I'm tired

I'm just tired of this life. I'm 42 and closeted, coming out is a luxury I can't afford. I'm handicap and I depend on my homohater family, there's no way out, no way for me to experience the love of a man, the real intimacy of s relationship. I want to end it all but I don't have the guts to do it. Sometimes I wish someone would put me out if this misery.