Okay, quick preface. I'm 15 and a sophomore in high school. I used to live in the Moridor, but when my mom got fired from BYU, we moved to the Upper Midwest. We've been living there about two and a half years now. My mom left TSCC this summer, and I left with her. I never had a strong testimony in the first place, and the church just hurt me. To express my feelings, I wrote this letter to the Young Women. I never sent it, fearing the response I would get, but it helped just to write it. (note: long)
Dear Young Women and leaders,
I’m sure you’ve been told that I am taking a break from the church, and I feel like I owe you an explanation as to why this is the case.
First of all, the church has stated many a time that we do NOT support gay marriage. It seems to be in nearly every conference, as well as in sacrament meeting, seminary, and Sunday school. I don’t agree with this. Homosexuality is not a choice; therefore, we essentially believe that homosexuals were created by God to be oppressed, to be unable to express their true selves. Were this a more minor issue, I would just ignore it, but every time someone mentions the Family Proclamation, I have to leave the room. I loathe watching conference because of the talks I know are coming. I found passages in True to the Faith that state that homosexuality “distorts loving relationships.” However, I know several gays, and they are all extremely compassionate. A lesbian couple whose daughter goes to my school volunteers for everything; one mom is even on the school board. They help out so many people, and they adopted two daughters who would’ve received no love otherwise.
Similarly damaging is the motherhood culture surrounding the Church. When I lived in Utah, I would regularly get lessons on how to be a homemaker and why women should be stay-at-home moms. I even got a lesson that said that if you are a working mother, your children will be screwed up. As the child of a working mother, as well as someone who does not want to be a stay-at-home mom, I took great offense to this. My mom is amazing and just as loving as any stay-at-home mom, and her career has allowed her to give me opportunities that otherwise would not be available to me. While I realize this ward is much better in not teaching those things, it always seems to come out in talks and pamphlets. By nature, I’m not a particularly nurturing person, and I only want two or three kids. I wish that there were a few more high-ranking female leaders that had fewer than five kids as role models for people like me.
Lessons and talks seem to place too much emphasis on small rules, and not enough on the big picture. Constantly, I have lessons on modesty, chastity, listening to the right music, avoiding pornography, avoiding steady dating, and the Word of Wisdom. Is it okay to have lessons on these things? Of course. But it seems to me to be the main emphasis. What about helping the poor? What about being a loving, compassionate, non-judgmental person, much as Jesus was? Instead of “modest shopping on a budget,” why aren’t we doing “How to save for college?” Instead of “How to avoid pornography,” why aren’t we talking about “how to help someone who’s been sexually assaulted?” Instead of “How to be a good mother,” why aren’t we doing “how to use your education and personal talents to help others?” I’m sick of hearing the same old lessons year after year. I loathed Primary for years, simply because we never learned anything new. Even when I was 11, nearly in junior high (and I would’ve been in middle school, had I lived where I do now), I was still treated like a five-year-old who couldn’t grasp basic gospel concepts. It got a little better when I moved into Young Women, but only for a year or two. Now, it’s mainly fallen back into the same trap. I’ll have a good lesson every once in a while, but the rest are all the same, year after year, never going deeper. For a few months, I had a wonderful Sunday school teacher, who encouraged us to ask questions and explore things we never knew, but to my chagrin, he was released before I could spend much time in his class. [Note: he actually asked to be released because he was leaving the Church. I didn't know this at the time I wrote this.]
Many church members, including some that have high-ranking positions, have kept me from expressing my true opinions all these years. When I was 12 years old, I often didn’t attend Mutual. I constantly felt judged by everyone in my ward, because they were against liberals, feminists, and other people who were nontraditional-exactly what I was. I felt like I couldn’t really tell them anything about myself for fear of being ostracized. I’ve heard quotes from general authorities that “people who support gay marriage can’t be good Mormons” and “feminists, gays, and intellectuals are the biggest threat to the Church.” If I’m not a perfect, traditional Mormon, I can’t tell other people what I do feel like. In addition, the Church seems to feel that the world is evil. And why? They drink. They dress immodestly. They swear. Some of them even have sex before marriage! I’ve met lots of these people, gotten really close to some of them. In reality, they aren’t evil at all. After all, someone who doesn’t know about the Church can’t possibly be expected to follow standards specific to it, can they? Many of the nicest, coolest, most Christlike people I’ve ever met have been non-Mormon, the kind of people mentioned when they tell us to “be in the world, but not of the world.” Nobody’s perfect, including Church members, but I think people forget that sometimes.
At camp this summer, a girl in my wing was from Utah. When she found out I was a Mormon, she was shocked. “You don’t seem like a Mormon,” she said to me. And I took it as a compliment. Growing up in Utah, I knew exactly what she meant. Members of the Church looked down on her for not being LDS, for wearing shorts that came halfway down her legs, for drinking coffee. I, on the other hand, saw her for who she really was. That’s what church members need to do.
When I was 12 years old, I wanted to leave the church, and not just because it was boring. I wanted to leave because I was being taught that being me was not okay, because I was being judged at every corner, because I felt like I was the only one that didn’t fit the mold. Why did I stay? I stayed because of the church’s teachings that I would be thrown into Spirit Prison, where there would be moaning and groaning and gnashing of teeth, according to the Book of Mormon. (I was also taught that Spirit Prison was actually a really nice place, and I had no idea which of the two to believe.) I didn’t want to be stuck in a place like that forever. I’ve always had a huge fear of the afterlife, always wanted life to end with death. There are two things majorly wrong with that story: number one, what kind of church makes a girl want to leave when she’s 12, for actual, legitimate reasons? And number two, I only stayed because I was scared into staying, which isn’t really a good reason. Additionally, I’ve felt guilt-tripped into doing many things in the Church. The only reason I did Personal Progress was so that I wouldn’t be embarrassed when Young Women in Excellence rolled around. I felt guilted into sharing the gospel with my friends, even though my friends had other religions they were dedicated to, and were even more liberal than I was. I still feel like I can’t be me at church.
If I come back, it will be on my own terms, at a time when I’ll feel safe again. [Note: Never coming back. I wrote this before I even learned of the historical issues.] [My 12-year old sister who stayed] is an amazingly sweet girl, so treat her right, and don’t hassle her to try to get me to come back.
Best, cyan_sunshine
TL;DR: I hated that they were trying to drill into our minds that homosexuality was wrong, motherhood was right, and the world was evil. I didn't like their Pharisaical teachings. I'd wanted to leave TSCC since I was 12.
edit b/c I have no idea what's up with the formatting
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