Stream of Consciousness

On this subreddit, I've been reading all these messages of hate and violence while being balanced with love, hope and happiness. I envy you all. I cannot seem to feel for others in this way. I know have empathy. I'm no psycho yet i feel like i can never really trust anyone with my heart. Science says I'm somewhat finishing my hormonal phases due to my age. Religion says i am done for. I say, "i don't know." I'm not sure if i can face anything. Confidence isn't my thing and apparently coherent sentences. Writing in the wee hours when i'm stressed with work really takes a toll on me.I am Asian. I am gay. I am busy. I am sad. I am lonely. And i am fake. I hate it. I hate myself or not being who I want to be. I hate. I despise. I am corrupt. I am evil. I am unworthy of love. I lack attention. Maybe i'm just a narcissistic asshole who just needs to get over myself.I want love. But do i deserve it? My father said I won't get what I don't deserve. Maybe he's right. I need to change yet change is hard. Intense bouts of sadness and bandaid smiles, take me now.I live a double life of sadness and joy. Truth and lie. Family and friends. School and work. And the there's me. I am encompassed by all yet accepted by none. Am i really? Maybe i'm just imagining things. Suicide? Na. You've got people to see and the world to travel. Drugs? Idiot. No. Sex? Maybe. He cute? Likes asians? Yay! 50?! Well..uhm. ok.I am deinfinitely crazyThese are some of the thoughts that bug me throughout my life. Finding a partner who is like me is next to impossible. I'm possible mentally unstable by choice or by genetics. I can almost enjoy death and blood yet adore life and light. Is there something wrong with me? Why isn't there a mathematical proof or equation that will move me and supposed partner closer together?