I need help.

I’m 17yo boy.I don’t know where to begin.I’ve always liked girls. Even today. But I’ve always also been attracted to boys. I remember in baseball I’d have this crush on a guy that I thought was cute. I’d reject my feelings, though. I didn’t want to be gay. I feel mixed and confused. The only gender I could see myself having a relationship with is a girl. But I can’t stop fantasizing about boys. I don’t think I’m bi, that’s too much for me to handle. I don’t want to be gay. It makes me depressed and suicidal thinking about being gay. But I can’t stop feeling this way. Even the though of my parents seeing me as gay sickens me. I know for a fact they’d love me no matter what. But I will never, ever in my lifetime come out as gay to anyone. I don’t want this.Any feedback helps.