Is being gay supposed to be this lonely?

Tl;dr: It's probably just me. Don't mind my 4:30am ramblings lol.I'm sitting here thinking of what to write. I'm wondering if what I write will get me bashed on here or have someone tell me to "just get out there and try." I have tried going to local gay groups in the past, but I don't ever feel comfortable, and 9 times out of 10, I'm the the odd one out (youngest, my appearance is different, etc.). I have never found a place to fit into, much less the gay community in my area.Is it bad that I sometimes wonder how my life would be if I were straight? It's entirely possible it could've been worse, but I run to the idea that maybe, just maybe, I'd have a lot of close friends, have parents who support me more, not be so afraid to say what I want to say or do what I want to do. I wonder if I were gay and white, I'd be more likable, more tolerable, or maybe more attractive to the same gender. That might be controversial or even offensive to some, but those are my thoughts.But then I think, being gay has nothing to do with my personality. I could be straight and be sitting here writing on r/lonelystraightmen or something wondering if I were gay, I'd be more popular. I see that all the time in the media and in movies and I consume it because it is something I wish to be but am not and probably will never be. Gay movies feel somewhat similar and tell us that if you're gay your friend or classmates will take a sudden interest in you, you'll automatically look and dress better, and you will win the love interest at the end of the day.I had a good friend recently that was gay and I had a good time with, but feelings and drama got in the way and it was too toxic of a relationship. I wonder if I didn't have the feelings, if I could've just seen him as a friend maybe just maybe I would be a little less lonely. But it's me, its always me.I'm sorry for anybody who had to read this incredibly stupid, childish rantings of someone almost in his 30s. I just wonder if anybody else feels this sense of "Why did the universe put me down this path that I couldn't decide?" and feel a deep loneliness that may or may not be attributed to being gay or trans or anything other than straight and cis. I just wish I had someone I could trust to be a crutch right now and enjoy talking to without it being awkward like it normally is for me and without feelings getting in the way.