Tough week

I might delete this. I'm 25, and 2 of my close friends seem to be struggling to come out. One of them, I am realizing that I've been in love with him for 8 years. Our friendship has been odd, I think we all kind of fed off each others repression. Deflecting and negating thoughts of each other by enforcing almost caricatures of heterosexual men for ourselves. It has caused us some amount of psychological harm or discomfort over the years.One of the friends, we'll call him M. Ive known him for 8 years and shown him the love and respect he deserved for every second. M and I got into an argument recently and he attacked me. He beat me in his house in front of other friends, and dragged me out of the house by my hair. I've realized I must have been in love with him because I was actually struggling with the idea of cutting him out of my life. I am remembering every instance of abuse or manipulation I've watched him commit against other people, and recognizing how much it hurt me to watch and be complicit in my silence. I am afraid of M now. He is jealous and more monstrously sick than I could have imagined.Now Z, I still love. He tried to come out to me this year but we were on acid and I responded clumsily. I have legitimately fantasized about traveling with Z, fucking him, being alone with him.... I want to bring the subject up again but last time I tried he acted like he had no idea what I was talking about. I've never done anything remotely sexual with Z (or any male friend).I haven't told Z what M did to me. He might have heard. I don't know. I'm afraid that I will lose both of them and that I'll be portrayed to our friends as trying to turn against M. He is so powerfully influential, I can imagine it happening.Now, on the home front, I'm recognizing to myself that I'm bisexual. My father (whom I currently live with) must have picked up on this in some way that I didn't realize. OR he recognized independently, because my dad is gay. My step mom told me this. She seems legitimately unhappy with him, and if you ask me how he has been acting, I would say possibly suicidal. He gave me the most fragile smile I've ever seen today. This is his third marriage. Happy Thanksgiving.