I don't accept my self as gay

Hello guys first of all I'm 22-year-old and I'm  Arabic and I'm not "muslim" I live in Dubai I meant the religion is not the problem just to let you know no "racism" about that let's start ):  I'm actually gay and I don't accept my self as gay I don't accept the idea of being gay it's hard to say and it's hard to hide it I'm not just scared of my self but I'm scared of the people friends family I think the big issue is in society you can't imagine how they think about gays I didn't choose to be gay I don't want to be gay it's not my fault but after all no escape from reality just I want any advises from you experience what should I do. The second problem is I'm only attracted to older man 45+ specially gray hair so is it weird  do I have a daddy issue or some thing else  bytheway my dad was a bad guy I hate him so much Tough and harsh childhood with him and many other thing I don't wanna remember itThe third problem is I'm so depressed from A long time no happy memories Almost suicidal I think falling in love with someone could be the solution for this suffering thank you guys so mush.