Hey, so this might be a pretty rambling post (apologise), and if I should be posting this in another subreddit, please advise, but I feel like this is the right one. Basically, I'm an 18 year old male who is seriously questioning if I'm bisexual, or even further down the kinsey scale. I've only ever identified comfortably as straight, and even thinking of myself as bisexual makes me feel extremely uncomfortable, but I don't know if I just have some self loathing going on. Not to sound conceited, but I'm quite a strong athlete with Olympic prospects, and the thought of 'coming out' or 'being discovered' to be not straight gives me legitimate terror.
My family is quite religious, and while it wouldn't be to the extent of being thrown out of home, I know my family would be severely disappointed if I wasn't straight. Despite all of this, for the past few years I've watched predominately gay porn. Every single time I masturbate to gay porn and I cum, I have an overwhelming sense of self loathing and disgust. Sometimes I feel like I almost have a split personality where one side is wanting gay sex and the other is disgusted by it.
On the 'gay side': I found a guy online and I've met him three times for sex. He's about 20 years older than me, which in itself makes me feel really fucked up, but its what I am physically attracted to. Each time I've had sex with him (not anal, but mostly oral) I fall into what I can only describe as a depressive state. The 2nd time I was with him I couldn't bring myself to orgasm, and left humiliated and feeling very dirty and wrong.
On the 'straight side' I keep up a very convincing charade of being a poon crushing alpha male, despite never having officially lost my virginity to a woman. Since I've started watching gay porn frequently, I feel like I can't have an erection even by watching straight porn, and when I do, I need to start masturbating while flaccid and that eventuates into legitimate arousal. I basically haven't made out with girls in about a year, but the last 3 girls I made out with I did get an erection while making out with them, but since then not really, but I'm not sure if that is because my sexuality is somehow shifting or just because I've been really drunk. The last scenario that comes to mind is when I was in bed with a girl during a party, and I was quite drunk. She was completely naked while I still had undies on, but I simply couldn't get an erection. She was 100% keen to have sex, but I basically chickened out and through some elaborate scheme escaped. I don't know whether this is because a) I was so freaked out and nervous about getting an erection that I over thought it b) I was too drunk and had whiskey dick, or c) I've spent so long watching gay porn that I legitimately can't get erect for women.
That being said, I've had what I can only describe as an intense crush on this very good looking girl and close friend for about 2 years. I had planned to lose my virginity to her, as she was also a virgin, but then on a school leavers holiday, she lost her virginity to another guy, and while I was very drunk I legitimately started crying (which never happens to me ever) because I thought that I loved her. But then again, I'm not sure whether I actually love her or I thought that I could prove to myself that I was straight by taking her virginity. I can feel this text post already being a confusing cluster fuck, but basically: I strongly identify as heterosexual, but am forced to accept that I'm not, because of what I've done. At this point gay feelings are purely sexual, although I'm terrified that might change if I don't somehow stop 'indulging' in that side of myself. I can only imagine myself being in a serious relationship with a woman. I would literally rather kill myself than come out as being not straight. That sounds really heavy, and is probably controversial on this very accepting community, but I'm just being 100% honest with myself. So this has strayed to a very extreme 'am I bisexual' question, but I would love some advice from anyone that has perhaps been in a similar situation (although I doubt it haha). IDK, i just feel really fucked up and confused. If you made it all the way through, thanks for reading and happy new year!
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