Like the first murder really is like, nerve-racking. Hands are shaking and you're wondering if you've got enough bleach; all that shit. Oh I can't do it, this is too dark, even for me. And I love dark humor; I fucking love the Wayans Brothers.
Anyway, it really does get easier. There's probably better analogies than murder, you know? Perhaps like tennis? Maybe the first time you play tennis is hard but it gets easier?
I fucking hate clubs. My fucking skull is vibrating and it feels like my soul is trying to escape and a good percentage of these girls aren't my type either. Let's just say I wouldn't necessarily bring them home to mom and dad, you know what I'm saying? And I fucking love my mom and dad. And cheap sex got fucking old a long time ago. Trust me, it gets fucking old. That sounds gay, but it's true. Don't call me a faggot, it's really unsatisfying and unfulfilling and just because I'm looking for a woman to spend the rest of my life with I'm a faggot? Fuck you, I want a girl that cries during Sarah McLachlan commercials and who kisses my forehead when she gives me a head rub and who sucks at blowjobs because that's endearing, and a girl who's good at blowjobs makes me wonder about her past experiences if you know what I mean. Because she can always learn, you know what I mean? I want a girl who cooks breakfast in her underwear wearing my oxford shirt and I want a girl who knows where the fuck England is on a map. A want a girl who never nags and calls me baby and will make me a sandwich without a fucking feminist tirade. I want a girl who's loving, giving, flexible, and who will laugh at my corny jokes.
Wow that's kind of gay. So I hate the fucking clubs and where do I meet girls? Everywhere. Everywhere. Everywhere is the fucking answer. Dating is a numbers game, and there's a lot of similarities between dating, sales, and evangelism. I fucking canvass streets son! I live in a small town and it's fucking tough my friend. I literally walk down the street, shop by shop, canvassing like I'm working for fucking Green Peace or something. To motivate myself I say, "This street could have my future fucking wife on it. She's working in some shitty shop, lonely and reading some book, looking beautiful, and I am going to walk inside and I am going to change her fucking life like a fucking romance novel."
I got 2 girls numbers today, and 2 yesterday actually, technically 2. One was a girl at a restaurant I've been to a handful of times, always flirting with her. I teased this girl to death, it was so cute, I wish you could have seen it. This girl is tiny and she's adorable and I kept teasing her that she was absolutely infatuated with me, and made her beg/work for my number. I usually don't give my number and prefer to take theirs, but she wasn't having it. Usually they never call. But she texted an hour later, what a sweetheart. The other girl, lol, I was driving by and I saw her in the shop, and I literally did a fucking U-turn. Sales baby! Another guy would have rationalized and made up excuses, "Oh she probably has a boyfriend and I gotta get going and blah blah blah." You don't fucking throw away a fucking lead! So I walked in there and man, it was magic from the very first moment. I had her laughing so hard she literally had her head in her knees, almost laughing on the floor. This girl did the same shit though! Wouldn't give me her number and wanted to take mine! I honestly sincerely thought I'd never hear from this girl again, but a few hours later, what do you fucking know, she texts me, and now I've got her number. Heh.
Now yesterday, I was canvassing a fucking street. A few somewhat promising leads but eh, somewhat uptight. Came across one girl at a luggage shop or whatever and got her number. Later that night she texts me "Hi" and I tease her and say Aww, you're so cute. It's only been a couple hours and you're already texting me ;) Heh heh, you gotta tease em. Now earlier that morning I ran into someone and this girl is really hot, but she's married and has two kids. But hey! Guess what! Got her number anyway because I told her if she knows anyone or has a girlfriend to introduce me and hook me up! It's sales baby! They say if you can sell, you can do anything or something, I don't know, Mark Cuban said something like that or one of those guys on Shark Tank. And jokingly as we left, I said to her, When you leave your husband, give me a call ;) Just kidding of course, kids terrify me.
In the end, in the big scheme of things, why does this matter? Because guys and gals, you should never settle. Because settling leads to unhappy marriages and divorces and broken families, and long after we're buried in the ground, our children will inherit the consequences of our sins, and what a fucking shame for our children. You know something like 90% of drug addicts and criminals grew up without their biological father. It is a damning statistic. And I want our children to grow up with both their parents and I want you men to be able to see your kids more than once a fucking week and not have another man raising them. Because divorce lawyers should be made homeless, and our daughters should not grow up being promiscuous, trying to fill the void of their father's love, and our sons should not grow up to be criminals and drug addicts. This is why we ought to date, and this is why we ought to hold out until we find Miss Right, and not settle for the first one that comes along. This is why we need to find a good woman.
A good girl with class doesn't mention her ex-boyfriends on a date with you, because she knows that that won't make you feel happy and comfortable. A good woman doesn't push her man's buttons. A good woman has a caring nature and family values and honesty and humor and tenderness and grace. They're sweet and serene in a playful manner. They're flexible givers who don't ever nag. And they respect themselves. And they cry during Sarah McLachlan commercials, lol, maybe not.
You want to know my secret to all of this, to every single bit of it? I never let my interest level in a girl rise above 89%. And I never will, even after I'm married to her. I am always willing to walk away, and I will not be blinded by my dick or by my supposed heart, because if this union is not right, I will walk, and I will not look back. And you know, women cannot respect a man who always goes along with her and doesn't have a spine and who will put up with her shit and never leave. Occasionally, when the situation matters and you truly think things ought to be different, you need to say that word that all those bullshit love doctors say is wrong; you need to say no. Respect means that sometimes you say no, and she'll respect your decision and go with it. Not, "Whatever you say dear" and roll over like a fucking who the fuck knows. And if she knows that you will put up with her shit no matter what and never leave, here comes the walrus, packing on the pounds, and then comes divorce and child support and seeing your kids once a week. But if she knows that you will fucking walk and not look back, that's the beginning of respect.
Also I have a big dick. Lol no, let's be honest, I have a mediocre penis, but that's besides the point. The point is this; what is one of the most important things you will ever do in your entire life? Pick a college? No no, it's picking a fucking husband or wife. And don't you think that such a decision ought to have some fucking thought behind it? People rush into marriage easier than buying a fucking car. You will research for weeks for a car, but you will marry the first fucking breathing soul that gives you attention without considering any of their red flags or their character traits. 2 years, no red flags, then you can marry. You cannot learn engineering overnight; you cannot learn to be a mechanic overnight; you cannot learn how to be a chef overnight; how do you expect to understand love, one of the most elusive of life's mysteries, overnight? But I have come to give you the greatest gift, and this may be the best day of your life. Because there is a man who has changed my life, and he can certainly change yours. The first man in 6,000 years to understand women: Doc Love. He's on a mission, and he is a good and honorable man, because it's about people; it's about families; it's about humanity. And is that not honorable? This is why we date. Good luck fuckers!
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