guys in the way that other men did.As a result I projected this need for male connection and attention, in the form of attraction. I became attracted to that which I didn't see in myself. Men are elusive to me, which attracts me to them. Sex is the only way I can connect to men. I don't have any male friends.I have depression, anxiety, and BPD, and I believe these diagnoses can partially be attributed to my lack of connection with males, and my unstable sexual orientation/identity.I've only had sex with men, but I don't find myself emotionally attached to them. I believe if I was properly socialized as a child, my sexual orientation might be more clear.
Sex life
Okay so could I just say, I'm gay, I am a male, I've had sex multiple times, I'm 18 years old, 6'3, 200lbs, and I am fairly fit(I throw shot put and discus in track). So there's thatOkay let's see if someone can help out. Well I have a boyfriend and we have been dating for multiple months now (8) and he really wants to have sex, but I am never in the mood I seem to have recently lost my urge to have sex. But the thing is we have messed around and stuff and like I really do want to make him happy and I personally would like to have sex with him. But my body doesn't seem to have sex. I get hard from porn, from talking to other people, hell sometimes I even get hard from just looking at really attractive or thinking about guys I think are attractive. But when it comes to my boyfriend, the person I am in love with (right now), the man I think is the best in the world my body just doesn't want to have intercourse it just kinda feels like I want to hang out go get coffee, talk, and just be with.My question is (hopefully someone can answer and help me out) why can I not have sex with him? More so, why does my body seem to have the urge to have sex with other guys but not with my boyfriend? Is something wrong or am I just over thinking everything?
How do you feel about Islam?
Had an interesting conversation with a friend today about whether or not we as Westerners should be concerned about the spread of Islam. I've always been wary of anyone (Christian, Muslim, Nazi, whomever) who belongs to a group that advocates for the genocide of gay people (among other things), and so to me the issue is very personal. However, my friend said she doesn't endorse Islam but doesn't "personally have a lot of stake in hating them I guess". How do you feel about the issue? In all the chaos of Trumpian politics and in the wake of the tragic mosque shooting in Quebec this week, I feel as though gay voices have been shut out of the conversation. So how do you, as a gay person, feel about Muslim ideology and the prospect of a growing Muslim population in the West? I'd especially love to hear from gay Muslims about how they reconcile their sexuality and their religion.
I'm jealous
I met a guy on dating app a month ago and we hang out and cuddle with every weekends for the past a few weeks. And I come to like him.For a while he stopped using the dating app but I saw he was online last night and this morning.Actually we don't have sex yet because he is Vers bottom and I am bottom, but we will do it this weekend, I suppose.But I wonder how he thinks of me at all because he doesn't say clearly even if I askGive me advices
A century of affection between men... can we work to rekindle more of this?
I was thinking recently about Norman Rockwell's paintings, and how they depict a very different kind of culture in small town America during that era. Men back then seemed to feel free to be embarassed, make mistakes, be bashful, and in general love learning what it was to be a man. The definition of what masculinity was back then seems very different from what it is, today.I was listening intently to Peter Paul and Mary's album "in the Wind" recently. These earnest Christian singers' songs seem to talk (between the lines) about the persecution of homosexual people in the day. The song "Long Chain On" for example, casts the homosexual man in the role of something like a wise and gentle prophet to society, who will likely at one point come up against the law. The picture that these songs paint about society seem to me to say that homosexual experiences were not at all uncommon in small town America back then. Everybody probably had one or two. There would be a huge difference between that culture and the culture of small town America, today... which prides itself on its platonic sensibilities, and is very stressed out when adolescents get weird ideas in mind from the internet or the culture of the big cities. Another band which seems to have talked about the various controversies and discussions in small town America in the 1960s and 1970s is Simon and Garfunkel. James Taylor was another popular songwriter of this genre.It seems to me that the idea of defined and disparate "sexualities" is kind of a modern invention. I mean rich people, for many centuries, have had the time to indulge in this sort of sense of romance. Lord Byron was a man who was famous for his adventures, and the playwright Oscar Wilde was sent to prison because of his. However, I don't think that 90% of people were that way. They courted members of opposite sex, and sometimes those of the same sex, but on an everday basis I don't think people defined themselves in terms of their feeings towards romantic feelings toward men or women like we do, today.The arrival of the "pill" and access to abortion options in the 1960s led to a new era, where we Westerners tend to feel free to define our personalities in terms of our sexuality.Today, when your penis goes up, we tend to think that it connotes one of these genres of sexual attraction. I think that's a wrong perspective. Honestly, I think that we men should understand that a rising penis is generally going to happen with all kinds of expressions of affection. That would be the healthier way to see things, and the healthier thing to teach our young.I think society would have better judgement when we choose our male politicians, managers, and other people if we men liked ourselves and each other more. Idealizing about other men in this pseudosexual way seems to help to get beyond these judgements we would otherwise make on eachother's approaches to life.
I'm unable to trust this guy for a relationship
I've been seeing this guy for 3 months now. He's 10 years older than me. We're not exclusive yet, since we haven't talked about that, but there are some things that have prevented me from trusting him.He still lives with his ex and is close friends with another ex. He's had two LTRs. The first ex already has a boyfriend but they still live together with another roommate and they all have their own bedroom. The second ex is still friends with him, also has a boyfriend, but they still hang out together a lot. He even brought up the fact that when his lease is up, he plans to move in with the second ex and his boyfriend. And of course, he talks about those guys a lot since they're his closest friends. Granted, this is New York, and we always look for ways to save on rent, but I find this very off-putting and weird. He could easily find another roommate that's not an ex.He unapologetically comments about other hot men on TV. Everytime we watch a movie or TV show with a hot guy, he feels the need to say stuff like "mmm can we invite him over?" or "I'd let him do things to me." He does every single time. If there's hot guy on screen, you bet he won't keep his mouth shot. I guess he does this as a joke, but I find it kind of disrespectful. It's even happened once with a guy we saw at the store "He's kinda sexy, right?"Other than these things, the guy is seriously great, but if I can't build trust, I suppose this relationship is doomed if we ever become serious?
Birmingham, Alabama
I am probably moving to Birmingham, Alabama for college next year and I would just like to know if the nightlife in Birmingham was any good. Thanks!
Am I gay or Bisexual?
Ok so here's the story. I've always felt better being around men than women. I had a girlfriend, but I didn't loved her. I'm 24 btw. I don't know why, but women annoy me. I don't like how they talk, how they laugh etc. etc. Less common interest than with ANY men. I told myself long ago, that I'll never marry. BUT I'm attracted to their body very much. When I see a woman - Instant boner. I never had a relationship or sex with a man, and deep inside I hope that I never will... because ... you know... I don't want to be gay. But some men sexually attracts me very much.. but only when I'm alone at home and thinking about that. But when I see a man eye to eye I can't imagine I could kiss him... In imagination I could, but not in reality. So, what's wrong with me?
GUYS HELP
So, I'm straight and decided to try something with a guy, which I did and didn't really enjoy, anways we were in bed sucking and stuff when he decides to put my weiner in his ass, which I didn't care about in the moment. Thing is I didn't had a condom on and now I'm thinking is it possible he infected me with something? We both cummed in each other's bodies. I'm so worried
How can I better find a Boyfriend?
Hey, im Gay and I want to know how to better get a boyfriend. Can anyone help me?
Help...?
I'm 16 year old. I've always kinda been into girls, but recently I've been developing intense crushes on guys. Stronger than I can cope with. I think about them even when I'm not thinking about them. But I get really awkward around guys that I like. I freeze up, I find it difficult to hold a regular conversation. It's difficult for me to look them in the eye. I just started falling for a guy I have to work with one of my extracurriculars. I'm not sure if he's gay, but I really can't shake how I feel about him. The worst part is probably that I'm too afraid to come out to anyone. I already am made fun of at school and this would probably be the final nail in the coffin. But I really want to tell him. Advice?
I wish I had made a best friend before I met my bf..
Only because my bf isn't into everything I am but it's love and we are connected. But we don't have all the same interests
Should I tell him how I feel?
So, there's this one guy who I met in Tinder around 3 months ago (We both are 19, he's gay while I'm bi). Back in those days we were chatting every day, and met pretty often, but I was in a relationship back then.Now I'm single for like a month and half, and around a week ago I understood that I liked that guy even when I was in a relationship, but I didn't understand that back then.Problem now is that he often doesn't reply to my messages (Means I have to message him twice to get a reply cause he often says "I didn't see the message"), and he doesn't seem interested in me anymore.It sounds like I blew my chance, but I think the reason why he seems like that is because he still thinks I'm in a relationship, and when we first met he said "It's difficult for me to stay friends with a bi/gay boy cause I usually end up getting feelings for them", so maybe he's trying to push me away so he wouldn't get any feelings.And now I'm thinking if I should tell him how I feel, that I like him and I would like to try to start something with him, but I don't know. I'm afraid he will leave me on "read" again, and then I'll feel terrible for the rest of the week probably. But then again, there's that quote "You live once, do whatever comes in your mind".So what are your thoughts? (Also please be kind, it's my first post here, I'm usually a lurker)
first timer got fucked good tonight
Just got fucked for the very first time and it was amazing. I had played with my ass before and even use toys occasionally, but nothing compares to the real thing. This guy had a pretty big cock but it felt so good in my hand, mouth, and ass. He pounded me in like 6 different positions until he finally loaded me up with his cum. i was in pure ecstacy and came without even touching my dick lol
2017. január 30., hétfő
Was called Shallow for Wanting To Be Friends and Not Date...
I'm 19 and started talking to a guy in my Biology class. Hes a really nice guy and super fun to hangout with but he is very overweight. While hanging out the other night he puts his hand on top of mine and puts his head on my shoulder. Not wanting to lead him on I get up and go to the bathroom, when I come back I sit with a gab in between us. He then says "I really like hanging out with you, would you want to be my boyfriend?" I said "Your sweet for asking but we should just be friends." He gets mad and asks why, say we would be better as friends. He just kept asking why. I finally tell him in the nicest way possible that I'm not physically attracted to him. He asks why again, I say I'm attracted to guys who look more like me(I'm Muscular and pretty toned.) He says "I cant believe how shallow you are!." I called him a dick and left. My question is am I shallow for wanting to be attracted to the person I date? I know looks are not everything but some attraction has to be there right?TLDR; Was called shallow becasue I didn't want to date someone I was not physically attracted to. Am I being shallow?
I'm gay and confused with homophobic parents.
POSSIBLE NSFW! I'm new, and I really don't know if this is NSFW. I bring up topics that may be borderline however!After many years, 7 to be specific, I have finally come to terms that I am indeed gay. I've always known deep down, but I've never been able to truly accept the fact. I've had various sexual partners who were women and found myself never truly pleasured or bringing up things that they didn't feel comfortable doing. I have yet to experience a sexual encounter with a guy, but I dated one back in high school, and it felt so surreal, yet right. My parents are completely against the LGBT community and go as far as verbally abusing and harassing the community. (I know, not the greatest parents. Both have been to prison for a good amount of time while I'm studying to become a lawyer. If that isn't irony, I have no clue what is.) With that being said, I have some questions so I'll hop right in and ask.For those who have homophobic or anti-gay parents, did you ever decide to "come out of the closet", and if so, how did you go about this? What was the outcome?Also, how did you come to self-acceptance? During a beautiful LSD trip in my past substance use days, the true question came into my mind: Will I ever be able to accept who I am because of my sexual preference?I know it seems a bit ridiculous in this day and age. We live in a more friendly, yet not the best, time where gays are accepted. Growing up with my parents has truly diminished my inner confidence in accepting who I am. I get upset or angry when I think about who I am and ask the notorious question, why me? My uncle, a very close person, passed away last year. My mother completely disowned her brother because he was gay. When he passed away, she said it was God's judgment for his wrong doings. Now, I'm not the religious type, but even those who share a religion with the world couldn't be as cold-hearted as she was in that moment. It broke my heart.I want to point out that I'm going on 21 this summer and no longer live with my parents. In fact, I no longer reside in the same state with them, however, I keep in contact weekly. Though they are shameful and terrible acting, right winged jerks, they're still my parents. Sorry for the political remark, I don't mean to offend. I'm dead center myself. I just wanted to emphasize my point.I apologize for writing a novel. This is the first time that I've told anyone, especially a community (even if I'm anonymous) that I am gay. I suppose this is a stepping stone in my life. I wanted to vent and get some advice as this build up can't be contained any longer. Nor should it. Thank you all in advance.
don't need help glad i didn't fuck him
Hi everyone I'm 17 and I'm getting seduced everyday by my neighbor who is 16 to f*ck him and I don't know what to do so what should I do P.S I'm bisexual Update : Hi everyone I was unsure about me fucking my neighbor I decided that I'm going to fuck him as a one night stand but before I went I saw my friend who fucked my neighbor before I told him that I am going to fuck my neighbor he told me not to because he got herpes and most the dudes in my hood got it from him
What they'll never get
What they’ll never get Do you know what it’s like to sit alone in a lunchroom full of people? What it’s like to scarf down your lunch, just so you can avoid sitting alone? What it’s like to walk around with headphones in all day, not saying a word to anyone? How it feels to spend lunch writing stories about things people will never get? I do. All because I find men more attractive than women. I’m gay, and every day, I answer “yes” to every one of those questions. Some are worse than others, but mostly they’re all the same. Nobody wants to be alone. I’m just not the type of kid to ask anyone to sit with them, especially because I used to have a lot of friends. Unfortunately, they all ditched me right when I needed them most. I'm not a big trust guy. Sitting alone isn’t even the worst part, people have to do it all the time. The worst part is that I don’t talk to anyone. In all of my classes, the hallways, after school. Not even my family. As if being alone regarding people wasn’t enough, being in high school is a time to date. Every day, I’m surrounded by couples. Couples that only end up lasting a month or two, but still, couples. All I want is a boy to come and save me from myself. To make me feel needed, heard, and wanted. I don’t think he’s coming anytime soon. So I’m stuck. This is what they’ll never get.
A Confused Traveler/Boy Drama
So I'm currently having a bit of a dilemma. I don't want to sound like a teenage girl having boy drama, but...well that's exactly what is happening right now.A bit of context, I'm an visiting the UK from an overseas western country, have been there for six weeks. Here for uni, and leave in a a week. I'm mid twenties, finishing up my post grad degree, mostly gay, out to friends, and some of my family. Have had girlfriends before, one sort of boyfriend, and been on a bunch of dates, but no real long term relationship.Okay, so now story time. So I met one guy through uni, hung out a few times, made a move, it was gladly accepted. Both being adults, we had a good night. He seemed really keen to hang out again, then when I tried to make plans, he didn't reply until I had to contact him in regards to uni work, the next day, and apologized saying he forgot to reply. I figured he was telling the truth, and we were going to make plans to hang out the following week. Then I found out that I had an STI, and doing the right thing gave him the heads up. He said it was all good, but then was a bit weird and avoided me while at uni during the week. We went out with a group after a uni function, and he definitely seemed to be avoiding me, moving to another table and barely speaking all night, then when I go to leave he asks me to stay. So still kind of keen on him, do. Long story short nothing happens, and when I message him asking if he wanted to hang out, he doesn't reply.So that's half the story. The other half, is as a result of being confused and a little sad about being rejected, went on a gay social networking app. Basically met up with a guy who was also visiting from a different part of the UK. We met up in his hotel room and had a really good night, involving: adult time, personal conversations, confusions about past sexual relationships, lots of talking, and then spend the night.He is keen to travel and hang out again. I am also keen on this. But am baring in mind that I will soon be on the other side of the globe. He confuses to feeling weird, and says this is different to previous hook ups. I'm in a similar boat, I had a great night, but am still confused about boy#1, and as such have no idea what to do.So not feeling super comfortable messaging friends for advise, I turn to the good old internet.TLDR: Boy#1 was a bit of a dick, Boy#2 and I have strange feelings post hookup.Now I have two issues: 1) I have to hang out with boy#1 at uni this week. Do I avoid the him? Do I just pretend that nothing is wrong? 2) What do I do about boy#2? Do we hang out? Or do I accept the fact that I'll be gone in a week and probably wont see each other again in this lifetime?Or am I just thinking about this too much? And being too much like a teenage girl.
Never actually believed that homophobic people really existed.
I always assumed that those shooting gay clubs were just psychos and those protesting were just super religious people that are too settled on their ways. Not actually normal people. I know, it was an ignorant way of living, i kinda feel like I was just turning a blind eye, not really wanting to believe it.But i recently came out to a friend and the fucker won't stop making gay jokes and calling me to tell me that i don't have "A faggot's voice" to quote him.He's not religious nor crazy, he's just a prick.
So where do i even start ?
I have been dealing with the fact that I am gay or possibly bisexual. And these past weeks at least I have been honest to myself. I have come out to myself and it is scary but also liberating. Here is the tricky part. I am 20 years old and when i was 14 I repressed some feelings I had for some boys. Next thing I hit puberty and as I looked good girls werent a problem. I met a girl and we dated for almost a year and a half and all my fears of homosexuality seemed gone. But after a rough patch in my life I moved with my dad to Sweden ( I was living in South America in a very christian macho culture) And being here in sweden the feelings toward sex with men kind of came back. But as I kind of repressed that part of my identity it is so hard to now what to do with this part of myself as I havent done anything at all with men and NO ONE of my friends know anything or suspect, not even my family. This Friday im planning to come out to my Uncles girlfriend, because her brother is gay and I think she could help me. I really do feel lost and repressing this has caused me depression, anxiety and shame...
Looking for advice about possible exposure.
I dont usually do gay stuff like i havent in 6 or 7 years. I met up someone on craigslist and we fucked around. Nothing much was done. I did try to take a small dildo (with a condom) in my ass, which was uncomfortable. Then i went home.This morning i see 5 cuts on my ass and they look like razor cuts. I sometimes cut myself as a catharsis when i fall into a depressive spell so i know what it looks like. It really looks like that. I didnt fall down anywhere and it couldnt have been from me brushing up against something because they are verticle cuts.I think while. I was distracted and hurting from the dildo he was cutting me.I am wondering if any of you have experience with this kind of thing. Guy seemed real nice and not pushy at all. I suppose the real risk would be some form of hepatitis but im sure aids could possible be transmitted from very light cuts.Is this some kind of kink? Should i be worried?Thinking about going to the er to get that pill.Please im pretty much freaking out and need some straight talking so i can sort myself out.Thanks guys. I appreciate any insight you might be willing to provide.
So there's this guy
At the beginning of this school year I noticed a new guy in one of my classes. I thought he was extremely cute but pretty much just assumed he was straight so I kind of ignored my slight crush on him. Fast forward half a year later, one of my buds (also the only one I'm out to) was for some reason summing up names of all the gay dudes he knows. You guessed it, he mentioned the name of the guy I liked. Apparantly everyone knew he was gay except for me. My gaydar needs some serious repairs.Now I'm not sure what to do next. There isn't that many gay guys around here so I feel like when I do crush on a gay guy I can't just waste that. I've spent a little bit of time with him but I'm too shy to go up to him and start a conversation. Also, like I've mentioned before, I'm only out to one of my buds and if I start talking to the gay guy all of the sudden the rest of them are probably gonna suspect something. I'd rather come out to them on my own terms than having them ask me about my sexuality.Any advice? Should I come out to my friends before making a move on the guy?
Whats your opinion
My ex boyfriend and I broke up because of the simple thing "he don't want to be gay anymore" and I just because I tell him to avoid someone that actually steal him from me. Last night I just find out that they are actually and relationship now.What should I do? I already blocking him in everywhere. Am I doing the right things?
Do I make my straight friends uncomfortable?
Heya, so I'm am 18 year old female, I have known I liked girls for a long time. I came out to my best friend, a dude (who I met when I moved schools for sixth form) over a year a go (I felt comfortable telling him as I knew he liked girls too). I came out to my other best friends, 4 girls who I have known for like a range of 5-7 years as, as bisexual over the summer before we went on holiday together.I'm worried I make my straight, girl, friends uncomfortable. I feel they have always seen me as an asexual person because I've never hooked up with any boys and I've hidden my 'sexual' side all my life from them. I cannot talk to them about my crushes and feelings, while I can talk for ages to my other male best friend (who is bisexual) about my obsession with Dana Scully and my sex life.They always talk about their sexual encounters but I find myself clamming up and becoming deeply uncomfortable. The other day they bought up a time when one of them basically had lesbian sex when were still attending our old girl school and talked about how "weird" it was (and how weird it was when we used to kiss at our old school).I feel like there is a barrier there, I want to be more open with them but fear they cannot truly accept that part of me.Has anyone else had experience with this kind of situation? Does it depend on the friendship or will there always be a kind of disconnect between straight people of the same sex and someone who is gay/bisexual? And is there anyway I can ease this strange discomfort?
[NSFW] I always thought I would never do that
I like to think I'm a rather open guy, ready to try new things (including sexually), but I have my limits. And the net is a endless source of videos to test your limits.So when I saw a video of a guy rimming (aka "eating", "anilingus") another man's anus, I found that utterly disgusting and told myself I would never ever do that.Fast forward a few years, I'm [bi M] in a couple with a fantastic [gay M] guy, and he is - very gently - inviting me to try new things. (He's much more experienced than me.)So one day he pushed me - gently as usual - to try rimming his asshole. I decided to give it a try (Luckily for me, he's squeaky clean).Holy shit ! (pardon the pun), this was one of the hottest things I've ever done. Grabbing his hairy cheeks, running my tongue up and down while hearing him moan, grabbing his dick and balls while I rim him. It was insanely hot.I'm sold. I will do it again.(Oh and from a bisexual guy's point of view, as long as the guy is clean, I find that the anilingus is better than a cunnilingus. And yes, less smelly.)
I'm a teenager in the closet and the "friends" I hang out with daily are incredibly homophobic and racist. I don't know how to deal with being around them anymore.
throwaway account because my real one is my actual namei've had ideas that i'm attracted to guys since middle school. only recently have i been trying to accept the fact that i'm bi. i'm a senior in high school, living in a Muslim household. my family is openly homophobic. it's been a pretty huge undertaking trying to love myself for who i am when i've been raised to hate what i am. it's hard accepting the fact that i'm bi, and i still can't even get it fully today. i'm planning on leaving to college and being myself, but that's still around eight months away and until then i'm in the closet.the big issue is the people i consider "friends." while i am close to some of them, a lot of them i only hang out with simply because of circumstance. they're in the group, so i'm their friend. this wouldn't usually bother me but they all have a deeply racist and homophobic sense of humor. i'm known for being the big feminist of us all, so i always call them out on their hateful language and humor. most of the time i'm met with being called a pussy or having them say "i'm not actually racist/homophobic, i'm just saying it as a joke!"their language and actions makes them racist and homophobic. every day i struggle to even try to be around them when they think being so openly hateful is funny. i understand their intentions aren't wrong, and that being with them is entirely my choice. i would leave, but having no friend group at all for the rest of high school will be incredibly lonely. i can't deal with that. my best friend, who also happens to be gay and in the closet, is all i really have and they don't seem too keen on hanging out with me every day. i don't know how to cope with this anymore. being around such hateful people makes me want to do the same to fit in. it's like i'm constantly at battle with my morals. it's hard to love yourself when you know the people around you could hate you the moment they find out who you are.i don't know what to do anymore. do i leave them? i know it's too late in the school year to find another group. do i keep trying to make them change? vocalizing how much it bothers me is basically yelling "hey! bisexual boy here! stop!" i can't have people knowing until after i graduate because i have family friends in my grade. do i just wait it out? i know it can and will get better after high school, but it's getting so out of hand, with all the anxiety and stress being around them entails, that i don't know if i can handle it anymore.
Gay fantasy romance book?
Ok so I love to read all types of books but I'm really looking for a gay fantasy book with a bit of romance in it. Any suggestions? I'm open to all books. Also I don't want erotica. Please tell me if u have any that u think I might like. I have yet to find a book that fits this description and am really looking forward to reading one that does. PM me or just comment I don't really care. Thanks for taking the time and for reading this. Hope u have a good day.
2017. január 29., vasárnap
Anyone else have this problem?
I have trouble making friends...for reasons you may or may not be able to relate to. Sorry this post is so long. Right now I'm 22 finishing my last year of college. I've been with my partner for four years, since senior year of high school.From age 11-17, I pretended to be straight to fit in in my small Christian home town. I dated girls and even was sexually involved with one. I was damn good at convincing people I was straight to the point where the false identity haunts me today. I had a very close pack of friends from the swim team, most of them guys. When I finally came out, most of my friends were really awesome about it.I've been in this relationship for four years, since senior year of high school, and I'm generally happy. But when I went to college, I lost touch with those close high school friends and have not been able to replace my friends.When I meet girls who I hit it off with, I often strike them as a single, straight interested male. They want to flirt, or just generally believe I'm a regular straight guy. This is fine, but it's annoying to feel this burden like I have to tell them I'm guy, so they don't get the wrong impression. There are four outcomes to me revealing this: she wants to be my "gaybestfriendomg", she's against homosexuality, she's disappointed because she was into me (sorry if that sounds vain), or she's apathetic. So I feel like after I've connected with a chill chick who I could be great friends with, there's only a small chance it'll even blossom into friendship.That said, I make friends easier with girls than guys. But I so miss my old group of guy friends and just hanging with the guys.When I meet other straight guys, I immediately feel this identity crisis. I can easily pretend to be "one of them" because I did for so long. It's easy. But it feels so so wrong now that I'm becoming more comfortable in my own skin. So then there's the issue of how to drop that bomb. It's hard to come out to guys you just want to be friends with and they can react in tons of different ways.On top of all this weirdness befriending heterosexuals, I feel completely out of place in the LGBT community. I don't like to define myself by my sexual orientation (I see no point in that) unlike many gays. I'm not proud of it - it just "is". And right now, it just feels burdensome, particularly when trying to connect with people. I'm actually in counseling and even a group therapy because this has bothered me so much.Has anyone else experienced these weird feelings with identity and making friends? Help!
Need your heartfelt advice please
A little intro about myself: I am usually a quiet guy who keeps it to himself generally but at the same time when I get comfortable with people I am very open. These past 3 years have also been quite difficult for me the least of which from a social aspect as My dad was terminally ill and I had left everything to take care of and be with him full time at home . At the same time most friends from college or dchopl went to do their own thing in different cities and countries. So fooling around or getting in a relationship was really out question. Anyway I have now just begun looking back for work but out of my relatively conservative home town to a much bigger cosmopolitan gay friendly city. As you can imagine there would be a much better chance for me to meet someone or at least hookup with them . I'm bicurious by nature so that adds another layer of complexity.So not having many friends here I ventured out a lone bar hopping in the rather gay part of town. Ended up going to this gay bar , and meeting some nice people and some creeps as well but in general were really nice. The bar man specifically that I was talking to and served me was really attractive and also flirty, but I guessed it was his job to be flirty. Somehow time flew by and having talked to a few people and this handsome bar man the bar was about to close in like 10 min. I generally don't do this but having felt comfortable there I told the bar man that I was really horny and wanted to get some action. It was probably the way I was looking at him he noticed , he just looked at me with a lusty face and held his buldging dik and we signaled each other to go to the bathroom. Basically I went ahead , he was about to enter the bathroom but since it was closing time noticed that his manager was kind of behind him and I guess it's not allowed to fool around with clientele he apologized that he can't do anything and went back. The reason why I'm telling you all this is that i really want to fool around but always at the back of my mind I wonder if it's the right thing to do or if I'm in the right atmosphere to do something . I only need one small trigger to back off although at the same time I have this strong urge. The guy told me to come tomorrow ( which is today) but I'm not sure I should. I don't know if it's me being lonely because or a lack of real interaction with friends/guys/girls that I get this sudden bursts of extremely lustful behavior disregarding my dignity or what I might catch (std) through a bj with a stranger.Im just at this stage that I feel very lonely but at the same time conflicted . Sorry for the long post , I know I'm a bit layered and kind of all over the place. Please ask me if I need to clarify. I would appreciate all of you guys' heartfelt advice.ThanksJ
Help with telling people you're interested in ?
Hey guys, Almost 1 month I haven't come here, but here we are, I need your advice, and kinda, your help. Long story short, I've recently met a guy I truly like/love at my uni (about 3 months ago). I don't truly know his orientation yet. I had the chance to spend time with him every wednesday for some classes so we got to know each other more or less from it. I began to like/love him because he was really nice, cool and we like the same thing, I also thought there would be some chances for this to work cause he usually liked to swiftly brush/stroke/mess my hair when I was leaning my head on the desk when we were studying, never really told him I enjoy it...Classes finished during december, so I hadn't really the chance to spend time with him aside, and because he finished his classes in december, he's not at my uni for the rest of the year.Actually, We met up 2-3 times for a lunch together, and he came once to my apartment to spend a whole afternoon with me. I asked him if he wanted to hang out once more, he agreed and he suggested that he could to my uni then we could lunch together there and then we could go back to my place for the afternoon. I immediatly agreed, joyful. So we're gonna meet this wednesday (in 3 days), and I want this to be kinda special. At least, I want him know that I like him (as a friend at least) or even want him to know I'm in love with him. But as clumsy as I am (never really had any relationship (I'm 20M)), I don't know how to let him know my overall feelings, if I should make some hints for him, telling him straight away (thing I don't want to) or simply suggest it. I just don't know and I feel like i'm freaking lost.Anyway, I somehow need your support, your help, and your advice for this to work around. Thanks,
Older And Lost In Life
I am a 32 year old gay male, who is struggling quite a bit with life. The problem being : I feel way too much is out of my control. I would love to talk with gay guys and get their opinions. Support would be nice as well.I am into younger guys. While this is true physically speaking, I like younger guys due to their perspective. Most guys my age are too caught up in the responsibility and expectations of life, and don't want to just "be". From my experiences, it becomes more important to start families, buy houses, and make a statement about how adult you can be. Truth is.. a lot of us still have that kid inside of us.I also like younger guys due to life transitions. I am a struggling professional, who just like many young people, is looking to figure out what I want to do with my career. I am still interested in meeting new friends, going to bars, and just doing silly stuff like bowling and mini golf. The problem comes in with the fact that as a 32 year old guy, my social opportunities for meeting younger people without coming off creepy are extremely slim. I feel like I will be forever alone.I have been on dating websites and apps for about ten years now. I very rarely have had opportunities to connect with guys, as most that I send messages to never respond. I am just growing tired of going on every app, seeing the same exact people, and feeling like I am trapped in this bizarre world. Relationships and friendships aren't this tough for most people, and I just don't understand how to break the cycle.I don't want to be known as a creepy, daddy, or any other label anyone wants to put on me due to my perspective and what I am looking for. I just want to lead a normal life with meaningful connections and intimacy.My career, relationship options, friends, are really what is getting me down. And the problem is.. they all require someone on the other end to accept me. If I am trying the best that I can, am always being rejected, and can't grasp any bit of success, what am I supposed to do to make my situation better?
Life just gave me a lemon
So I am 19 years old gay boy that have been in a good relationship (before), I post many so you guys probably know me. English is not my native language so please mind my grammar.So I had this relationship with this lovely boy. I know him through a WhatsApp group discussion, He is totally my type. And apparently we have a lot of things in common. We had a good memories together. Until one day someone there's a person that came in between us (technically he just say hi to both of us and creating new group discussion and added both of us, me and my ex), long story short they start to get close. I don't mind if they are close to each other. The things in mind that totally bothering me is ya know, that person (who getting close with my ex) is turned out to be gay too. I started to worried, and asked my ex to avoid him. He never listened. Until one day they are FaceTiming and I am totally not okay with that. Well we have a lot of fight he (my ex) keep defends his self that he not doing anything. And keep blaming me for being worried.Long story short, we broke up. And today I was saying a little hi to him. Everything went well. He asking about how my love life doing, I said it was pretty good. He keeps remind me to old stuff and push me too hard to just telling him that how much I hate that guy (the third guy). And he told me that they are currently in a relationship, and blocked me from every social media. And that guy also chat me just to told me the same and blocked me too afterward.I just don't know how to describe my feeling rn. A little help and motivation from friends made me better. But sometimes it's just harsh to think :(
Bi male, never been with a guy. I'm extremely committed to my girlfriend but I want to explore my sexuality.
I've been with her for a few years now and we're planning to get married one day and start a family. We're both bi, and I've brought up the idea of threesomes, or equal-opportunity chances to explore same-sex encounters in a safe environment (ie, we would be 100% transparent, possibly present for the experimenting), and she really doesn't think she can handle the idea of me being with someone else.So that being said, it's looking a lot like I'm just gonna have to suck it up and live my life feeling like a straight guy who just happens to watch gay porn. It really bothers me sometimes and I'm almost kind of scared it will lead to temptations to be unfaithful years down the line. I don't want to "take a break" or anything, this relationship is far too important to put to the side (also, we live together). I'm feeling extremely trapped and regretful I couldn't do this before I met her.Anyone else in this situation? How did you solve it?
Telling people you're interested ?
Hey guys, Almost 1 month I haven't come here, but here we are, I need your advice, and kinda, your help.Long story short, I've recently met a guy I truly like/love at my uni (about 3 months ago). I don't truly know his orientation yet. I had the chance to spend time with him every wednesday for some classes so we got to know each other more or less from it. I began to like/love him because he was really nice, cool and we like the same thing, I also thought there would be some chances for this to work cause he usually liked to swiftly brush/stroke/mess my hair when I was leaning my head on the desk when we were studying, never really told him I enjoy it...Classes finished during december, so I hadn't really the chance to spend time with him aside, and because he finished his classes in december, he's not at my uni for the rest of the year.Actually, We met up 2-3 times for a lunch together, and he came once to my apartment to spend a whole afternoon with me. I asked him if he wanted to hang out once more, he agreed and he suggested that he could to my uni then we could lunch together there and then we could go back to my place for the afternoon. I agreed immediatly agreed, joyful.So we're gonna meet this wednesday (in 3 days), and I want this to be kinda special. At least, I want him to know that I like him (as a friend at least) or even want him to know I'm in love with him. But as clumsy as I am (never really had any relationship (I'm 20M)), I don't know how to let him know my overall feelings, if I should make some hints for him, telling him straight away (thing I don't want to) or simply suggest it. I just don't know and I feel like i'm freaking lost.Anyway, I somehow need your support, your help, and your advice for this to work around. Thanks,
Advice on future sex?
I've had experiences before like giving guys massages and receiving them, and sleeping next to them in bed but never actually anything sexual or touching their dick. I'm 16 and there's this guy in school who I talked to and we talked for a few nights really late about stuff we find attractive (he's gay and I am too) and he was like "you can fuck me if you want." He said his dick is like 8 inches and he's a top. I've never done anything really actually involving sex so I'm not sure what to do. He's really hot and he thinks I'm good looking too, I'm just nervous about it.I don't want to bottom honestly, I'd rather just suck him off but I didn't ask if we could do that. I'm also not sure when/where we could do it cause our parents are both home most of the time...any ideas? Thanks.
Gay men are not all fickle
I've been in conversations where one person takes for granted that I think all gay men are fickle. It really bothers me. I don't believe it to be true.I do see online dating ads where someone will say something like "no fats or fems" or something about race. This is all very unfortunate but I believe these guys are the exception. On dating sites I don't look at straight men but I would suspect such profiles do exist.One thing I do notice as I get older is that the admittedly fickle focus less on the small stuff and more on personality and emotional connection.End rant. Anyone agree or disagree? It would be fun to see stats.
Straight friend trying to learn how to help a closeted gay frirnd
Straight guy here, figured I'd check in with you fellas and look for some advice. My friend, let's call him Jay, recently came out and told me he was gay. No worries, I've had other gay/lesbian friends and really, this isn't something I'd treat anyone differently over. I still love my bud.So Jay and I live and lead a lifestyle that isn't "necessarily" conducive to your community, in that we both live in a rather rural area, we work blue collar jobs, and we are both big gear heads. (I'm a Chevy guy, but he drives a Subaru. So fitting, right?) I am sort of a big brother type to him, so in a completely platonic way I have to hold his hand and push him through some things and this will probably be the same, he's pretty worried and a little bit scared about his revelation. How can i, as a friend, help him? I know he has gotten Grindr, and started talking to someone, but me and one other close mutual friend are the only ones who know. His family doesn't know, and they are cause for more worry (godamn Catholics), what can I do to help walk him into accepting himself? He doesn't seem happy, let alone accepting of himself and it hurts to watch him get ripped up inside. Please/thanks in advance, boys. Jay could use a little help and I could use a little help too
I am pretyy attractive at least my body is. Im a hairy musclebear. Is being a gay stripper easy money?
I want to move out and be a gay stripper to support myself.How shoukd I do this?
[OVERCOMINGDIFFERENCES] My (23M) partner (32M) doesn't think we are intellectually compatible.
Over the past few weeks, my partner has been worried we are not intellectually compatible, as in he and I often do not share a lot of the same common experiences, hobbies, or general interests. I think that the problem isn't necessarily that, buthe problem is rooted in not being in the right habit and mindset to talk openly about these things.Does anyone have any suggestions? Critique? Experiences to share?It will really help! Thank you sincerely.In addition, I often find it difficult to come up with things to say in reaction to what he is taking about or to find a long-lasting interest, which I really put down on myself in my mind, thinking maybe it's the medication I am on that is causing me to be "lull". I can make an ongoing list.
Flirting with "straight" gays???s
Hey guys, do any of you have experience with flirting with straight-acting gays. I've got a friend who I know is into guys and I'm just not sure how to flirt him. Any tips?
2017. január 28., szombat
Need advice
I would consider myself bi (im mostly straight), and when i get horny by anything gay being gay porn or reading gay stuff it feels fine untill i cum i feel waird about it all and never want to do anything gay again. Just looking for any advice
[NSFW] Are enemas necessary?
Do you find it necessary to use an enema each time before anal sex? Have you ran into anyone that requires or doesn't require use?
NSFW erection/uncut issue
Hey I'm a 23 year old (m). I have a boyfriend (22) and in our sexual relationship, he tends to top more, but he is open to bottoming for me. We've been together since October and the few times I've tried to top him, I've been unable to maintain an erection.I'm uncut and I have a very sensitive head. Between the sensitivity(sometimes discomfort/pain) and sheer pressure from penetration-or trying to penetration (after helping my partner loosen up), I lose my erection.I've started leaving my glands exposed during the day and that's helped a little in the pain department, but I'm struggling to figure out this issue. My partner's been great and supportive but I'm just frustrated.Any advice or suggestions would be very helpful. I've been looking into cock rings as well. Thank you!
Need to vent a bit, also looking for any kind of guidance
So i met this guy a 3-4 years ago. And somehow we ended up going to the same university and studying the same degree. Circumstances in general made us quite close. I had a little crush over him when we first met but got over it when time passed. And since then i always saw him as a normal friend. But lately i dont know if it's me being too thirsty or him being hotter than usual. My mind has been killing me, every time i smell his scent i feel the need of touching him. Btw he knows that im gay, we always joke about it (im quite touchy with him and usually he's fine with it). But nowdays i just feel bad, because at this point im just taking avantatges of him. I'm thinking about maybe putting myself out and try to meet someone to keep my head away from thinking about stupid things when im at uni. But at the same time i dont like the whole gay dating scene. I've been masturbating everyday before going to uni but it just doesnt help. Nothing helps at this point, imma cut off my dick.
I have no idea what to title this but...
I'm not gay or anything (atleast yet)I'm a guy just to make you more aware.I don't support anti-gay protesters, I think you can protest, but to protest against who people can love and they're rights and say they can't do this that and whatever, is really stupid.I myself for some odd reason, support woman/girls being gay more than I support men, I definitely support men, having gay relationships with one another, I just feel like the loveable consent, as in kissing and all that is just so reduced, like I would feel kind of awkward to kiss a guy, while if I were a girl, I would be shy but not extremely anxious.I just wonder, if anyone out there is a gay couple, (two guys). How do you guys like, express your feelings to each other? Do you buy gifts, kiss, and cuddle, or do you like just do regular men things, that impress each other?I feel like girls are more just squishy like they're more up to kiss and cuddle with another girl, and guys just aren't.If this seriously offends ANYONE, I am so sorry, It's not my intent, I just wanted to express my feeling, I just don't know how it would work, I am so sorry, I apologize but I had to express myself.I just want to express myself and wonder if anyone else is the same or think the same.Thank you ;)
Hi! I want everyone to know that I'm bi, but I'm afraid of reactions and stuff.
Hi everyone,I'm 16 years old and I'd like for everyone that even remotely knows me to know that I'm bi. All my family knows, close friends, etc, but no one really else. I feel that I'm not really being myself fully when nobody knows. And of course, how would all the guys know :)? Any advice on how to do it? I should of course expect negative reactions but I wouldn't know how to deal with them.Thanks for reading!
Should we consider Muslims are allies?
I've never met an older Muslim guy who hasn't treated me like complete shit. When I was in high school the younger Muslims typically weren't as bad as their parents. I guess because there more used to it or haven't been in a country where it will get you killed. Either way some of the people coming here wanting sharia law zones are defiantly not allies, and I couldn't consider anyone who was very devout a ally either. The ideology teaches being gay is wrong and you should be killed for it. I know the Bible says the same thing but Christianity actually had a modern reformation a long time ago so that's a unfair comparison. Not saying everyone who's Muslim is homophobic but generally muslims don't support our right to be together or even to live in some cases.What are your thought? Am I being to harsh or have your experiences been mostly negative as well?
Falling for a coworker
Hello there guys, I was looking at some posts here and felt like sharing this, you might have some points to help me go through this situation. So, I work in a software development company, nobody knows that I'm gay (or that's what I believe), I'm not open about it (I've accepted myself already just don't feel like coming out would help anything given my family beliefs). Anyway, I have this coworker, he is charming, really friendly and helpful kind of guy. He started working there a few months after me about 1 year ago. The first time I've seen him I felt interested, he has attributes that I like in a guy. However I was cool about it, we often have lunch together and we would talk about random stuff, never got crazy about him, it was more colleague talk. The thing is that from the past month I've started to feel really into him. We are working more closely now, and I've got to know him better and his experiences, dreams and lifestyle just made me fall for him a little (not to say a lot). He is very reserved about personal life, he doesn't talk much about them, with time I could get some things out of him, we went out for a drink to a bar one day (it was supposed to go more people from work but we ended up going just us two). He is Christian, family kind of guy, kind hard to understand as himself noted. I didn’t ask him about relationships (I asked him too much stuff already in the last time, felt like he could feel in an interrogation, so I’ve stopped before getting creepy) he told me he wants to live in a countryside house, work remotely, find the one girl and have some kids as a later life goal. However never seen mentions of relationships on any of his social networks. We went out other day with lots of people from work, and some girl friends of mine, I even tried to hook him up with one of them but he told me the one he liked wouldn’t like him, so he kept distance and didn’t said anything else. Other than that, he doesn't give clues about his truth orientation. I feel like since he is really worried about job image, he wouldn't tell if he is gay even if asked. I don't get anything that could say he is gay, but other than some random mentions about Margot Robbie and some other “love of his life” girls, nothing that can affirm he is straight either. I don't know if I'm luring myself or he may be exactly like me. I can't just ask if he is gay, I would be exposing myself which I'm not comfortable doing. So, I like talk to him, he inspires me, even being younger I feel like he did and does more so I get nice book, music, study, work recommendations from him. Maybe I’ve started the year more needing, never had a relationship for more than 3 months, so my hope may have lured me to believe that he could be the one I’ve been looking for. Any tips in what should I do guys?
What else is there?
My boyfriend (32) completely hates anal sex, giving or receiving, though he is the more "dominant" one in the relationship. I (23) get upset a lot because my boyfriend worries that we will run out of things to do in the bedroom or it will get too boring too fast, and I hate to even try to agree with him on that standpoint - I try to keep an optimistic attitude in this struggle with him. His words do get me thinking though, what else is there in the gay world to do with anal sex out of the picture, disregarding elicit drugs, that hasn't really already been done? I need help, and I need ideas - fast.
My professor is being a dick!!! (Sorry It's a bit long)
I have really kept this to myself for the longest time because I feel like I put myself in this situation and I really do not want anyone to judge me.I am currently a freshman at Georgetown university, unfortunately, I have no friends at the school I don't know if there is something wrong with me or if the people here are just not friendly.I am also an out of the closet gay.A few months ago in my first semester, I went to a gay bar, I had no idea what kind of gay bar it was because I just googled the place and went to the nearest one close to me. As it turns out it was filled with older men and I was basically seen as fresh meat to them, I was being hit on anyhow and I know some people like that stuff but I have some serious anxiety issues and I did not like it one bit so I decided to end it. While I was leaving the bar, Someone came to talk to me on the street and I am not into older men or anything but he seemed very nice and he looked good so we hit it off. I gave him my number and we had sex that night, I am not a whore or anything but he was very persistent, A few days later I found out that he was my philosophy professor, I was very scared but I figured that we were in a huge lecture hall so he would not see me, unfortunately my phone decided to ring out loud and everyone noticed including the professor he didn't even seem shocked to see me, he just smiled and continued teaching.When I got back to my dorm he called me and asked if he could see me I wanted to say no but he convinced me to come and I met him for dinner, I met him for dinner and after that we went back to his house and while I was there I saw pictures of people that were obviously his family,he had a wife and 2 sons who looked like they would be my age mate, I felt bad because I never thought that I would find myself in such a situation, and being from a broken home myself I know the kind of drama and pain being unfaithful can bring to a family,but he was very convincing and he told me it doesn't matter and it was just a fling.I don't want to seem like a fool or anything but he actually was convincing and he did know the right thing to say all the time. We had sex that night and several times after that and we eventually began to have an emotional relationship which was put forward by him and I must admit I did like him too so I agreed to be in a relationship with him. It was nice he used to buy me stuff and give me cash and tell me how much he loved me and he used to help me with the course and give me 1 or 2 extra marks on my papers and midterms, which might seem small but in college that is really a big deal. The relationship continued for quite some time, but a few weeks ago when I was leaving his house I saw one of his sons outside the house and I had to lie that I was his TA and I had to submit some stuff so he didn't get too suspicious. He then continued to make conversation with me and I found out that we were both 18 and I found out how much he admires his father and I instantly felt sick to my stomach. I ended the relationship the next day he didn't take it lightly at all he was really angry and I was very scared. Since then I have been avoiding him in classes and I deleted his number from my phone. Now the problem is that since I ended our thing I have submitted 7 papers and in 5 of those papers I have gotten D's and I got straight up F's in the other two. And I cannot say I didn't expect this to happen but I had no idea he would fail me this bad I am not a bad student, I know I am an above average student may be an A- or a B+ kind of student so you see my confusion as to the reasons I am getting D's and F's. Aside from that I have been constantly getting emails and text messages from him saying that he wants me back and some of them have been quite scary, I don't know what to do I have no friends to talk to about this and mid-terms are coming up and I don't think I would be able to handle getting an F in my midterm, Please can anyone tell me what to do I know this is my fault but please this is really serious, I care alot about my education and I dont want a tiny mistake to mess up my life.
For All You Tops Out There
Hello Tops,I just wanted to take the time out of my day to address a few things with you guys in an attempt to change your perception of your bottom boy.I really don't think some (not all) of you understand just how much we bottoms sacrifice for your pleasure. So, let me begin...As men, I can only assume that most of your diets consist of beer, pizza, wings, junk food, etc. Basically: Your diets are mostly slacking. As bottoms, we have to be constantly aware of what we are putting into our bodies. If we eat garbage, then that is what we can expect to come out. Obviously, we want to make the "cleaning process" as smooth as possible, and this means watching our diets. Sure, sounds easy enough. But when you're drunk at 2 AM, all you can think about is Chipotle, and you're going to be bottoming the next day, it is difficult. I am not saying that us bottoms can never eat "junk," but we do have to be cautious; especially if we have a date coming up with a lucky guy.For me, the anxiety that comes with bottoming almost makes me want to go back to JUST women. I like being submissive and putting on a show for a guy, but the second that we are about to have sex, this thought always pops into my head: "Am I definitely clean enough down there?" I have NEVER (knocks on wood) had any messes, but it is always something that I worry about. Yeah, the guy knows what he is getting himself into, but it is still a huge concern for me and a lot of other men that I know.The amount of preparation that goes into getting ready to bottom is exhausting. Here's my routine:Eat lightly that day before bottomingEat nothing at all the day ofDouche the living day lights out of your hole until everything comes out cleanPossibly take an Imodium What is this usually for; this multiple-hour long process? About 10-20 minutes of being vigorously screwed until your man has finished his business. All that work for 20 minutes "of pleasure."We are at higher risk of catching HIV/STDs. So no, I won't just sleep with anyone without a condom. I HATE when guys try and force this on me. I will gladly sleep with someone without protection if I am in a relationship with them/they have been tested. Until then, nope.WE ARE GUYS TOO AND WE LIKE OUR DICKS PLAYED WITH TOO. I mean jeez, here I am doing all this work to make you feel good, and you can't even reach down and jerk it for me? Okay... Guess this will be the last time you get with me!So long story short: Appreciate the man that is allowing you to top him. He has done a lot of work (if he is a good bottom) to make sure that the sex is fun and clean.~reppin' all bottoms out there~
Staying in the closet on purpose...
I initially took this job as part time for some extra cash, but I stayed for 6 years.. I never came out to my coworkers. A few friends that I'm close with or have known for years now but the majority of coworkers and now employees suspect but I have never confirmed anything.My reasoning for not coming out is partly fear of how people I don't know may treat me but my stubborn attitude and the main reasons for not saying anything is because it's not all that I am. It's not really anyone's business. And I never planned on staying.Now I've been inspired by some YouTubers. Just watching their happiness and hearing how people reacted to them. And now remembering those few years where I was completely out.. what do I do!?! Lol was I wrong for keeping it to myself? I could have inspired so many people myself but who is to say that was my place or that that was the best route for myself.. just looking to talk about it. I don't have any gay friends except my bf of almost 9 years
Trevorspace
Im trying to certify my Trevorspace account and Im on to the 4th step which is basically filling in my bio but the information doesn't save. I dont know if it's because of my wifi, service, etc. but its anoying so I'm trying to delete it and make a new account but I only know how to deactivate it. Does anyone know how to delete my account?? I looked up on Google but i couldn't find anything helpful.
Same-sex marriage
Sorta serious post.Long story short, I have a debate coming up regarding the topic. I'd like to hear good arguments on why same-sex marriage should be a thing, as well as possible "flaws" on said argument.Alternatively, it'd also be nice if you could give some claims as to why some people would be against same-sex marriage, and then maybe explain why those claims are faulty or illogical.I know it sounds pretty lazy of me having to ask here rather than just Googling it all up, but I'd also like to hear your thoughts on it.
Coming out before or after meeting a guy?
Basically I'm 20 years old, gay, and haven't been with a guy before. The problem is that I'm not keen on the idea of hooking up with randomers, but I'm also petrified of coming out. Just wanted to hear your stories on whether you were already out or not before getting with someone of the same sex.
exploring sex (lgbt)
Hi, so I am a 25 gay male. I was raised strict catholic and it took me a while before I could have sex (or even masturbate) without feeling shame or like I was dirty. I've had sex but almost always in the context of a relationship. I haven't much enjoyed the few one night stands I've had because the lack of emotions (to me at least) cheapens the experience. Basically I don't like sex if there isn't emotion attached to it. The dating game has kinda dried up, and kinda I'm horny 24/7. I've wanted to have a sex life again but besides the fear of rejection (i'm kinda getting over it) I'm horrified of STD's. Yeah I know about condoms and prep. But I'm more worried more about warts and herpies. So my question is basically, how do guys hook up without emotions involved? I'm not like emotionally needy, I just like to feel cared about when I have sex. This might have to do more with the way I was raised and seeing sex as super intimate. And lastly, STDS PEOPLE!?!?!? I downloaded grindr but I'm horrified to actually use it. PEOPLE LIE ALL THE TIME!!! This super hot guy shot me a nude, but there appeared to be questionable bumps around his groin region. I didn't know how to polity tell him he should get checked. Like how do you guys just not preoccupy yourself about it?? Thanks for reading: thoughts, comments, points of view., etc much appreciated.
Yea I am a stripper
Hey, there is something that has been going on with me for the past few months and the people in this forum seem wiser than those in other online forums I, I don't know if this is the right place to bring this up but here I go. I am currently a 19-year-old college student in my 2nd year of studying international relations. I am from Nigeria and I came out as gay when I was 18,I decided to keep this information from my family cus Nigerians don't really appreciate homosexuality and I was able to do so for quite sometime but unfortunately there are some Nigerian students on my campus and they gossip a somehow this information got to my family.My father then cut me off and I had a very limited amount of money, I was able to get a job at a fast food restaurant close to my school but the pay really wasnt nearly enough to pay all of my bills. I recently got a job at a gay strip club working as a stripper and I have had that job for 4 months now the pay is amazing and I have been able to get a lot of tips,I haven't had sex with any of the men in the club because I am a strict bottom and most of the men in the club want me to top them because I am black they all assume I have a big dick which i do not posses.But that is not the problem my problem now is that I am wondering if my choice to work as a stripper now would affect me in the future. I plan on becoming a politician and a diplomat and in most of the series, I watch this kind of things i.e stripping always come back to bite you in the ass. I want to know if it is too late for me and if I should just change my major and try to choose another major where I won't be in the public eye or if I should just continue anyway and hope for the best. I honestly don't know what I can do and any advice or any job opportunities and offers would be highly appreciated.
2017. január 27., péntek
Why would a gay guy do this? Looking for perspective?
So a while back I visited a long-time friend I hardly get to visit, who is openly gay. He confided in me multiple times about his social anxiety, and how I'm "the only person who listens to him", and his issues with his partner, who he apparently doesn't connect with openly. We meanwhile have scarily a lot in common from interests, to visions for the future, to personal aspirations, and can go for hours upon hours on subjects being on the same page to the extent that sometimes we finish each other's sentences. He is also very very comfortable around me, and his entire demeanor changes when we aren't surrounded by our other friends or his partner, and can finally get along to catch up. But before you think it's "like that" due to how we grew up, and his small 'gay' feminine tendencies I will never be attracted to him like that. He will always be somewhat of a brother-figure.Anyway in the most recent visit, when his partner was away that afternoon, we sat on the couch together and binged watched one of the shows he wanted to watch with me, and after looking at me a inordinate lengths of time, (turning away when I looked), and shyly commenting that I look "beautiful" in my most recent pictures, he was slowly brushing his feet against my leg and smiling at me. Nothing went further from there, as I smiled and pushed his feet away. But still. It just seems way too oddly flirtatious considering the circumstances we were in during the time, and since he has a partner it made me feel a little uncomfortable. Am I reading too much into this, because of my past experiences with straight boyfriends? Perhaps this is like when I'm overly affectionate with my female friends, perhaps? IDK, even when I'm being flirty with my friends or my sister it's usually obnoxious, and over-the-top.Gay guys, give me your perspective on this.
Need some relationship advice
I met a very awesome guy several months ago and we are becoming serious. The first month we had sex several times but its been three months since the last time. He has no sex drive due to a medication he takes and depression. At night in bed he will reject any advances I try to make rather forcibly and he gets angry sometimes. This has led me to become very hurt and feel unattractive on several occasions. He acts like he doesn't care if we don't ever have an intimate relationship but I know that I want intimacy. We almost broke up several days ago due to a fight about the situation. He started going to therapy for his depression a few weeks ago. Besides the lack of sex, our relationship is very good and we both really care for each other. I'm wondering if I should try to wait it out for a bit or just end our relationship now? It may sound petty but I believe sex is important in developing a very close relationship.
Coping with some not so easy to deal with thoughts on love
I really don't know how to get around this. I hate where I am in my life and I feel like I'll never be loved because I haven't had any experience in relationships. I went on a few dates with one guy but it didn't happen. I feel so worthless and awful and like I'm doing something wrong because I just can't attract anyone. I feel like nobody ever pays attention to me in any way in general. And of course the only sexual experience I had was being sexually assaulted so that's wonderful. I guess I'm just asking for any ways that I can help myself through his rut and if any other people have gone through this before?I know it's slightly harder for gay people to date because there's less of us out here so I shouldn't be like "all my straight friends are in relationships I feel bad for not being in a relationship myself" but practically all my gay friends are dating. And I feel so jealous at all of them to the point where being around gay couples makes me depressed because they're so happy and I'm not and I'm just bitter.
Help with coming out to my mom
I just recently accepted I was gay and now want to come out to my mom. I've already came out to my brother and he's very supportive, so that makes it a little easier. But I need some tips of how to strike up a conversation to tell my mom, I know she'll be supportive because she's said on multiple occasions that she doesn't care if I'm gay, and will support me always. But even after she said that I still find myself unable to tell her.
Straight girl friend wants to have sex..
Have you guys been propositioned by a straight female friend for sex? I'm gay.. but also intrigued about the possibility (I mean.. I'm kind of bi-curious..).. but I also don't want to hurt our friendship or make us tense.Any insight or experiences with this?
How do I ask my younger sister if she's gay?
Az összesítés nem áll rendelkezésre. A bejegyzés megtekintéséhez
kattints ide.
Funny story I read on /fit/
be /fit/ 23 year old happahave fat twin brother who is a trannydrinking with him one night at home alonestarts getting touchy and asking me about my sex life"You're so ripped anon, you must get lots of girls" etceventually his hand glides over my crotch and he smiles at meDespite being nearly Zyzz mode my autism means I've only fucked prostitutesHornyness makes me just kind of "meh" and figure may as well fuck himAfter we fuck he thinks we're in some kind of relationshipCan't comprehend how fucked up this situation isEnded up moving overseas to escape himsource: http://ift.tt/2kvuY2p
Thoughts on today's homophobia.
So as we all know, well in my life at least, homophobia is still around. And it's getting worse. The thing is, I don't think that it's the fact that a man loves another man. I think it's because of the way some of us act. Seeing disgusting people like Jedward on Big Brother really pisses me off, because it's making my family hate gay people even more. They're already homophobic enough but having all these pretentious, arrogant, attention-seeking twats on TV is really aggravating them. You can be feminine, flamboyant, whatever. But shoving it in people's faces, making yourself heard everywhere you go is just disgusting.Every time I sit there watching BB with my family I have to sit through "fucking faggots", "why are gay people so fuckin arrogant" etc. it just gets me even more mad. I think people like Jedward, Spence, Perez Hilton etc are just bringing shame and hatred to the community. Hell, I even hate gay pride day and all this equality rally shit because it's just making things worse. It's making us more different, and that's why I will never come out to my family. It's why I hate being gay and desperately wish I was straight. People at the Women's March were holding signs saying "make America queer again". Imagine if it was the other way round? I don't understand why some people think they're special because they like dick.
what should i do, is he gay or not ?
So this is a really really long story that i am going to overly summarize, so please ask questions. But the basis of this is question is what the hell should i do because I'm getting so many mixed signals that i just don't know what to do. So it all starts back about a year ago, we started working together, and i would kinda notice him and we would work later in the night together but we didn't ever talk and i would notice him looking over at me... to time went on and we started talking very basic, (hey whats up, simple stuff.) So we added each other on Facebook before we really knew each other and we had light conversations usually about work, then we started to hang out and we became really close friends really quick like less then a summer break were best friends now it seems. But back to the story, so we started hanging out and a group decided to have a party so i went and he was there. and i would notice that he would stare at me a lot and he would dance and sing while also looking at me. so after that party i was like ummm maybe (and the "gaydar" was kinda going off before that, not that that is actually a thing). So i kinda asked around and it turned out all his friends think he's gay and he's bad with girls and has only has like 1 or 2 Girlfriends all very short lived. So we go to more parties together and talk and what not and i got kinda drunk at one party and sent a snapchat that literally said i wanted to hook up with you tonight. - no answer what so ever from him. saw him the next day he asked like nothing happened. So now I was like wtf and more time goes on and we went to the movies together (just us) and again nothing... but he let me go with just him and it seemed like he wanted to go. Now through out the time we still do little things like get lunch together here and there and with a group of friends plus other stuff, at work we take breaks together and everyone knows that it's like our thing to go together. So another party comes up and this time he's doing all the same things as before, the stares and the dancing and the singing and what not and he's kinda now tracking how much I'm drinking... So we get some lone time and he looks at me and says serious question are you gay cause you said you wanted to hook up with me... I was taken too back i said no, and for the rest of the night he was angry at me it seems and he hinted at me to leave the party. So i did and the next day i told him the truth and asked what he was and he said straight.OK so i wasn't convinced so more parties (he had a very small thing at his house once and it was me him and like 2 or 3 other people and it ended super early because he was kinda being annoying asking about gay stuff and i still wasn't comfortable talking about it cause i felt kinda forced out still at the time, I'm glad I'm sorta out now) and more stares and what not so i wanted to step up the anti a little and told him to make plans, cause i like when just the two of us do stuff together. so we went to the mall and then back to the house to drink together. and i was super touchy, hair arms and even his legs... we looked through the pictures on each others phones talked about family and stuff and he brings up all the old conversations we had. Plus other deep conversations. So after having him let me be so touchy I'm starting to wonder again. Now new years is coming and I'm thinking my place, originally it was going to be but then another person was having a party so i was like shit there goes the plans but originally we were still going to my place... and we talked about it too, so i went to pick him up and his parents are talking to me and ask who all will be at my place and i say i don't know, with that he announces that we are going to the other party with more people. (damn) so I'm like damn whatever I'm still drinking... and 12am comes and we take a shot together because someone else was around i didn't want to try anything funny so the usual stuff happens at this party and near the end of the night he started to get a little angry idk why but he was and we all fell asleep. Time goes on small gathering here and there lunch some shopping and what not. then we have another party just us and we again are super touchy and just talking about deep stuff and he says his dad thinks he (the boy i like) might be "f***ing gay because he's not bring girls over." and stuff like that so I'm kinda surprise and i feel bad now because I'm thinking he's putting a straight act on for his father and this party i played with his hair way more and touched his ears a little and was practically laying across his lap. plus if we sat together to watch something on one's phone we would lean against each other. So i kind a took his phone and searched Facebook and found that i was his top search... idk wth that could mean but i think good. we sleep on the couch together but not next to each other but he's not on a end he's in the middle and I'm squeezing together on an end to fit... hahah. so we were originally going to get breakfast but his father called and we had to get him home soonish... so we got ready and i drove him home we stoped at a few stores the way home. and then more parties and more stares and more touchiness from both me and him... so idk what to think he says he's straight yet i don't believe him especially when he lets me touch him all over the place, he's seen me look and stare at his private at parties and doesn't say anything, hell make sexual references jokes. we both laugh at everything each other say and we just get alone so god damn well. i just don't know what to do and I'm too nervous to attempt to hook up (kiss) because I'm afraid that if he doesn't like it then hell have no way to leave and i do not want him to feel trapped. there are stories about him kissing boys but only like tap kisses. I just don't know what to do or think and idk like I'm still new to this whole thing so when people tell me to just go for it my body still wants to live the lie i told myself to live and it doesn't feel right to kiss yet i get that weird feeling that i probably should try... if that makes any sense at all. Its not a secret that i like this boy and everyone seems to know it... i just don't know if i should believe him or if i should try something and if so what and how.... plzzzz help me solve this ultimate mysterysorry for some language. and thank you all so much
Finding love in beds
When did you realise they like a person more than what you did in bed? Or did you ever confuse happiness in the bed for actual feelings? Just would like to know some stories here haha Thank :)
IMPORTANT! Anyone here in New York? Go to the HWNDU site and hug the /pol/acks who hang out there.
They could use it. Bonus points if you manage to get them into a group hug or cuddle with you. If you are 4chan savy make sure to use memes so they know you are one of them. Like "you are all big guys" (they will respond with "for you) or just say "oy vey, what do we have here?" This is not trolling them, but if you want to think of it this way, then you will get bonus points if the more gay stuff you could do with them.
Made a Joke During Sex and Triggered My BF, Now He Doesn't want To Have Sex Anymore...
I have a dark sense of humor and made a joke at the wrong time. I heard a story of a guy having sex with a girl and he would say crazy stuff while he did it, don't remember all the details but I thought the story was hilarious and wanted to try it my self. One line from the story really stuck with me and decided that is what I'll say. While doing it doggy style he starts moaning and I take this as my opportunity.Me - "You like this dick?"Him - "Fuck ya"Me - "You like this dick you fucking retard?"After I said that he looked back at me I have a huge grin on my face and I'm trying all I can not to start laughing. He says hes done and gets dressed didn't say much and just left. After texting him later that night he told me that he was called retarded a lot in elementary school and it always bothered him. I didn't know this and I apologized like crazy. Now anytime I try to start sex he is standoffish. Any advise on how to mend are relationship?PS Im 18 hes 20.TLDR: Called my BF a "Fucking retard" during sex as a joke and he freaked out because he was called retarded in elementary school.
[NSFW]It seems to me that a lot of sterotypically masculine guys are really insecure about inserting things up their ass. Why?
Im 28 and I have just this month started playing with my ass/inserting things up there during solo play.Why didn't I try this earlier!?!Its amazing. I get the strongest/hardest orgasms with something up there.I have always identified as straight but now Im very curious and have to try sex with another man before im 30.It seems to be that a lot of men are quite insecure about this and I just wondered why? They could be missing out.
Visiting Boston - where to go?
Hi folksI'm visiting Boston for the first time from tuesday through thursday. Where to go, what to see and are there any gay bars which is open (and fun to go to) during weekdays? Hope for some tips and tricksLove The tourist from Denmark
Probably Gay, very Anxious
So Even thinking about writing this is telling me the answer, but I'll write it anywayI've been mildly anxious for as long as I can remember about the thought of being gay Growing up I'd always be like Nah I could never If I was that would suck What would I doGrowing up, my best mate came out as gay when we were 16, then I found out my closest cousin was a lesbian, and then one of my other best friends came out as a gay, and fast forward to 18 years old I met a friend online which lead to me meeting a whole group of gay people whom of which I became pretty close with. But it wasn't until I was 20 when I lost my virginity that the crippling anxiety started. I started casually seeing this girl after a bit of young history, and we had sex probably 6 times And I cut it off twice, mid way and more recently because it just didn't feel rightAnd ever since the day we first had sex my mind has just been a war field, and I feel like I've lost touch with everything, I feel like I'm incapable of feeling love for anyone, including my family, and I feel like that's a result of internalized homophobia, hating myself or the idea of me being gay / bisexualI came to terms with the fact that I'm gay/bisexual in the new year, but I still feel like i haven't come to terms with it, because my mind keeps feeding me all this dark & negative shit, equating being gay with being much worst thingsBut most of my friends, and my close cousin, all gay, I love sooooo much and could never think any less of them, but the idea of ME being gay Kinda crushes me And I hate that I feel this way But I feel like I'm stuck in this holeAnd I feel like if I were to come out to them (which I know would be safe, because they're gay so it obv can't go bad) they would wonder why I thought I was straight for so long (god that sounds ridiculous) and I know my family would be alright with it, it would probably take my parents a few days to be normal but I really am scared of those few days, they are quite open minded (I have my gay friends and cousin over all the time, they love them to death) but idk All the little gay jokes here and there in my fam scare the shit out of me even though they're not that bad, and I know my family would come aroundThis anxiety is just crippling I'm meeting up with my cousin soon And I can't wait to tell her Because I know I'll feel much betterBut at the same time I'm so death scared of itOn top of all this I still sexually am into girls so I feel like I'm bisexualBut the whole world tells me bisexual men don't exist and I know this is stereotype / not real But I can't convince myself and I hate itAnd I don't even know what the point of this post is anymoreI just needed to vent I guess 😞
I'm confused
I hope this is an appropriate place to post this in.I know I'm bisexual. I have came out to myself. But I still am somehow having doubts.I've recently had urges to push my sexuality, I've been sexually chatting with guys online, trying to for once in my life feel sexy. Tonight I tried snap chatting someone for the first time sexually. The experience was so hot to me but immediately after climaxing I felt this sense of sluggishness I guess. It's not shame but rather disappointment, then I thought that I would much rather have done this with a woman instead. The same thing happens when I watch gay porn. The act is insanely hot to me but it's not as satisfying in the end. How do I get past this feeling? I want to tell myself that it's alright and lust in it.I also have been fantasizing with meeting up with another guy, but I have no confidence in myself and I trust the honesty of the other guy. That's just me trying to stay safe and away from STDs. But I REALLY want to experience being with another guy. It has been this whole back and forth in my head.
I think my mom knows. Frightened and insecure.
I'm 19 years old and was visiting my parents over the weekend. I overheard a phone call of my mother talking to a friend. Basically she implied I was gay. Saying "I dont think he's interested in girls"Really freaked me the fuck out. Don't know how she'd know, never "acted" gay in my life. Really just made me feel worse than I'm already feeling. Just doesnt make sense, I didnt even know I was gay until last year. And I still have trouble trying to accept it.Most of that probably comes from self confidence problems started in high school, got teased a lot for looking feminine and skinny. And also even more ashamed of me being submissive. Just overall feel like a failure to my parents. I feel awful about everything at the moment.Although at the same time perhaps I am overthinking it? I am really busy lately and maybe she meant that I was too busy for girls right now.Help?
Help please !
So this is a really really long story that i am going to overly summarize, so please ask questions. But the basis of this is question is what the hell should i do because I'm getting so many mixed signals that i just don't know what to do.So it all starts back about a year ago, we started working together, and i would kinda notice him and we would work later in the night together but we didn't ever talk and i would notice him looking over at me... to time went on and we started talking very basic, (hey whats up, simple stuff.) So we added each other on Facebook before we really knew each other and we had light conversations usually about work, then we started to hang out and we became really close friends really quick like less then a summer break were best friends now it seems. But back to the story, so we started hanging out and a group decided to have a party so i went and he was there. and i would notice that he would stare at me a lot and he would dance and sing while also looking at me. so after that party i was like ummm maybe (and the "gaydar" was kinda going off before that, not that that is actually a thing). So i kinda asked around and it turned out all his friends think he's gay and he's bad with girls and has only has like 1 or 2 Girlfriends all very short lived. So we go to more parties together and talk and what not and i got kinda drunk at one party and sent a snapchat that literally said i wanted to hook up with you tonight. - no answer what so ever from him. saw him the next day he asked like nothing happened. So now I was like wtf and more time goes on and we went to the movies together (just us) and again nothing... but he let me go with just him and it seemed like he wanted to go. Now through out the time we still do little things like get lunch together here and there and with a group of friends plus other stuff, at work we take breaks together and everyone knows that it's like our thing to go together. So another party comes up and this time he's doing all the same things as before, the stares and the dancing and the singing and what not and he's kinda now tracking how much I'm drinking... So we get some lone time and he looks at me and says serious question are you gay cause you said you wanted to hook up with me... I was taken too back i said no, and for the rest of the night he was angry at me it seems and he hinted at me to leave the party. So i did and the next day i told him the truth and asked what he was and he said straight.OK so i wasn't convinced so more parties (he had a very small thing at his house once and it was me him and like 2 or 3 other people and it ended super early because he was kinda being annoying asking about gay stuff and i still wasn't comfortable talking about it cause i felt kinda forced out still at the time, I'm glad I'm sorta out now) and more stares and what not so i wanted to step up the anti a little and told him to make plans, cause i like when just the two of us do stuff together. so we went to the mall and then back to the house to drink together. and i was super touchy, hair arms and even his legs... we looked through the pictures on each others phones talked about family and stuff and he brings up all the old conversations we had. Plus other deep conversations. So after having him let me be so touchy I'm starting to wonder again. Now new years is coming and I'm thinking my place, originally it was going to be but then another person was having a party so i was like shit there goes the plans but originally we were still going to my place... and we talked about it too, so i went to pick him up and his parents are talking to me and ask who all will be at my place and i say i don't know, with that he announces that we are going to the other party with more people. (FUCK!) so I'm like damn whatever I'm still drinking... and 12am comes and we take a shot together because someone else was around i didn't want to try anything funny so the usual stuff happens at this party and near the end of the night he started to get a little angry idk why but he was and we all fell asleep. Time goes on small gathering here and there lunch some shopping and what not. then we have another party just us and we again are super touchy and just talking about deep stuff and he says his dad thinks he (the boy i like) might be "fucking gay because he's not bring girls over." and stuff like that so I'm kinda surprise and i feel bad now because I'm thinking he's putting a straight act on for his father and this party i played with his hair way more and touched his ears a little and was practically laying across his lap. plus if we sat together to watch something on one's phone we would lean against each other. So i kind a took his phone and searched Facebook and found that i was his top search... idk wth that could mean but i think good. we sleep on the couch together but not next to each other but he's not on a end he's in the middle and I'm squeezing together on an end to fit... hahah. so we were originally going to get breakfast but his father called and we had to get him home soonish... so we got ready and i drove him home we stoped at a few stores the way home. and then more parties and more stares and more touchiness from both me and him...so idk what to think he says he's straight yet i don't believe him especially when he lets me touch him all over the place, he's seen me look and stare at his private at parties and doesn't say anything, hell make sexual references jokes. we both laugh at everything each other say and we just get alone so god damn well. i just don't know what to do and I'm too nervous to attempt to hook up (kiss) because I'm afraid that if he doesn't like it then hell have no way to leave and i do not want him to feel trapped. there are stories about him kissing boys but only like tap kisses.I just don't know what to do or think and idk like I'm still new to this whole thing so when people tell me to just go for it my body still wants to live the lie i told myself to live and it doesn't feel right to kiss yet i get that weird feeling that i probably should try... if that makes any sense at all. Its not a secret that i like this boy and everyone seems to know it... i just don't know if i should believe him or if i should try something and if so what and how.... plzzzz help me solve this ultimate mind fuck.sorry for some language. and thank you all so much
Whispers of my sexuality
To mum.Recently, I’ve discovered that you've been defending me. I’ve been completely oblivious to the threat that you've been protecting me against. I knew you hated Rebecca, but I had no idea it was over this. I had an inkling that people were talking about me. It was obvious. Not paranoia. I don’t usually jump at my name every time it’s spoken. Usually I couldn’t care, but I saw a pattern, and I knew it was happening. But now I know for sure. I just didn’t realise how serious it was. I thought people were speculating and just talking about me inquisitively behind my back, I didn’t realise you were actually under attack mum, for who I am. Now I feel even more guilty. You're defending the sexuality of a boy who hasn’t even told you he’s gay yet. Isn’t it terrifically saddening how society demands such answers from people who don’t even know who they are, when it’s none of their business to begin with. They have no reason to know, and yet they push and push until the person breaks. I hate people like that. No hate is an understatement. I loathe people like that. Rebecca. I loathe you, I thoroughly undyingly loathe you now. I don’t understand how you can be so bitter, jealous and judgemental.Am I really expected to forgive everyone. Every single person out there who condemns me and mocks me and laughs at me and calls me a faggot, am I really expected to forgive them all? All of them? Why do I have to be civilised and kind and moral all the time when there’s so many idiots out there. Ignorant people who think I chose this lifestyle. Why do people still think it’s a choice? I don’t want this. If I had the option of being straight and falling in love with a girl I would, but unfortunately, I just can’t do it. The only choice I get is whether I want to be happy and honest in life or miserable. Do you really think I don’t want to raise a family. I’d love to have kids, but I don’t want to raise kids, in love with the idea of love, having no true feelings to the mother of my children. I don’t want to live in a septic synthetic life of lies. I want to be happy, that’s all. But you don’t understand.The worst thing is that people have the impression that I’m weak and a pansy. If I was big and tough, I’d love to use my strength and violence against them, punish them for their words. No. The voices in my head are telling me how childish that is, how you are intelligent, and intelligent people don’t resort to violence. Well then how am I supposed to stand up for myself. How? Do I just take the words when someone calls me a poofter and a faggot and a disgrace?Sometimes it hits me unexpectedly. I’d be thinking I was safe, in my mums car, driving with her to Westfield shopping centre, when I’m hit with the words: “Rebecca’s son is gay and he never came out to his mother... " to then look at me with inquisitive suspicion. I was so slapped with the suddenness of the statement that all I could do was sit there in silence, knowing that she knew and too ashamed to say anything about it. Now she’s dealing with the burns from the flame of my warped sexuality. She’s colder now, her shell is thicker, harder, she’s contemplative and charred on the outside. I never even came out to her, but she knows. I feel her indifference. I feel like she’s dealing with the loss of someone who is still alive yet departed. She looks at me as if I have already died.Is it wrong for me to feel so unwilling to come out to her formally, even though she not only knows I’m gay, but is defending my very dignity before all her friends? Is it wrong for me to still feel ashamed to say those words? "I’m gay mum." I guess I owe it to her, don’t I? I hate the word gay and the stigma attached to it let alone come out, but I guess I owe it to her. But somehow I feel it will only make things worse.I want her love. That’s all I want. I wish she made it easier for me by talking to me first, by making the first move. Why do I always have to be the stronger one and approach her. I don’t want to accept that I’m gay. Bisexual, maybe, but not gay. I don’t relate with a gay, I consider myself in the day, in the field of people's eyes, a straight male.It’s so confusing and frustrating and consuming. What do I do? Obviously the answer is to come out to you mum. Well if it’s so obviously the answer, then why is it so hard for me to do it? Am I a coward for not coming out? I honestly feel like it's the right decision not to. That's she'd be more content with me if I was straight. I made the affirmation to myself already, if I knew it was the right thing to do, if I was truly certain it would be the ultimate solution, I would do it. I would. It would be difficult but I’d do it, just like I bungee jumped off the sky tower in Auckland. I didn’t want to, but I did it. I did it to prove that I had balls, that I was still courageous enough to do the things that some straight people couldn’t, that in some sense, I was still a man inside. Perhaps more a man than some. But all this is superficial. Strength is not how big you look or how straight you are or how many buildings you jump off. Strength is the ability to keep going even though everyone criticises you and pulls you down. Strength is the force that pushes you forward when all you want to do is cry and give up on the stairs of the railway station headed to another meaningless day at uni alone. Strength is the belief in yourself that you’re intrinsically special regardless of all those who no longer want to be around you because they can’t relate with a gay. Strength is mental and it’s within. The strength to go on and to be happy when the whole world wants you sad. I have no idea what to do most days, I am so lost and afraid and alone, but it is the strength of my heart saying one day, maybe you’ll look back and wonder why you ever felt depressed at all in the first place. Yes, I want kids. Yes, I’m in love with the idea of kissing a girl on the lips, touching her body and seeing nothing but her, hand in hand. I’d love that, but I’d be lying to myself when I know my fantasies are with a guy. The internal conflict going on inside me kills me. Everything seems to be screaming at me that it’s wrong, but my body yearns for it. I hate that I love him. I hate it. I hate that I am in love with another man.The pain and internal torment I deal with every single day of my life is far more terrifying and heavy than some meaningless jump that lasts a few seconds off a 200 m building. I don't think I'm a coward for not coming out to my mum. I don’t. I think she doesn't deserve to know. The way she puts down those “faggots” without concern is depressing. It’s not too hard to imagine her calling me a faggot when we’re arguing. She already says, “don’t answer back, only gays answer back.” She can’t stand my gay acting director and that gay vocal coach or that gay musician. She tolerates anyone with an effeminate accent. And gay marriage isn't a conversation to be exchanged, period. Or maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m just trying to affirm this non-truth in my head, when really, she’s willing to have this conversation, and I’m just holding it off. Maybe, while she doesn’t support gay marriage because of the children’s right to a mother and a father, perhaps she will still accept me as her gay son? I’m so confused and ashamed and uncertain. I feel like it's the right decision to keep silent, but I don't know. She already knows, so why not let her mourn, why not give her the chance to know for sure, why not let her in on the secret. The fact that she still cooks for me and shows me some love at all while she knows of my homosexuality is an acceptance in itself. Let her in, let her learn to love you again. Let her take some of your weight away. Explain to her the torment you feel and maybe she’ll understand, maybe she’ll sympathise now that it’s her own son and not some homosexual on the TV. Perhaps she’ll learn to forgive me and even discover the hardship that most gays have to endure learning to love themselves. Maybe I’m denying her the chance to be educated on how much gays suffer.I just want you back mum. That’s all I really want. And if by coming out to you officially is the answer… I don’t know. I don’t want to, I really don’t want to, but I guess, I should. It’s not the conversation that frightens me. Saying I’m gay is just two words. It doesn’t frighten me. What frightens me is if I’m wrong, and I lose you. I lose you, my mother. I lose your love and time and companionship and affection that I once had, even though even now, it is dwindlingWhat should I do?I've never even acted on my sexuality. I’ve never even acted on my thoughts of kissing that cute boy and running my hands over his body. I couldn't because I'm too ashamed of it. I absorb all this pain and hatred from my "friends" and "family" for who I am, and yet, I've not even explored myself sexually because I'm too horrified by the very concept of succumbing to my desires.I can't blame Rebecca for it, or Mitch, or Alex, or anyone who discards me, as the truth was always bound to come out eventually, but that doesn't mean I can't hate them for talking about me behind my back, for spreading rumours and leaving me to isolation. These people are the plague of society. But, I don’t want to hate them. It’s a form of protecting myself. Deep down, I miss them.What proof did she have anyway? I had a relationship with a girl as a cover. I look straight, I work out every day. Not because I want to lie to myself because I’m in denial of my sexuality, I’m definitely not in denial, I just don’t want to lose anybody anymore. I don’t want to be alone. I miss people.Yes I’m into music theatre but that doesn’t necessarily mean I’m gay does it? Okay, I it does… But, these people are so arrogant enough to say they "know" me when they don’t even have the decency to have a conversation with me. As if being gay is my whole identity and personality. These people feel proud enough to talk about me behind my back and laugh and mock me that I love balls in my mouth, when they don’t even have the time and respect to speak to me, to even get to know me. Society is a reflection of the plague that is in me.I love you mum. Remember that through all this hardship that you’re enduring on my behalf, I love you so much. Always remember that, sometimes I wish I weren't gay just so that you wouldn’t be hurting and punished for it so much, but I don’t mind it anymore, it’s not so bad being gay. The knives don't hurt as much as they used to. It’s shaped me to who I am today. If it wasn’t for my sexuality, I wouldn’t be the talented and forgiving person I am now. Only outsiders condemn me because they don’t understand. But it hurts me to see you in pain. I don’t want you to defend me. I don’t see why you have to do that. You shouldn’t have to deal with that. Why are people attacking you in the first place just because the sexuality of your son is different to every one else? Can’t people grow up? I’m not a murderer. I’m just gay, but you make it seem like it’s the same thing. I even look straight. I blend in with every other straight man, because I thought it would be easier if I at least behaved masculine. At least that way, I could take pride in the facade that I am. At least that way I could relate to the person standing before me in the mirror. But I do love my insides too now. Society doesn’t. But I do. I think I finally do. I think I've finally accepted myself.I love myself, I love every bit of myself. I love the sensations I feel when I see other guys my age. I don’t feel ashamed anymore. I don’t feel so scared that I just want to hide under all the darkness of the world and die. I feel like I’m crawling out of my shell for the first time in my entire life since I was thirteen and threatened with that shocking realisation... for the first time, I feel like I can breathe now for once. I do love myself. I just wish my family could see me the same way I see myself and love me too.Anyway mum, I love you, don’t forget that, and I always will. I’m sorry, not on behalf of myself, but on behalf to you. I am sorry for your loss, for the loss of the conception of a family and a possible wife. I’m sorry for being different and special and unique. I’m sorry for not conforming to the beautiful ideal weddings that everyone else shares and celebrates and remembers. I’m sorry for the kids that I will never have but will yearn for every day. I love kids. I’d love having kids and being a father, and I’m sorry that if I ever had kids, it would be the romantic archetypal love that you are so familiar with. I don’t want to live in darkness and secrecy anymore, so I’m sorry for that decision. I’m sorry for freeing myself from the restriction of these bars and chains, the bars of society. I hope though, that you will recognise that I am happier this way. I just want to be honest is all. I don’t want to be gay, I just want to be honest. And I love you mum; infinity.Love John
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