I'm in a Shell.

I remembered when I was young, I saw my brothers looking into the mirror, toying with their hair for minutes and minutes. It struck me with a question. Why?I told myself I won't end up like them. "A waste of time" I said to myself.But look at me now. As vain as I could be. All I could care was presenting myself adequately. I have to be neat and groomed. Even when buying groceries, sometimes at least.Getting a fit when I could not find the right clothing to wear to a certain occasion. Every single time.Every single time, I look myself in the mirror, to groom and style my hair, before going out, taking at least 30 minutes. Well that's how I was late for my school and events.Im just obsessed with my looks. It has to be "perfect". I asked myself, how and why, I ended up like this. And I clearly knew the answer.All along I knew that I'm gay. At a point of my young age, looks didn't matter to me. However, it all changes when I felt infatuated. They are always the looks. A source of physical attraction."But how do I get them to like me?" I thought. The answer was the way I got infatuated. And that is with looks.But I felt so ugly. Every single thing about me are ugly. I looked myself in the mirror, and asked "Why do I have these genes". I envy people who are blessed with good looks, while people flocking all around them. And then when I look at myself, I'm a nobody.Nobody complimented me. No one. For all the efforts I put into my looks. No. I denied those compliments. I believed I was too ugly.I fished for compliments, but they were never enough. It's because they never complimented me. It was someone else. The fake me. Words thrown to me were to my shell where my real self is hiding.