I'm predisposed to being a bit nutty in relationships. I'm jealous, need lots of attention, remember every little slight (both real and imagined), can be overly sensitive and take things the wrong way, have major trust issues, and can be overly analytical of every single thing my partner does and says.However, that's not the kind of partner I want to be. I want to be trusting, and understanding, and to give my partner space. I want to feel secure, and make my partner feel safe and secure, and let him be his own person. My reptile brain may want to be the constant center of his universe, but what I really want as a person is to be a generous, understanding, and kind partner.So, I understand I have a problem. And I manage it. He doesn't text me back when I wish goodnight? My reaction in my head: "Unleash the dogs of war." My actual reaction: "Tell myself I'm crazy, and don't even mention it to him." He's going on a trip with friends: Reaction in my head: "Oh the hell you are! If I'm not going, your not going." My actual reaction: "Encourage him to go, wish him a great time, and even help him out with some of the logistics."Here's where I'm looking for advice: Even though I keep my crazy in check, it doesn't go away. And when I do the right thing, I don't feel any better. I will still obsess over the littlest things in my head for hours or days. When everything turns out fine later I eventually feel better, but I just can't let go of things even though I force myself to go through the motions of being understanding. Is this healthy? Am I simply going through the process of trying to be a mature partner? Or am I repressing feelings that will arise in other ways? Do other people who try to be conscientious partners deal with this, or does it come natural to others? Over time will the crazy die down and the good behaviors become second nature, like "practice makes perfect" or "fake it 'til you make it" sort of thing?Also, notes for context: I was in a LTR for years that sort of lead to me developing some of my crazy because all of the paranoid thoughts and fantasies I had about my partner ended up coming true. My ex did cheat, did lie, did abuse drugs and alcohol behind my back, etc, etc. So in that relationship I learned to sort of trust my crazy, because it turned out to be right! My current partner is a saint and is totally honest, open, and no bullshit. I do not want to mess things up with him due to the toxic combo of my own predisposition to crazy and my nasty ex.
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