Don't really care if anyone reads this, just feel like I need to wrote something, It's 1am here in sydney and I won't be able to sleep until I get this off my chest. I have always had anxiety and through bullying developed depression. Three seperate occassions in my life my closest friends have turned against me, and I despise them all for it. Like me and gerald went to primary school togethor and me and daniel got along like twins, but just cause the leader of the group decided he didn't like me, cause his best friend who is gay and bullied me got in his ear, they all turned on me. I was lost for almost a year, no one but my best friend ben and my friend dylan, then along came blake. He eventually managed to drag me out of my hiding hole and into his group of friends, I though I was hitting it off with them and we all became friends. Anyway, a year passes, school finishes, I develop feeling for a certain girl, well more of a fascination, I never liked her before but as I got to know her through the year, I began to feel certain things towards her. Naturally I fought this as I knew it would ruin our frinedship, this wasn't a normal crush, it's not often you don't feel any attraction to someone upon meeting them and then as your friendship grows you begin to love them as you learn more about them and love their personality. Finally I work up the courage after all my friends who are also her friends tell me if i dont try i'll always regret it. So I asked her out, she agrees, few weeks pass and we still havn't gone out. One of my closest friends who finished the year before me, begins to tell me she dousn't like me, she see's me as a brother and that i've put her in a weird position. Now I really liked this girl, even now I think about her a lot even though she hurt me and I hate her. But to spare her any pain, and cause I didn't want to lose her, I spoke to her about us just remaining friends. She agrees to it, I feel better that I'm not going to lose this amazing friend, two weeks later we have a lunch for our friendwho is going to europe for awhile. Me and her literally excahnge just hello, I didn't talk to her caue i was embaressed, they all knew I had social anxiety and it was a weird situation for me. She apparently takes it the wrong way, now let me clarify, I would only have been distant that one lunch after that i would have begun putting our friendship back on track. anyway I leave sydney to work for my cousin for 2 weeks, tried talking to her multiple times, she ignore me acts like I dont exist. I try contacting her closest female friend, who was my friends girlfriend at the time, she ignores me too. I realise that for the second time in my life I have been rejected by my friends. I begin ranting about it to the other girls boyfriend and my friend who finished 1 year before us, neither of them can believe it, it seems so unlike the two girls to do that especially to little old me. School had by that time finished, we all were out in the working world and one by one all my friends went there own paths, my best mate ben became distant and never wanted to hang out, I blamed dylan for convincing me to ask her out so I tossed him out of my life. That other girls boyfriend became distant to the point where he as like a stranger, and they all rejected blake and he went his own way into life. months pass, all I have left is the guy who finished a year before me named daniel and my other mate luke. We were as thick as thieves, best buds. However I began to realise that they were both hanging out togethor without me more and more, they bagan calling each other best mates, and I introduced the two lug heads. Anyway they begin hanging out with that chick I asked out, they want me to become friends with her again so they can all hang out, I say we can all hang out but I'm not her friend. We become more distant until we lose contact for about a month, then one night I start getting harrassing messages from daniel, it's a saturday night so I know him and luke are getting drunk and like i've seen them do in the past they harrass random people they hate, only this time it's me! I respond with hateful comments and graphically literate how they are all going to die, not by my hand but when you think about it they ways I said are more than likely the way they will go so I was more of shining a light on there deaths. anyway luke is furious, wants to beat my head in, by this point I despise him, as I have always told people i can take crap from people but when someone turns their back on me they are dead to me, friends don't abandon each other. so by this point i hate him as much as the bullies from high school, and carried around a screw driver in the driver side door of my car hopeing that he would come after me to beat me up, cause i would not hesitate to stab him in the neck, in self defence, but alase he never came, I despise daniel but he never shows and anger when you insult him, like fighting a wall, so I came up with productive ways to get revenge, like a duct tape spike trap to blow out his car tyres, or glow in the dark spray paint the word cunt to his brand new car, and other ways of vandalising the car and wrecking the engine without leaving evidence, even got some guys he used to know who are my gaming pals to come up with ideas and egg me on to do it. But I wanted to do this when I move, can't until I find work down where im moving and still havnt yet, never know, might still do it, but unlikely, he wont live long with his physique anyway. and finallly in my hateful retaliation i also mentioned that girl and how she had depression and would kill herself. well, i know what you thinking, this guys a fucking asshole, and your right i am, I have always been an asshole but i can't help it, society makes it's own demons and through bullying depressed socially awkward nut cases like me are born. So yeah, she messaged me on face book a few weeks ago basically saying fuck you I didn't do anything to you, I replied with K nothing else but the letter K to egg her on. And a few days later I both relished in talking crap about her and her hearing it, and felt bad for it. And last night at one in the morning she randomly messages me saying "want to build a dick snowman, yes a dick snowman" and i thought WTF. I was morally broken by this girl for abandoning me, then I picked on her and her bipolar disorder, and then when she came back at me I replied with just a casual smart ass comeback like K. And here she is randomly messaging me! I then realised it was a sunday and was clearly drunk and if she was drunk that meant she was drinking at her place with daniel and luke. Now why can't these people just leave me alone? They know I can't make new friends, I finished school last year and still have never had a job cause of my anxiety, and am 19 years old never been in a relationship, and yet they feel the need to get one over me every now and then, as if they have to prove something, like there quiling a resistance before it starts, except there's no resistance her. I'm never going back to them i just want to leave sydney now and am actively trying to leave sydney forever just to get away from them. And the sad part is those two guys, nothing would please me more than to tie there hands to one car and legs to another and tear them in half, cause if i could get away with it i'd do it, no heaven for me I'm an athiest, when you die you just rot in the ground, were all just bags of meat. But I don't have any hateful thoughts towards that girl, deep down I think I'm still infatuated with her. Through all the pain I still want her, but my general feelings to her is hate and spite, and should i ever see her i would most definetly be spiteful, but I still miss her. Never before had I felt that way towards a girl until I fell for her. I just wish they'd leave me alone, I wish she wouldn't message me again, I fear that if she asked us to be friends again I'd go running back and jump on her lap like a dog. Which I don't want cause I will always feel that spite towards her for what she did, and I would be betraying my ideals about friendship. And for those of you wondering about my friends turning their backs on me in the past, daniel and gerald and the rest were the first incident in 2011, ben and dylan and that girl and the rest were the second in the end of 2013, and luke and daniel were rather recent just 4 or 5 months ago so yeah. People wonder why I am super shy and don't trust easily, it's because people who i care so much about I'd take a bullet for them always end up turning on me, and I don't know why. I'm funny with a dark sense of humour, loyal and trust worthy, i think it cause I'm too passive, I talk all big and say outrageous things but I always seem to crumble when one of my friends takes offence and i apologise quickly, so they begin to see me a disposable and worthless. I have still not seeked further professional help for my SA, want to move first, still havn't found work, although when i do I'm leaving sydney that day, I started playing games and talking to dyaln again, I realised it wasn't his fault and came to the conclusion he never really turned against me. Unfortunatly the only friends I have are on pc, I mean I have a lot of them but none live in sydney, except dylan but he is strange not the kind of frined that want to hang out in person, but wants to play games all the time. So I've been writing this for 40 minutes now, don't really know where to stop, at this point it's just floating out. I miss them, daniel, luke, but mainly that girl, havn't seen her in a year, and still hate her guts, but miss her so much, feel like this is something that I may never get over. My first ever genuine crush on someone and that person rips out my heart, granted she did it without realising, but still. Take a hint people of the earth, you can call you friends names but you can apologise and depending on that person they may forgive you. But turning your back on someone by up and leaving and blocking all forms of communication is not only cowardly, it is the worst possible thing you can do to someone, normal people may just shrug it off, but those like us who have anxiety, it's like taking our homes from us and forcing us unto the street. Contrary to what most people belive, most anxiety victims are social animals, we crave human contact, whether it's verbally socialising or just the simple unspoken presence of a friend. We need that, and when it's taken away we can't breath, we suffocate in the vacuum of a world we don't know how to connect with, people fly past in their lives, makeing social networks and thriving like pink pettle flowers in a summer field. But we remain in the shade, we are left behind, we struggle to survive in a world that neither wants us nor needs us. And despite my repeated attempts to make friends here, just friends in sydney that I can see in person in the hopes that these forgotten souls from the shade of social purgatory can come togethor and create a unspoken bond shared through their faults and their fears ultimatley making us stronger, better than the perfection modern society deems worthy to thrive. But alas, to no avail I am still alone, nothing but the dark. Sometime I climb out of my window at night and sit in the fields around my house, I don't pay any attention to the mosquitoes that peck at my skin, neither the stray wild animal passing through on it's way to some place better. I stare at the stars, and dream of being taken away, to a place where I am special, where I am revered as perfect and beautiful, and not the hollow husk of a human soul we all know me to be. I think of taking my keys and leaving, driving into the distant light of the stars upon the horizon. But I can't, to leave my family with such sorrow, if not for the fear of even bruising their hearts, I fear I would have ended this existence long ago, and claim my right to that descending tomb we all eventually succumb to, to rot in piece, without emotion or sentience, just none existence. 1:43am now, still can't sleep, through all the darkness in my mind, the one constant though is her, not her face, nor her personallity, but just the thought of her presence, remembering that feeling when she was in the room. I wish we all lived in a simpler time, I'd give up all my treasures just to be at peace with who i am and for me to be loved by someone other than a family member. I feel like a old man who has wasted his life, and now his opurtunity for love and wealth have all passed him by, alone he waits for death to play the final hand. I don't think I'll ever get over my anxiety, I can't imagine a life without this fear, this chain around my soul. Part of me wishes she would see this, see what she has driven me to, what life has driven me to. But I fear she will find joy through my misery, worse i fear luke and daniel will find this and thus gain fuel for their eternal war against all things me. If there is a god, is this what man was supposed to be like, endure thousands of years of war, until the pinnacle of social hierarchy is to brand the strange and different as heretics, to which there are forever besmirched by the world they are forced to survive in. But ehn she'll never see this, i have neither th courage nor the will to send her it, I feel that these words will lay on deaf ears, she'll never forgive me, to her I will always be a whiner, an tantrum thrower. I will always be the black sheep of her life, never conform, never fit in, a gray blodge on a canvas of white. Well, i suppose i best get sme sleep, the stars tire of my gaze, and my heart tires of my shame. However, I feel as though I should apologise for that weird paragraphs further up, where i seem to turn into a poet of some kind. I tend to become very philosophecal when I speak from the heart, something I have not done for a long time, it feels good. Again, I apologise, my rant had no real agenda, no cries for love or sympathy from the tortured community that is reddit anxiety. I simply felt the need to write out my thoughts and feelings, although rather than delete them, I thought this time, i'd post them on reddit, just the thought that my heart and soul are out there for the world to speculate gives me a odd sense of both relief, rather than fear they may see my words and contact me I simply cant care any less, if they see my words so be it, I don't care if they know they won, they defeated a broken heart. Still can't get her out of my mind, I miss her presence more than anything, but when i think back to our frinedship, I can't remember anytime we actually connected, like this crush I had came from just regular interaction with her, like I never really knew her at all, she was always a blank card. I don't think i was a bad looking guy, and although she wasn't the greatest looking to me she was as beautiful as the stars themselves.
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