My annoying story.

Have a lot on my mind. I'm new to reddit but let me say that I hate my life lol. Dads an alcoholic, undecided major in community college for the upcoming 4th year, i'm a closeted bisexual but i don't like to have gay thoughts, my "friends" are dicks...etc. I suck so bad in school i think of a major but i don't want to take a certain class bc I'm too scared to fail lm not good at critical thinking, reading, and listening skills I think i have adhd correction: i know i have it. my dad doesn't believe in it bc he's a "stubborn mexican" he was really cruel in my younger years. he's the only one in this world that makes me cry or want to kill myself. He treated my sisters way better than he did me. I'm really scrambled rn but this is exactly whats running through my mind at the moment. I feel really small rn btw.Okay. so...I guess I've always known i was gay; in elementary school i really liked girls and had "girlfriends." Junior high; i had girlfriends also, only kissed them tho. but i had feelings for the dudes in school (students,friends, teachers, and guys in the real world). People would ask me if i was gay but i'd deny. never made fun of for it tho. i played sports in JH so i fit in with the popular kids but i always hung out with girls. High school i lost my virginity to a man through grindr who was 40 i was 16(freshman year?). Didn't have girlfriends through out high school but lost my other virginity to a friend at a party. She was really drunk (not rape). We're still cool friends today. But i couldn't get hard. i was fucking her with a limp dick. i honestly think i wasn't interested bc she's not cute lol. but senior year, parties, woo! had a thing with some hot wrestler chick at these parties, we made out a lot but was to afraid to have sex with her bc i was scared i wouldn't be able to get hard. one of the last parties a guy came on to me in the backyard stroking my dick through my clothes. i was talking to some girl at work at this time, so i didn't do anything with him i was afraid to. parties over, i left.Started dating the girl i met at work. i loved it. i always got hard making out with her then we would have sex not a lot but often bc she was a horny virgin. I would think about dudes tho, stare at them, think about them during sex and even watch gay porn(not during). I loved this girl or thought i did, but we broke up after 6 months of dating(not very long). So i hit up some guy from grindr that i knew from school and we hooked up at this music festival we were both going to. Im gonna call him assface, I deeply regret that hookup. i Hate that guy. ill get into it later. So I'm back in houston me and my ex are on again off again throughout summer and fall. At the times we were talking i wouldn't hook up with dudes i'd only hook up with her. when we hated each other and weren't talking i'd find guys on grindr. I eventually ended sexual contact with my ex in january of this year. but she wants to remain good friends bc i was her first...so whatever, we are.fast forward to another music festival earlier this year. I see assface and acted normal bc my ex was in his group. festivals over, assface accuses my friend of stealing his phone via twitter and going off and outing him who is also a closeted bisexual, to our friends. Next morning assface calls my exgirlfriend and tells her i hooked up with my friend, telling her theirs proof in our twitter DMs(mine and my friends) he did this to her and a bunch of other close friends we have; outing me and my friend. Managing to do all of this without mentioning his closeted self. Why did assface bring me up? i had not hooked up with assface in months or engaged in conversation with assface as well? I called my best friend to explain, who assface had told as well and my ex telling them the truth about me they were completely okay with it saying I'm still the same person. So life goes on.Im not feminine at all, i look like a masculine man but i guess if you were to connect the dots you would be able to tell i was bi or gay? Idk what to do with my life my dad hates gays always told me growing up. I mean don't get me wrong he loves me and i love him. BUT sometimes he can be a complete asshole and ruin everything with us and we fight. My biggest worry about coming out is my dad, idk how he would react i live at home, i don't have a car(currently saving), I'm a felon for possession of cocaine(it'll be expunged off my record in march 2017)<--thats another story lol. so i can't get up and leave like id want to. He lets me drive one of his trucks but will take it away for any little bicker we have, leaving me carless under any circumstances. I have three sisters and my mother at home living with me as well(full support I'm sure). I guess my main worry is telling people I'm gay but I don't want to give people that "satisfaction" of "i knew it!", especially in my family(siblings, parents, cousins) since were all so close.If i didn't live at home it would be so easier to come out of the closet. I would tell everyone. But heres another thing. I hate being gay. i have nothing against gays but i just wish i loved the opposite sex like every other one of my heterosexual friends. After jerking off to gay porn, i hate myself for it completely loathe myself. Ive hooked up with a number of men on grindr, i don't even know how many, possibly 15-20. And after every hook up i hate it as well! they're usually older men(must be daddy issues). And with girls I've only had sex with 2...Finally, these events in my life have me feeling horrible about myself. I hate every second of my life. I don't know what to do. Ive had suicidal thoughts since i was a little boy. I turn 21 in october and i honestly don't know what I'm doing with myself. i usually set goals on birthdays and new years saying id stop watching gay porn and hooking up with men but i get urges to do so and break them. I just want to kill myself you guys. I don't think this world needs me, I'm pretty useless honestly. But i wouldn't because i don't want to put my family through that emotional pain.I think thats it for now. Idk if this is what i can do on reddit post a life story? lol but i just wanted to express my feelings/thoughts rn instead of doing this sociology homework i have. Please leave yall's feedback on this annoying ugly life i live. Please leave any type of comments or advice you'd like.