Walk a lonely road

Hai all, thanks for coming by. I... I dont know exactly how to phrase this to sound good so im just going to blurt stuff out and hopefully be articulate. My ex broke up with me about 6 months ago. When they did they said a lot of hurtful stuff that i still havent really acknowlged. I guess thats what this is; my way of acknowledging it so I can move on.When it happened they said a lot of confusing things. Out of nowhere they said they were leaving me for my own good. They told me they wanted to set me "free". Then they told me they never loved me (3 years!) And that I was an underachiever. At one point after the initial breakup they said "can you really blame me? I mean go look in a mirror and tell me you would date you". That hurt most of all because over the 3 years we were together my hair fell out and my acne got worse. Im 27 and i confided in them as my significant other that i felt too young to be bald and too old to be acne ridden. Add to that im 6'1 and only 170lbs, so i see their point, i am really wierd looking. Tbh even before acne and hairloss i always hated how i looked. My lips are too red for a boy and i chew my lower lip when im nervous, which is all the time. I lost half my left eyebrow to a scar from when i was little so my face has terrible semetry that no amount of eyebrow plucking could fix... And a million other details that leave me depressed around anything reflective. On top of all this i really like being a bottom/sub but ive always been with people shorter than me (only had 2 partners in my life) who i guess think height equates to dominance. I think my ex was dissatisfied that I wouldnt take control more. Ok now im rambling.Anyway it was over and to be honest it wasnt as hard of a transition as it could have been. My ex was really mean to me throughout our relationship. They always criticised me and insulted me and always wanted me to give them back massages and head and cook them food, but i think the most they ever did was buy me a T-shirt unexpectedly. But despite this I cant seem to get back out there. Every time i think about getting dressed and going to a club (im very quiet and introverted so its really not my kinda place anyway) or talk to someone I find attractive (even if im sure they like guys) i catch a wry glimpse in a mirror and think "No, id better not. Ill just make a fool of myself again".Part of me is willing to accept just throwing in the towel and being a loner (which i kinda always was anyway). The other part of me wakes up in the middle of the night and cries because im not a valued comodity and nobody would really want to have me. Most of the time im fine. I think my brain decided enoughs enough after this latest heartbreak and shut down most of my emotions. Im numb most of the time and can get by by smiling at people and acting like everything is exactly how i want it to be. But every now and then, like this past weekend, its like someone flipped a switch on and all the despair and self hatred comes flooding back. And not jist from my ex but my deceased mom and nana, my failed career choices and.... Everything.Well, i think thats it. I could rant and rave and complain and cry for another 50 pages and still not be done but i think this about sums up my feelings. I know its pathetic, which is why i wrote it; to see how stupid it all is. I shouldnt even care about relationships. I should just focus on getting a decent job and fixing all the other messed up parts of my life. Its just really hard to motivate myself when i feel like the broken toy that shouldnt have made it off the assembly line.Thank you to those of you who stuck around. I just needed to say this stuff "out loud" and make it real so i can try and figure out what to do with myself. I hope you all dont have to ever feel this way and that you have lots of people who love you to death. I dont want anyone else to ever feel ugly and unlovable like this.