Let's talk about daddy issues

Hi, r/gay. I'll get right to it. I came out to my dad in my mid teens. He died three months later after being in the hospital for months (unrelated). Those three months, I barely visited him because everything was just so awkward between us. I could barely look him in the eye, much less talk to him. I beat myself up everyday for not talking to him more then. One of the few times I visited him, the look in his eye killed me. It was indescribable.I'm an adult now. And I have what I guess you would call daddy issues. Although it's not exclusive, I can't deny that I'm very attracted to older men and the stereotypical relationship that would go along with. I'll be blunt, I want a man to fill in the hole my father's death left in me. I know it's unrealistic. I know it's whatever else you're probably thinking about saying right now, too.Normally, this would be where I stop typing and someone would say "go for it yolo" or "get help," but I really do not want to go down this road. It's not that I'm ashamed, its that I'm afraid of living out a future partner. My mother is at least a decade younger than my dad. I have seen what living out your partner does to a person. I do not want to become her. I know myself. I'm 100% positive I would kill myself without a second thought if it ever came to that.So here I am. Stuck in some weird sort of limbo. Hooking up isn't enough. I want a long term relationship with an older man, but I can't let myself. Besides the fact that I know I would make it unhealthy, what if it did last? It's very likely he would die a significant amount of time before me. Then what would I have? I'm not an ambitious person. The only thing I want out of life is love, I know I would not be able to handle death taking it away from me.I don't really know what kind of response I'm looking for right now. Just tell me something. Anything. Comforting words, advice, being able to relate, I don't know. Anything. I don't have anyone in real life that I'm comfortable with talking about this to.