Hi fellow INTPs,
so this might be another depressing post in this otherwise so lovely sub. But i'll hope somebody is going to read it anyways. It's long, aimless and all over the place. I'm not even a hundred percent sure why i wrote this. Because i know from experience that advise is not going to help. So maybe i just need to get this off my chest.
Oh and as you might find out soon enough, english isn't my native language but i still tried my best to write somehow understandable.
As the topic states i haven't had sex in over a year now. I'm a 30 year old single. I'm living in one of europes biggest cities. im good looking, not completly dumb, i have a big social circle and a social life that takes place in bars and clubs almost every week. So me not getting laid is definitely something that has its root in my mental state.
Growing up i never really was a womanizer, meaning i just wasn't good with flirting and all that kind of stuff. I could handle it sometimes while drunk. As long as i can remember, girls often would approach me or they wanted to be with me and this always kinda scared me because there was nothing worse, than to have a feeling of being expected to do things and to have some kind of liability. So i never had as much sex as i could have during my teens - and i never really cared about it. My friends would often take home girls that they didn't like or that they didn't even found attractive. I tried that a few times but i soon realized, that this kind of stuff wasn't for me. Also there was the internet and porn, which could bring me orgasms without all that emotional stuff.
Fast forward a few years. When i was 22 or so something, i had my first long term girlfriend. We were together for 4 years and sex was good most of the time. I enjoyed it a lot. I would still watch porn sometimes but in general we had a good sex life. After that relationship i kinda went "crazy" and had a lot of one night stands and fuckbuddies for 1,5 years. And for the first time i enjoyed this kind of casual sex. I found out about r/seduction and read little into that stuff without taking it to serious. I soon after found r/nofap and r/pornfree and thought that it was interesting as well. Especially because i always kinda had some anxiety when i was sleeping with somebody the first few times. But I never got obsessed with those "cults". In general I was feeling good as a single male, having different sex partners and one night stands.
So fast forward a little more. I moved to a bigger city, where I'm living now. I thought that it will be great, because it's a city with a vivid night life ( i really enjoy the nightlife, it's a big part of me in a lot of ways) i also work in a bar/club on some weekends. I pictured myself living this kind of bohemian life, where i could have casual sex when ever i wanted, because there are enough girls who enjoy that kind of life as well. And maybe one day one of these girls would stay as my next girlfriend if i feel ready for it.
But than something strange happened and after i found this sub a year ago, i think it has something do with my "INTPness". I lost interest in women. It's not that i don't find them attractive anymore. I do. I check em out on the street and in the clubs or on facebook etc. It's just that I'm not interested in the whole thing that comes along with it. I never really liked that part of the game, as i said earlier, but in the years before i could kinda force myself to do it because i knew that in the end it often was fun talking to cool girls, dancing with them, kissing them, sometimes fucking etc. but now it just bores me to death. I just can't force myself to have a conversation when there is a sublime part of flirting in it. It seems so ridiculous to me. Just stupid. Also the idea of actually getting a date would scare me, not because I'm scared of dates but because the waste of time it would be if that girl wasn't my type. And i actually think that 99% of all girls i meet aren't my type. Not because of looks but because of their closed minded thinking. I know that this must sound really arrogant and maybe it is a little. But it's just that feeling of being bored after 10 Minutes of conversation most of the time. When i was younger i was able to keep up the facade of nice talk and small talk until someday hopefully it would lead to some kind deep conversations.
I kinda have the feeling that my standards for some reason just got so over the top high, that it'll be almost impossible to ever find a girl. Not only does she need to look good, she needs to wear the right cloth, needs to be funny, interesting, a little fucked up, so she fits with my fucked up side ect. etc. etc. An endless list, that is absolute unrealistic and makes no sense at all. This is me, trying to find girls ( be it for one night or for a long term thing) by reasoning, even though everybody knows that you are supposed to do that kind of thing with your emotions.
Then of course, there is some kind of social pressure to have sex, especially when you could easily get it. I can still stand above that for the moment. So i speak openly about me not having sex with my friends or even with people that i don't know that good. But i also feel it creeping up on me a little. It's this feeling that something might be wrong with me, because i don't do what I'm supposed to do as good looking single male in my prime. I even asked myself if i might be gay (which would be cool with me). But as i said before, I'm still attracted to girls and i'm not attracted to guys at all. So am i missing sex, making out, cuddling, or just sharing some kind of intimate moment with a beautiful, funny girl? Yeah, sometimes. Sometimes i wish i would run in to this girl of my dreams and start something with here. Sometimes i wish i would take home a sexy girl from the club just to have some intimacy again.
So maybe I'm just in a phase of my life where i'm sick of mindless one night stands and meaningless hook-ups? And I'm actually looking for a real thing? Being able to connect emotionally with people and with girls in particular, is just so hard at the moment for whatever reason. It never was easy for me, as you fellow INTPs might know, but right now it's even harder and i just don't know why and what to do about it.
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