One last time hopefully

hello reddit. i've shared my story with my boyfriend and and it's months later and it's still going. hopefully this is my last entry. we tried to make it work after realizing how wrapped up in each other we were. more stuff happened. I was beat once. I was cheated on every day but I endured it because I had strayed once too and I thought i deserved it. We were running from hotel to hotel together trying to make us last as long as possible. his family took me in for a little until he kicked me out of the blue when he was starting a new job. I was so sad and suicidal and admitted myself to a hospital. I got out and moved back into my now supportive parents. I tried so hard to make it work. I told him i was determined to love him and care for him as much as I could if he promised to do the same. he would agree but turn against me not too long after that. i had to beg him out of his anxiety ridden mind in where he thought i was planning to hurt him. we were driving each other insane. i had a panic attack because i didn't know what he wanted from me i was willing to forgive him and love him which is what he swore he wanted but he pushed me away so much. he pushed me so much. and still i didn't abandon him. i held him when he cried. I now realize he's not my burden anymore but it hurts so much. I don't blame him for anything. I don't resent him for anything. my confidence and self esteem are non existant but I don't blame him. we destroyed each other so much. i think it was too late a couple of months ago. I'm so stupid. I'm so so stupid. he's a lost soul looking for company and for someone to hold his hand but he didn't let me. i'm so broken. i threw myself at him and he accepted and then didn't and then did. he's born from all this sadness and pain and now I'm a part of that. I don't hate him. I love him so much. I want him to help he needs but I don't even think that's possible in his current household with a mom who gave him oxys all throughout high schools and a loud, mean brother. i didn't want this for him. i didn't want to. why is this so hard? why did he have to hurt me so much so constantly. I wanted to give him all of me but he wouldn't take my hand. no matter how much he wanted to he wouldn't take my hand. i can't help but feel such heavy guilt. it's really over now. i don't know what's going to happen to him but i'm going to worry every single day. I'm going to cry every single day because i won't know how he is or how he is doing and pray to anything out there that he is fine and okay. i'm so broken. i'm so so so so so broken. why does it hurt so much. why did i let myself become so involved. i was so naive. i was looking to be loved and to love. what do i do. please help me