I need you to be blunt with me reddit.

Before I give you my back story I need you guys to tell me what YOU think I am or whatever you would like to call it. I am 21 years old, male, and 'sort of' confused with my sexuality. I was hoping you guys could give me the most brutally honest answer.This is going to be long so brace yourselves.I don't know where to start so I'm sorry if this seems like a cluster fuck. Ok, like I said I am 21 years old, male, and have always been unsure of where I stand on the "gay" scale.Some of you might laugh and say “well duh you’re gay” Others might say “no dude you’re just going through a phase. I am always afraid of the latter, and that I’ll grow out of this whole thing when I get older. Thats my main reason for not telling anyone about this. I don’t lan on coming out anytime soon. especially while I’ going to college on my parents buck.So lets just dive right in. Since around 5th grade? I’ve had sexual feelings for people. I always hung out with the older kids so its no surprise that I saw my first porno at a rather young age. It was straight porn and I was turned on by it. From there I was jerkin it to girls because, well, thats what I’m suppose to do. A little after that I noticed myself thinking about male classmates of mine. I can’t tell if this is just a fetish that turned me and that if I had the opportunity to do it I wouldn’t, or if my real sexual urges were emerging. I always went back and forth and would ALWAYS feel guilty about it after. Once I was in the 7th grade, girls started hooking up with guys and I was no stranger to that.I had experimented with a few buddies (handy stuff) and I remember REALLY liking it. And after I only felt guilty if anyone found out.Within my friend group Ive always been seen as the "ladies man" but I believe that has its own hidden reason. From 7th grade to my senior year of high school I had LOTS and LOTS of sex with girls, and never had a problem talking to them. But what was strange was that I always felt weird and awkward after doing it, and have an irrational fear of getting one of them pregnant because (this might sound shallow) then I would be stuck with them and not someone I actually like. But the ‘gay’ thoughts I was having didn’t go away and, in a way, got stronger.I was hooking up with girls, and fantazing about boys when I was alone. I always saw girls as sexy or beautiful, but its more in an artistic way like they could be in a painting.(if that doesn’t pretentious enough) I see them as “a piece of meat” rather than love or however you want to interpret that. (I know that sounds extremely arrogant, but I really don’t mean for it to)So when I hooked up with girls, It was almost like i enjoyed the chase of getting girls. OR that I was so sexually frustrated with not getting ‘my type’ that I just settled for girls. I’ve never been picky about looks and to be honest they all seem very similar to me, looks and all.However, I have always been romantically attracted to guys but am extremely picky when it comes to who I find attractive. Once I find one I like I fall head over heels for them. I’ve had wet dreams about both, but wayyy more about guys, and the ones about guys are always so romantic and beautiful that I wake up the next day in awe of how ‘magical’ the event was. With girls (which I’ve probably have had 4 tops) the dreams are usually quick sex and nothing more. I wake up hard and in need of jerkin but usually still think about guys most of the time. Maybe I’m just dreaming of my past experiences. I have always blocked out my thoughts as soon as I finish and go on with my day, but since my junior-senior year Its been harder and harder to block it out.Throughout high school I had about 3 girlfriends, but our relationship lasted around 3 weeks tops. I just got bored and didn’t want to see them anymore. I live in a house of girls (besides the pops) so I respect them, I just couldn’t date one longer than a few weeks. I feel like now is a good time to say that my family isn’t too fond of the homosexuals.Its senior year and by now i’m mostly watching gay porn and switching to girls back and forth. This was my most sexually active time so far, and like I said earlier, I didn’t have a problem ‘getting some.’ I sometimes think I was trying to like it if that makes any sense. Once I got to college, however, It was mostly fantasizing about guys. especially one kid in my history class. This really worried me when it came to the whole phase thing because I’ve always heard that college is a prime time where guys experiment with each other.The phase thing is my main concern. For one, I have always found guys my age attractive only. Exceptions for some at the most 2 years younger and 2 years older. This scale has followed me my whole life. When I 16 it was 14-15 or 17-18. But MOSTLY my age. almost exclusively. So right now I’m 21, so the scale is around 18-23 i’d say. I’m worried I’ll grow up and not find older men my age attractive because right now, I defintly don’t. When it comes to older women, I view them in a similar light as girls my age. Just attractive. I’m not dying to have sex with them, But I also don’t find them gross. I just see them as, well, women. To sum that^ up, I never fantasize about older people.Ok almost done!By now I am 21 years old and I pretty much only think about guys. If I’m drunk at a party and feeling sexual, I’ll have sex with anyone that wants to. Knowing that I probably can’t go home with a guy in front of my friends, its basically always girl. I usually get bored within 10 minutes. But like I said earlier, I never feel good about myself after.I have found so many guys on campus attractive these past few years that it caused me to write this. and not just attractive, but hold me in your arms attractive…. Deep down I feel like I know the answer, but I am so worried about the phase thing, and that I’ll soon be attracted to girls in a more emotional way and lose my fantasies and emotional connection to guys. Have any of you guys struggled with this?I’m looking for your judgment on this, and I know the usual answer for these things is “only you know.” I get that but an outsiders point of view would be really helpful. I know to some people that its a scale of gayness. You mostly like this but you also enjoy this, but I just don’t know. I feel like I like one exclusively.I’m just looking for reddit opinion on this, and thought you guys would be the best to ask.TLDR: Basically, if I have these strong feelings for guys, but still have had sex with girls and have found some of them sexually attractive but not emotionally in anyway. I have had a few girlfriends but felt almost nothing from it. I don’t find them repulsive, just… I really don’t know.The “its just a phase” really freaks me out because I don’t know if all of the sudden I won’t find guys my age attractive once I get older. Is this just a fetish, phase, etc???Edit: Please ask as many questions as you want. I'm sure I missed some things or am just terrible at writing that no one knows what the hell I'm talking about.