Not sure (long read)

So little background story.I'm gay, if asked yes, can be a little effeminate but not a queen. Had a few failed relationships, with last one basically with an abusive. So after over a year, I'm like I need sex! But I was actually scared if letting anyone touch me. So onlinr dating, after abit of fuzz ,meet somone im happy to, he Organise a meet all good.he isn't out and bi. He was gentleman, took time and It was first time in years I enjoyed physical contact with somone. Roll on? 5 months, its still discrete hour or two meets. First started it was 2-3* a week, then it increased to 5* one week, and I was still looking for someone to Date more traditional, and I go to a date etc went OK. I tell him about this, and date has me over new year, treats me like shit and boom I leave it. Go back to the not out bi guy, and I tell him, he says he don't care, u shouldn't care. But now meets are getting more and more apart,I've obviously gotten attached to him alot, and have made attempts to leave him alone, del number, not contacted him, but he got in touch with me. Nothing big, just a "hi" Over these months in past I've sent him some really bad "I'm in love with you", etc messages when drunk. So its no secret, and I respect his space so leavs him to it.What should I do?I'm starting to feel he might be doing macho " I'm not gay* but actually wants something. Or am I being hopeless romantic?I used to sit watching my phone for his messages and crying over it.But because I've littery crashed n burned emotionally and physical (migraines, blackouts) due to not sleeping etc I've been placed onto beta blockers and prozac. I've only had one therapy session so far, A lot my anexity and depression stem from fear of losing people and because I've been made redundant twice, and sacked from multiple jobs over retarded reason. From someone who had low self-esteem to begin with. I just didn't actually cope or deal with. Good ole bottle it up.So I want NSA, as its away from anything that could hurt me. But I've ened up with regular with same guy, and I like him. Not sure if he likes me? I prepare myself to never see him again, but he contact me. I keep going back.