I heard my crush had sex with a girl next door. It hurts.

It is a steady, rhythmic sound of mattress squeaking. The frequency increases with moaning coming through the dormitory wall.I am in bed, staring at the ceiling.I think about his eyes, his curly hair, his beard - even the way he speaks English with a Danish accent...Then comes a loud bump on the wall. Chairs dragged across the floor. Objects shoved over the desk. A steady sound of something hitting against the desk over and over again.She is panting. He is moaning. I had never heard him being so vulnerable before."Urghhh," a male grunt comes through the wall.The image of his naked body intertwining with a woman intrudes my mind. He sounds ecstatic, primal, satisfied.A few minutes later I go to the common kitchen. He is having dinner with her - like nothing happened.She is blond and curvy, a German beauty. She invites me to have soup together. I politely decline.I can not be angry at her. She does not intend to cause me harm. She could not have known.He looks tamed, composed, full of life - like an animal tired from mating.He has always been kind to me. I wonder what he is thinking.I sleep in the kitchen. I can not go back to my room that night.I am happy for him, I really am. I can even be happy for her.Had it been another lifetime I might know how to better love him.But not this lifetime.It's not like I asked to be this way.