Isn't this what an urge feels like? What the hell am I?

I'm a bit of a nut job because I managed to become addicted to porn at a mere 14 years old and I've been trying to quit for two years. I haven't crushed in four years, and even stranger, that was on a girl. From the moment I started watching porn though, I realized the truth. I never gave a shit about the girl in the video. Men are so fucking attractive, and I want one.My addiction however has unfortunately robbed me of normal male functioning, so I physically cannot get hard to real people. I haven't had a wet dream or even morning wood in three years. I always stuck inside alone watching my porn, and basically, the result is, I can't feel normal sexual urge. But at the same time, i feel the desire.The best way I can explain this is that extremely rarely I will be absolutely overcome with the desire to have sex, but I can't feel the drive to pursue it. My thoughts drift to porn after an initial spark and that's the end of it. I think about how hot it would be to fuck a guy. I can't imagine how good it must feel to stick it up there but I get really excited at the thought. The thought stays in my head though and I feel no desire to pursue it though. Therefore, from the beginning, I assumed I wanted to top a guy if I ever did it.However, one day, I was sick of not feeling the corresponding urge to pursue. I thought nah I'm bullshitting myself, i can't be a top if I don't want to pursue. I have to be a bottom! So I stuck my finger up my butt and it was... a mixed bag, anyway. Felt good but hurt quite a bit. I didn't think about doing it again since I didn't find it nearly as pleasuring as my penis. HOWEVER, ever since that day, when i get horny, i feel this "tingling" where my prostate is. I feel an urge to pleasure it, but I don't feel the urge to have something up their either. It seems so fucking weird. But is this what desire feels like? Do I want to have a guy fucking me deep down? But that can't be, because when I get horny, I think about topping a guy! What is this? How can I eel the desire to top and to pleasure my prostate at the same time? That's just physically not possible to pleasure both at the same time, I think!I'm probably just overthinking it, but it gives me some anxiety. I'm not sure in what I'd do if I was with with a guy! What would I tell him? I guess that's what experimentation is for, but in the meanwhile I don't feel the urge to have real see with a guy, I just think about it! There's would be literally no way for me to figure this out as of now, but all I can ask in the meantime is, is that what it feels like to have an urge? Do you guys ever feel that way? Aren't there any other accompanying feelings?Sorry for my wall :(