I hate Myself

There are many reasons. Some things about me just to get the idea; I'm 21 years old, studying horticulture but i have no idea what to do as a career, I don't have a job right now.In the past four years I've hooked up with 70-80 guys and I feel disgusting about it. Last year in fall I met a great man who truly cared about me. A few months after meeting this great guy I felt so strange and decided to tell him ''I don't think we should talk anymore" then I started to hook up with others again.We started to talk and hangout again after a couple months of not talking, then my father killed himself one night while I was at that guys house, in april. A few weeks after my dad was dead I started to talk to guys on a hook-up app, and told the guy who actually cared about me the same "i don't think we should talk anymore"So then I started hooking up again, up to the point of being fisted, which I feel so disgusting about, I didn't like it and it gives me nightmares.The guy that cares about me called me and wanted to meet up, we had sex but I was paranoid that I might have hiv, I told him after we had sex, and he was rightfully disappointed and pissed.I ended up getting a full screen done and found out I have hsv2, told him thankfully he doesn't have it.We have been hanging out a few times a week, he cares about me and I care about him. But sometimes I feel like I should just tell him not to talk to me anymore and I don't really understand why. I love being around him but I feel like he should not waste his time on me. He doesn't think i'm capable of a relationship which is probably true.Long story short, i'm ashamed about the amount of guys i've hooked up with, getting fisted, the time i spend looking at porn.My therapist says none of this matters, as I wasn't trying to hurt anyone and I have not killed or molested anyone. But I feel bad for hurting this guy who has only ever been there to support me.I dont know what i'm trying to say, I just feel so numb and empty.