I think I always knew that I was gay, even if I didn't accept it or acknowledge it. Looking back, I remember having a crush on Peter Pan when I was a young kid, but I couldn't even understand the concept of having feelings for the same sex. My feelings for guys got stronger as I got closer to puberty, but I told myself that I was just curious or that I just really wanted a guy friend. It wasn't even until around 11 years old that I found out what homosexuality was. Though I don't remember this, my mom told me that I saw a photo online of a gay couple kissing. She explained to me that homosexuality is okay and that the church is wrong for judging gay people. Unfortunately her views changed after talking to a Christian friend whose son came out as gay. She worried my mom with myths about how horrible the "gay lifestyle" is and told her that if my dad doesn't spend more time with me, I'll end up gay too.
As I got into high school, I finally gave up on the lies and excuses that I told myself and just accepted that I was attracted to guys. I fought my attractions as hard as I could because I believed they were sinful. It was torture to wake up every day and have to fight who I was. I refused to tell anyone about my attractions because I was so ashamed of them. I felt disgusting. Every time I was attracted to a guy, I would feel sick to my stomach. I would go to church as much as possible because I thought that God could fill that deep dark hole in my heart. One night during a youth service, I ran out of the church and fell to my knees. I curled up in the snow behind the church and cried. I looked up at the night sky with tears running down my face and asked God to take away my gay feelings.
As time went by, my attractions didn't go away. When I was 15, I emailed a Christian ministry that helps men struggling with homosexuality. The email back wasn't too encouraging. The ministry viewed homosexuality as sin and sent me a video explaining their theory on how people become gay. It basically said that having a distant father is what causes boys to become gay. I bought into this theory for a while, but eventually dismissed it because it isn't based on real evidence.
I decided to look online and see if I could find any Christian books that were pro-gay. I found a book on iTunes called "The God Box" by Alex Sanchez. The novel is about a Christian teenage boy who realizes that he's gay and by the end of the book, he realizes that it's okay to be gay and decides to accept himself. After reading that book, I think I finally felt truly happy for the first time in my life. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I could finally accept myself and be who I am.
The next day, I was watching my favorite TV show at the time, Glee. The show had gay characters in it and was one of my only sources of support I that had at the time. When I saw Kurt and Blaine together, I felt relieved to see people that I could really relate too. I don't think my mom knew of the strong gay themes in the show until she walked into the living room that day to see two guys kissing on the television screen.
"This is inappropriate for your sister. Turn it off. I don't want you guys watching this show any more." "But Mom," I protested "it's just kissing. It's fine." "If you want to discuss this, you can do it with your father." she said and walked out of the room. I was shocked. I didn't realize that she was so anti-gay. I followed her into the kitchen and tried to talk to her but she wouldn't listen to me. I tried talking to my dad but he was on my mom's side. I started to get angry because I just couldn't get through to them. I told them that I don't think being gay is a sin and that they shouldn't judge a show as "inappropriate" just because it has gay characters. "Why are you trying so hard to defend them?" my mom sneered. Without thinking, I blurted out "Because I'm gay too!"
That was the moment that changed my whole life. I knew my parents were religious and against homosexuality but I didn't realize what a big mistake I had just made until it was too late. "What? You think you're gay?" my mom said with a worried look on her face. I hate the way she said gay like it's some kind of disease. I sat down and told them honestly about how I was feeling. I said that I don't think it's wrong to be gay and that I'm going to accept myself. I told them about how I tried for years to fight my attractions but they wouldn’t go away. My parents said that they didn't like the choice that I was making and that I'm not old enough to make such big decisions. They said that though I may have tried to fight my attractions for years, I was fighting alone and now I had them to fight with me. But I didn’t feel like fighting any more.
My mom's concern for me turned into anger at my dad. She told him that he's the reason that I'm gay and that if he spent more time with me as a kid, I wouldn't have turned out this way. They began arguing so I told them that I'm going to bed. I walked down the hall with tears in my eyes. I closed my bedroom door, laid on my bed and cried into my pillow. A few minutes later, I heard a knock on my door. "Are my parents here to apologize and tell me they still love me even if I'm gay?" I thought with a bit of hope. I opened the door and saw my mom holding her hand out. "Give me your iPod please." she said. I gave up on fighting for the night and just gave it to her. I was too emotional to argue. She told me to stop crying, kissed me on the cheek and said good night. I returned to bed and cried myself to sleep.
The next few weeks were the most difficult weeks of my life. The feeling of pride in who I am that I had the day before coming out was completely crushed. The next morning, my mom told me that her and my dad had gotten into a big argument after I went to bed last night. She said that years ago, after her friend told her about the dangers of the gay lifestyle, that she told my dad she would divorce him if I ever came out. She said that they hadn't worked it out yet but not to give her any more stress. I felt like she was saying that if they got a divorce, it would be my fault for being gay. But I had to forget all about my pain and try to be happy because it was my sister's birthday. My mom told me that I wasn't allowed to tell Julia that I'm gay because she was only 11 and "too young to understand". I also wasn't allowed to tell my aunt Deb or my grandpa because they would support me and encourage my “sin”. After my sister went to bed that night, my mom and I talked more about my homosexuality. She said that she would read the pro-gay book "The God Box" and let me know what she thought. I went to bed with some hope that my parents might come around to the idea of me being gay if I just gave it some time.
The next day my mom started asking inappropriate and very personal questions about my online habits. Since I was an honest kid, I told her the truth. Unfortunately, that costed me my internet privileges. She told me I was no longer allowed to bring my iPod into my bedroom and that I can only go online if I am sitting right beside her. She would check my messages every few minutes while talking to friends to make sure I wasn't talking inappropriately. Eventually she found out that I was having an online relationship with a boy named Jon. She said that I could keep dating him but we had to act like we were just friends. But that obviously isn’t considered dating. If we didn't act like friends, (even just sending him a heart) I would get grounded.
A couple days later, my mom had finished reading the book. She told me that the author was deceptive and that Satan was using him as a tool to deceive young minds like mine. After about 2 weeks of talking as "just friends" with Jon but "still dating", I decided it would be best to break up with him instead of going on like that. While crying, I broke up with him while my mom looked over my shoulder to approve of what I was saying. He said that he would be ready to date again whenever I was ready. I was happy to hear that but it really pissed my mom off. She told me that Jon doesn't really love me, that he's "full of love" and that his love probably isn't reserved for only me. She said that he probably tells other guys he loves them too and that the only reason that he wanted to be with me is for someone to flirt with. I got up and left the room because I was so hurt and offended. But she threatened that if I didn't sit back down that she would ground me. I sat down again and listened to her lecture me about how I need to help Jon see that sex is "holy and intimate" or he would one day get AIDS and die. I argued with her but she told me to listen to her because she had "supernatural wisdom from God".
Over the next few months, my mom pushed me really hard to turn from the "gay lifestyle". She talked to my Christian counselor about my homosexuality and he agreed to try and help me heal my relationship with my dad. They believed that if my relationship with my dad gets better, then my same-sex attraction would go away. She contacted an "ex-gay" guy and made me meet with him. He shared his story of how he used to be gay but is now in love with a woman and getting married. He gave me a few books on how to overcome homosexuality using prayer and discipline. My mom told me I had to read the books and write a report for every chapter, but I put off reading it. Reading those books made me hate myself. They basically said that homosexuality is a mental disorder that people develop because of rejection from their same-sex parent. My mom didn't let me read anything pro-gay because she viewed it as anti-Christian propaganda. She told me that I've already had enough pro-gay opinions from "the world's perspective" and that I need to read a lot of Christian (anti-gay) opinions in order for it to be fair.
As time went by, I was slowly allowed to get my internet privileges back. But one day my mom was going through my Facebook messages and read a sexual conversation I had with a guy. She told me I was banned from the internet, even on school computers. I was back to only being allowed to talk to people online if I was sitting beside my mom with her reading my conversations constantly. She said that if I didn't like the rules in her house, I could get a job and move out once I'm 16.
My mom began saying that God had been speaking to her and told her that I will become straight one day. I told her it won't happen and it's probably just wishful thinking. But she replied "I know that coming out as gay helped you to make more friends, and lots of girls love having you as their gay best friend. I can see the temptation to stay being gay. I understand." But she didn't understand at all. I couldn’t believe that she seriously thought that I wanted to “stay being gay” because of attention. I guess it’s not as bad as when she told me that if I keep being gay, it would kill her. She said “You are giving me so much stress! The stress is going to cause me to get cancer one day and I could die. Do you seriously want me to die?”
One day I asked my mom if she would punish me if I had sex. I was still a virgin but I wanted to know how big of a punishment she would give me if I decided to change that someday. She told me she would ground me for a month if I ever did, which I thought was an over-reaction. We got into an argument about it then I went to bed. When I woke up the next morning, my mom heard me walking around in my room so she knocked on my door. When I opened the door, my mom said "If you're going to go off and have sex, then here" she handed me her book on overcoming homosexuality. "I'm not going to torture myself any more. I've done my job as a parent." She then said that she had changed her mind about the punishment. If I had sex, I wouldn't get grounded...I would get kicked out of the house. Later in the day, she told me she wouldn't actually kick me out but I’d be grounded for a long time.
My mom continued the anti-gay abuse for quite a while. It caused me to get very depressed. I spent every day feeling empty because my sense of self was constantly getting attacked. I felt like a black person in a family of KKK members. Everyday I went through emotional torture. I stopped going to church as much because I had enough judgment at home. I began cutting myself because of the deep depression I was having and got drunk a few times a week to distract myself from everything that was happening at home. The only place I felt like I found happiness any more was when drinking with friends. They supported me and loved me for who I was and I can’t imagine where I would be now if I didn’t have them. They gave me the strength to wake up every day and be proud of who I was. Unfortunately my mom didn't like them. She told me that I was scraping the bottom of the barrel by being friends with people like them. The self-harm was starting to get so bad that I was doing it daily and the cuts were getting hard to hide. One day my mom saw the cuts on my arm so she took away my blades and put me on anti-depressants. But the pills didn't take away the pain or the desire to harm myself. And no matter how much I cut or cried, my mom was blinded by the bible and couldn't see how much she was hurting me.
I became obsessed with Lady Gaga because she encouraged me to be happy with who I was. I'd listen to her album "Born This Way" on repeat every day. I covered my walls in photos of her and downloaded every one of her songs. When I listened to her music, it gave me hope. She inspired me to stay strong and be myself despite the pain. But my mom viewed that inspiration to stay strong as inspiration to not follow the bible. She took away my CD and said I wasn't allowed to listen to Lady Gaga any more. I told her that not everything she does is gay-related but my mom replied "Give me break. She has a whole song about it. Be a fag, be a queen..." But I wouldn’t stop me from listening to her music. The amount of control my mom was trying to have over me was absolutely ridiculous. I had enough of it. I kept my posters up and continued to do what made me happy. I put up photos of cute guys and gay related posters on the walls inside my closet so my parents wouldn't see them. I painted a rainbow flag on a sheet of paper and put it up in my closet as well. My mom saw them one day but I refused to take them down. I was done being pushed around and I wasn't going to let her make me hate myself any more. But one day I came home from school to see all my posters in my closet ripped up and in the trash. My mom said she had been crying that day because she was worried about me and thought she was being a bad parent for allowing me to keep those posters up. I went into my room and pulled my rainbow flag out of the garbage. It was crumpled into a ball so I flattened it out, grabbed some tape and put it back up on my wall.
I was hurting so much on the inside. I felt like my parents hated me, or at least a big part of me. I couldn't change that I was gay so I had to choose between being happy or pleasing my parents. I chose to be happy, but that didn't make me much happier. It was hard to feel proud of myself when I was being treated like a disgusting pervert every day by my family. I just wanted someone to love me, just as every human wants. But my family made me feel less than human. Who I was didn't matter to my parents because they cared more about how God felt than how I felt. Every day, I wished I was dead but I didn't attempt suicide because of the fear of going to hell for being gay.
I had to deal with the pain and homophobia for about a year before my mom finally stopped trying to change me. I had started going to a non-Christian therapist and she talked to my mom. She told her that homosexuality can't be cured and how ex-gay therapy can be harmful and it actually changed my mom's perspective. After leaving the therapist's office, my mom took me out for ice cream to celebrate that she was finally accepting me. After that day, she calmed down a lot about me being gay, but she still had not completely gotten over her homophobia. She still didn't let me have any gay friends or a boyfriend. Just when I thought things were getting a little better, our church's pastor announced that he was going to preach a sermon on homosexuality. My mom knew that he would be preaching negatively about it, so she sent him an email asking him to be open minded. She never got an email back, so she sent another. She still didn't get a reply back, so she arranged a meeting with the pastor. My mom now had a different interpretation of the verses that condemned homosexuality and shared her thoughts with the pastor. He wouldn't listen and said that the different interpretations were "just gay people trying to make excuses for their sin". A few weeks later, he preached a sermon on how Christians should "hate the sin, love the sinner" and how "marriage is between a man and a woman". I found it completely hypocritical that the next Sunday, the sermon was about how we should ignore the verses against women in the bible because we live in a different time than when the bible was written. I refused to go to church after that and haven't gone back to that church ever since.
During the summer, I began dating Brad. He had given me one of his t-shirts and I started wearing it around the house. My mom noticed the new shirt and asked where I got it. I said my friend Brad gave it to me, but then she started asking questions. Where did you meet him? How old is he? Is he gay? Has he tried anything with you? I was honest about his age and said that he was gay but hasn't tried anything. I was honest with her about him being gay because I thought she had changed and would be okay with it. She said that he probably only wants to be friends so he can have sex with me and that he was trying to lure me in using gifts. She told me that I wasn't allowed to be friends with him anymore and to stop talking to him. I went to my room and messaged Brad about what my Mom said. We agreed that I would come live at his place. At the time, it seemed like the only way to save our relationship. My mom had told me many times that I could move out when I was 16 if I didn't like her rules, so I did. He was my first real boyfriend and my first love. I was willing to do anything to stop us from being torn apart.
Today, my mom is very accepting and doesn't mind that I'm gay. She has gotten to know Brad better and we all get along a lot better now. Though things are better, it's still hard to get over the pain that I went through. Hopefully someday soon I will get over my past and be able to move on. I never want to feel ashamed for who I am ever again.
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