Unsure if I have HOCD or if I'm gay

I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right place. As the title suggests, I'm discussing my potential HOCD, but I feel that if I put this post in a place specifically for that, I may just get reassurance from people that I do in fact have HOCD, and I think what I need is honest opinions from people in and beyond that realm.So to begin my long post, I'm a 24 year old guy and I'm very unsure if I'm gay or suffering from HOCD. Here's my story...I can remember from the the age of about 6, playing a WWE video game at a friends house and getting turned on by the girl wrestlers. I remember fantasizing about them for weeks. I also remember from around those times fantasizing about my friends old sister and her friends. I even (admittedly) remember having fantasies about my own sisters. During the Olympics one summer, me and my best friend would fantasize about sleeping with all the gymnastics girls, and I had a big time crush on Carly Patterson. I don't remember ever having fantasies about guys at all. My first questions comes here.. would/could a gay person have these types of experiences at this young age? Is it something that many guys undergo, even those who turn out not liking women? Is it just part of our self discovery?Fast forward in my life. I can think of a few distinct times that brought my sexuality to my attention. About 8 years old, a school bully called me gay in front of a lot of people. At the time I didn't even know what it meant to be gay. 11 years old, another bullyish type kid kept asking if I was gay until I turned around and yelled at him that I wasn't. 14 years old, at summer camp, I said to my friend that if I beat him at basketball he had to give me a blowjob (I was trying to sound cool, thinking of how rappers would say things like "suck my dick" to people and stuff; I know, dumb). This backfired and everyone at camp was asking me if I was gay for the rest of the week, and I was miserable and just wanted to leave for the rest of the time there. In high school, we had a school assembly where we had gay/trans guest speakers come in and talk about their experiences and such, and how one of them hadn't realized until college. I remember being terrified for the next few days (and it lingered on my mind long term). That I would have to get through college before knowing for sure I wasn't gay. Someone in the assembly also said they always knew they were gay deep down, always felt different from other kids. The fact is I had grown up feeling different from other kids. Sometimes I felt like an outsider. By high school I found it easier to become friends with girls than guys. I was very shy and quiet until about age 12. I was very naive in a lot of ways and grew up quite sheltered. This made me wonder if I had always known I was gay too.I grew up afraid of being gay. Disliking gay people, separating myself from gay people. One time I mentioned I was homophobic and a friend told me homophobic people were just scared that they themselves were gay (which was true but made me question it more). I remember going through periods where I didn't want to wear anything or act in a way that seemed gay, and even asking reassurance when buying clothes to ask if things made me look gay. I even remember telling myself that if I was gay, I would never reveal it and would pretend to be straight my whole life.So for much of my life, continuing beyond these incidences, I had the fear/thought that I could be gay. Something that seemed to linger in the back of my mind at all times.But for the most part I just got on with my life. I had girlfriends, including a several year relationship, and hooked up with plenty of girls. I had fantasies about having threesomes with my girlfriend and her sister/her friends, and had "forbidden" crushes on girls while having a girlfriend. I don't remember ever wanting to hook up with guys or anything, but I wonder if I had just found a way to block these thoughts from myself. I will say that I always had doubts in my relationships. Like my feelings weren't quite genuine. I've always almost "needed help" deciding whether girls around me/girls I've dated are actually attractive. I'm not sure if this is just doubt (I certainly suffer from anxiety and some Pure OCD), or maybe something to do with how I've been watching porn for a really long time, probably in an addictive, excessive fashion, and maybe my standards for the girls I would sleep with were high because of the girls I so frequently watched in porn. Or maybe its just that I struggled to determine my attractiveness to a girl because I'm actually gay.There were two times in college where my fears about being gay really spiked. Both happened after being bedridden from surgery. The first, I was watching an episode of a crime tv show, where the perpetrator was secretly gay but was killing gay people, and this sparked this increase in my fear that I was gay. About a year later, after another surgery I was just alone on the couch for most of my time watching the world cup, and I began stressing that I was maybe sexually attracted to some of the players. I should note that I was also irrationally stressing about other stuff, like how I wasn't fully paying attention to games, so I wasn't fully immersing myself in the world cup (this I know was just ridiculous). Anyways, this period triggered was has now been two and a half years of doubt, fears, and constant thought that I could be gay. Right after this incident, I moved away from home, away from my friends and family and my girlfriend, to a place where I didn't really know anyone and spent about a month essentially completely alone. In this time I was left with nothing but my mind, and I spent most of that time questioning my sexuality. Finally after about 6 weeks, I typed into Google "fear of being gay", and low and behold all of this stuff came up about HOCD. I read through an article on HOCD and found so many characteristics of HOCD that I could related to.. the constant self checking, the visualizing gay situations to see if I got any sensations, the separation from friends in fear that they might be gay, or that I would want to/wouldn't be able to stop myself from doing something gay with them. It was like instant relief. I still feared that I could be gay, but now I had a good potential explanation, something that seemed to fit me very well. I was safe again. I finally opened up to the two people I was closest with, my mother and my girlfriend. Both said they had never seen me show any signs that I was gay, which was big for reassurance for me, but both said if I was gay they would obviously support me and everything. For the next few months I was about to counter any obsessions about being gay by saying to myself "I'm not gay, I have HOCD". I started taking a very high dose of Zoloft (progressing up to 400mg) as well as lamotrigine, in order to help with these issues as well as other issues I had with anxiety and stuff. I made several attempts to get counseling/therapy, but they never lasted. A big this was I was scared I would go to a counselor and they would think/I would realize that I wasn't suffering from OCD, but was actually gay. I tried to make it clear when I started seeing someone that I did have other signs of OCD (which I had never been specifically diagnosed with before, but various counselors/psychiatrists saw it as likely I had some form of OCD in addition to my clear anxiety issues). The last attempt I made to see a counselor was with a PhD psychology program, where you get assigned a PhD student to work with. I was assigned a guy who I was farely sure was gay, and when I told him about my thoughts of having HOCD, he asked things like whether I could just be gay actually. I wasn't able to get myself to follow up with seeing him. So for much of the past few years, I struggled with these thoughts to various degrees, sometimes really bad, sometimes not as bad. A few months ago, I moved again, closer to home. I had to leave my old psychiatrist, and in stead of finding a new one, I made the decision to ween off my meds and tip my leftovers down the toilet. I loved the feeling of not being dependent and didn't actually notice much change for over a month. Then the thoughts of being gay sky rocketed. And for the past two or so months have been worse than ever. I took this online quiz that gives some insight as to whether you might have HOCD, and this quiz said it was extremely likely I was suffering from it. But that wasn't enough to stop me freaking out. I'm not sure if its because of how much it started becoming a present factor in my life, but now it isn't me just questioning my sexuality when certain cues spark the obsessions, its just constantly on my mind all the time and I never ever get any break from it. (Side note:During this time, I had a tough emotional blow, where my ex gf, who I thought I'd be getting back together with, decided she doesn't want to get back together and is now seeing someone else.) I can't look at a girl without thinking I don't actually find her attractive, and often have the opposite thoughts when seeing guys. Interestingly, I find myself sometimes doubting my attraction to girls and thinking I'm gay, then realizing that I obviously am attracted to girls (mostly based on the fantasies from my childhood since those seem like the hardest forms of "evidence") and thinking I must be bi. This seems pretty characteristic of HOCD. But I've started to realize the amount of crossover between how someone actually gay and someone with HOCD experience all these things. At one point I thought maybe I should just try being gay, or try something with a guy, and just see, and at the time, I almost felt relaxed and excited about this idea, then freaked out again and tried to push the thoughts out of my mind. A few days ago, I had this thought process: maybe its not the HOCD causing me all this suffering, maybe I actually just want to realize I am gay and all this suffering is from me using HOCD in a way that prevents me from coming out as who I really am. Again, I felt some sort of relief at this. I'm not sure if that's because I seemed to find a solution that temporarily relieved me from the constant suffering and that solution isn't a real one because it really is HOCD, or if in fact this is a real solution, and I am in fact gay. I also decided I shouldn't be trying to determine my sexuality on how I acted as a kid but as how I feel in the present. At this time, I had the thought process of "I think I am actually be gay, and I think I've known that my whole life. That's why I've always had these fears and doubts. Maybe this whole HOCD stuff was an excuse, something that fit my situation pretty well and allowed me to stay in denial." It was like I came to terms with the fact that I'm gay. In stead of fearing actually being gay, I started fearing how being gay and coming out would change my life. How I'd have to tell my family and my friends. This was all such a drastic change from what I've experienced for so long, but it just seemed to fit. Now I've spent the last 36 hours or so since these thoughts in a sort of isolated and depressed state. I want to just be asleep the whole time so I don't have to face this stuff. I don't want to be around people. I can't really talk to the girl I've been hooking up with for a while. I'm not sure if this is all because of the shock of the realization that I'm gay and me still not fully accepting it. I still have the desperate hope that I'm not gay. It seems like a mostly lost hope, but its still there. I don't want to be gay (now I'm just not sure if I don't want to because of how coming out will change my life, or if I don't want to because I'm not(which is what I want it to be)). I've never wanted to be gay. But now I feel like I am. I'm hoping this is just some next level my OCD has taken on, some all controlling doubt or fear, but I just don't know and find myself not thinking it is.I know this is a ridiculously long post. I'm hoping some people out there will read the whole thing and can give me their two cents on it. I'm not looking for a hard answer, just people's opinions I guess. I'm interested in what people have to say from a psycholgical, HOCD standpoint. I'm also interested in hearing from people who are gay, and hear their thoughts on whether they can relate to this process of coming out, or if it just doesn't make sense for me to be gay. Any and all comments would be great. Thanks in advance.