Someone asked me what it was like to experience death. aka my experience with severe DT's

If I remembered any parts of it longer than a few seconds that didn't seem like a terrible, hallucinatory filled hell with brief spurts of vivid realism and long stretches where I was anyone but myself...I would. I used to have a pretty big problem with drinking. Used to like I don't actively drink any longer and mostly due to this event and some surrounding ones as well. I say I used to have the problem, but I know I always will it just doesn't factor in as much anymore.

It was something like 5 years ago. I lost a relatively large chunk of my life (weeks and weeks of D.T.'s(Delirium tremens) are, simply a result of severe alcohol withdraw. A kind reserved for incredibly hardy drinkers with well seasoned livers. Or whatever. I had no idea what they were until I was experiencing them first hand and even then I'm pretty sure I wasn't an "active participant" in the conversation with the doctors or anybody else that came to visit me or "prepare for the worst" and then "say goodbye" .......

That last part is the part that haunts me and will serve as the only required reminder of my problem, past and progress. I was hospitalized for 15 days. For the first week I had no idea of my surroundings. I wasn't able to comprehend a thing. I was shaking and all sorts of spastic in my movements that they had to strap me down to the bed at least a couple times. I had a high fever for days, was only able to eat or drink via catheter some terrible clear crap that first week there. This was the time my visual and audible hallucinations were peaking. I was tripping face most of the time. The first night I described to my parents and sister who were in the exact same room as me, a tribal seance to commemorate the passing of one of their own....an elderly gay pupeteer man or man who just hung around crazy puppets....I described it all for a half hour and I think they sat and cried or sat stunned if I had to guess. I dreamed I was at a Giants game with friends only they left me and I was handicap, in that I had no legs. And I yelled and yelled about how fucked up they all were until a nurse came. (we were sitting watching the Giants on TV) These visions went on 24/7. It was terrifying and so so SO real. I was scared to close my eyes and scared to open them. I was sweating and freezing. I couldn't ever see straight enough to tell anyone what the fuck was happening and that I didn't mean it to happen like that. But I couldn't figure that out between the demons and crazy nightmares to the loss of motor skills and brain function.

It was the single most terrible and gut wrenching thing that ever happened to me.

I went to rehab and told people I was there cause of vodka and they laughed and though I was a pussy. I saidv"fuck you, did you know that alcohol and opiates are the only drugs whose withdraw symptoms can lead to death?" I don't wish Delirium Tremens on even my most hated enemies. It is a mind-fuck. Comparable to what I imagine an out of body experience would be.

It was the end of the first week RIGHT BEFORE I STARTED GETTING BETTER that they were planning my departure. My fever wouldn't break, my liver was effectively 95% shut down and/or in the advanced stages of failing. They scheduled and had a priest (I am not religious) come in and friends from the opposite coast flew in to say hello. And then....

I very, very slowly started to get better. I guess my fever broke. The hallucinations were calming down, my incoherent fits were lessening. The week long + shut down, failure, and catheter-fueled cleanse was working or I was fighting death. Both.

The doctor told my parents he expected brain cell damage and loss of up to 45% of my total brain power. He told my parents that they should prepare for me to be "much, much different" maybe they though I was fried and brain-dead. Shit. It felt like it for a solid two months after. I could go on about the crazy shit I had experienced when I was on my death bed. As time goes by (this was just under 4 years ago) I start to visualize a little more here and there but not sure how accurate it is. In the aftermath of my longer than two weeks hospitalization, hallucintion-filled death factory of alcohol withdraw found me physically and mentally weaker than I ever was. My internal organs had begun failing in unison, afterall and I was stuck, strapped to a bed for weeks so what could I expect? I had no appetite, no friends (moved out of state back home with parents) no job, girl, strength, drivers license or will to live. I DID have my rescue pit Lucy dog by my side though and a slightly sober mind for the first time in years and that was nice. I also found that my body has created like, its own defense mechanism in that the sight and smell of the shit just makes me sick (briefly) and then super proud. It'll be three years this March 4th that I haven't had any alcohol. And it gets easier everyday. I don't participate in that AA stuff, but I have attended and respect their actions but take a different path to get there. I'm in my early 30s now. Engaged. Freelance artist .....so ....unemployed. and happy with things in general. It has provided me with way more gratefulness and a deep appreciation for life and each day we wake up to. I still have my Lucy dog only now shes "ours" and she has 3 cat friends. I sometimes still think about dying. But then I just move on.

Shit. Life. It has the ability to get really real, really fast sometimes.

It is advantageous to us all to know the true harm and effects of this disease. I hope that maybe someone, somewhere will one day stumble onto some of my rants and hear the heartache and torture I experienced myself and decide to NOT DRINK because of it. That notion makes me extremely happy.

Thanks for reading. Keep your head up. We are all in this together.

Happy Holidays friends.