Tl;dr: I cheated on my boyfriend and he cheated back... kinda.

Ok. Before I or my hopefully not yet soon to be ex get harassed here. Let me fill you in. Grab a seat boys, girls and apaches, this is gonna be a looooong one. So please please please bear with me.Ok, it started early this year, my bf and I have been on and off and it kinda escalated on that month. That month, I have forgotten that it was his birthday. To my defense though, I'm really terrible with remembering dates and I've been too busy at work. Hell, there were times I can't even remember my own bday unless he or my parents greeted me. But I guess that's not a valid reason, right?Anyways, he requested something for his bday (to eat at an expensive buffet) that I denied because I have a tight budget and I was saving up. From there, things have gotten worse as he started to get angry saying that first, I forgot his birthday then now I wouldn't grant his request. I understand that he's mad and it was his bday so I caved in, but he said he doesn't want to anymore. He tried to broke up with me then and we fought badly, hurling insults at each other and digging up past mistakes.The next month came and the topic of my work came up. Fyi, I'm a government worker, employed at the airport corporate affairs as a writer. Seeing as I haven't had a promotion for 3 years since I've started, he started nagging me to go find a new one. Now, I said "nag" because this has been a topic more than once. I said I'll try albeit halfheartedly as: 1. The pay isn't bad; 2. The job is comfortable and I'm good at it since it's my field of study, and 3. The office is merely a 10 minute drive from my home as compared to the 1hr to 2hrs travel time if I'm going to look for jobs in the nearest industrial hub.So there, I did try to look for some jobs online, maybe filling up 2 to 3 applications a week. It's slow because as I've said, I'm comfy in my job. Then he asked how's it going and he asked me if I applied to Odesk. I told him a white lie that I am currently going to, but he didn't buy it and got mad at me. I can't blame him, I often tell white lies on the verge of getting caught. So again, we fought which ended up to actually breaking up. I tried getting back with him, trying to beg him, consoling him, I apologized profusely, saying I was an asshole for digging up past mistakes, and that I am really sorry that I lied because I was trying not to upset him and that I really like my work.Needless to say, he didn't get back with me. Now here's where things get interesting. We officially "broke up" but we kept contact, with him almost always initiating the first text or pm in facebook and such. Hell, we even had sex and chalked it up as something to that of being fuck buddies. But all throughout all this, he made me feel... like crap. My efforts were useless to his eyes, I doubled my effort in looking for a new job just so he'll get back with me, I begged him during our sex session to get back with me but he kept saying that we'll find someone for each other. Hell I even tried making him jealous by showing the profile of a hot coworker of mine. And you know what he said? He said that we should have sex and that he'll watch it. He even encouraged me to actually use a gay dating app (I told him then that I was going to use the app, but actually haven't yet). So, pretty much, hopelessness was starting to sink in.I tried looking at it in his perspective. After all, I have a history with him of telling lies and white lies, but I never cheated beforehand. I also have a history of not getting the right gifts for him as I have a different taste, and, I have to admit that sometimes, I fall short on the effort of looking for the perfect gift. I also have a history of being mediocre. Or so he says.So now, hopeless, I installed a gay dating app on my phone. First it was just some minor flirting, sexting, you know, somewhat innocent stuff. Then one day, someone spoke to me that I found a lot of similarities with me. Oh by the way, this is the 5th month from my separation from my "ex." We still have regular communication, I say 'I love you' to him which he does not return, we talk about sex, but nothing too serious anymore like our future or any other things related to a serious relationship.Anyway, getting back to my gay dating app fling, I've found someone who has very similar interests with me. We talk all day, we talk until 1am sometimes, you know like a couple in their honeymoon period. We talked about sex too. Then after a week, we met personally. That's when I found out that I really like him and that I MIGHT actually fall for him. Fast forward a few more dates and we actually did... well, let's just say something kinky in an inappropriate place (i.e. a blowjob in a place not meant for one).Then, I think a week after that, my "ex" contacted me, and he must have noticed that I was getting cold toward him so he asked what's the matter and I told him about my fling. Needless to say, all hell broke loose. He called me names for having dated someone whom I met on a dating app, he basically slut shamed me (just between us though) for the things me and my fling did, and he admitted that he still "loves" me and told me that he wouldn't be so jealous if he doesn't.I told him then that we were not together anymore but he wouldn't have any of that.After that, he made me choose between him and my fling. Believe me, it was PAINFUL. I cried inside my office's bathroom cubicle for an hour, telling my fling that we have to go FO since my ex found out and that I think I still love him. At first I chose my fling because my ex was pressuring me to choose right then and there. Then after thinking for I think 30 minutes, I chose my ex. I took into account that our relationship was already 3 years and that I've only met my fling for 2 weeks.After that, I felt resentment towards my ex. He kept bringing up what happened and I feel guilty each time for at least the first up to the tenth time that he did so. After that, resentment and, I guess, pride, swallowed me. So much so that I will just get angry each time he brings it up.For his part, I think he tried to get into my interests just so that we can have something to talk about. I'm political and artsy btw and he's more into pop culture.So then we had this cycle of him bringing up what happened, then me getting angry and reminding him of WHY it happened, then ending with me apologizing and saying that I was wrong to have done that.This cycle went on and on, we had sex again, then the cycle went on and on again until, I guess he reached his limit and broke up with me again.Then, not a week later, I found out, rather he told me, that he had sex with his old friend. Sex, as in anal, not just some kinky stuff like what we did with my fling. He then told me that it started with him chatting up with his old friend and then him asking his friend if he wanted to "experiment". Then it happened. Then he told me that it was just a one time thing, nothing more, and that he did it just so he could forget me.I tried understanding him. I really did. But it hurts. Real bad. I know I have no right to be hurt, because I did it first, with my fling. and for the past few months, I haven't tried to comfort him when he brings up my fling because I really am... jaded of it all.Hell I even tried to threaten him that I'll kill myself in our video chat. But I couldn't do it as I was a coward. Now, I'm asking him to come back to me. He says he won't because he claims that I couldn't swallow my pride for him. He even told me that he's still in contact with his friend as he was his friend and that I have no right to stop him from having sex with anyone as we are exes.Maybe he's right but still, isn't it unfair? I've cut off all of my contact with my fling. I unfriended him on all social networks but haven't blocked him. But my "ex" is still in contact with his friend. Hell, he even said that if his friend needed to have sex with him again, he'll be willing. Oh fyi, me and my ex are still talking, and he keeps bringing up the topic of having sex with me, while I'm here left in the dark if we really are exes or whatever.I just need help. I can't go to my relatives as I am not yet out of the closet. I can't ask my friends as I know that they're busy as it is. What do I do? I've grown tired of crying at night and I think my tear ducts are already literally dried. I don't want to kill myself despite me wanting to end the pain as I'm a coward. But at the same time, I know that I've also caused him so much pain. I'm so messed up. It's all so messed up.I appreciate any help and thanks for sticking around for a very long and tedious read.