Finally the Light

It was only a year and a half ago that I started the process of really accepting my sexuality. I met a guy and we dated for four months, but I knew something was off. And I was still living in the programming of religion. I had a nervous breakdown and our relationship ended. So I quickly went back into hiding and repressing. I thought I was a terrible person. I thought being gay was a kind of doom.I was kicked out of a church and I started researching the Bible's history for the first time and ancient history and brain neuroscience, psychology. I started going to a therapist and after three months I was told I'd have to start seeing a trauma specialist. So I began working with one doing somatic experiencing which is a physical therapy that reintegrates your mind with your body. This work has been...life changing. And a couple weeks before I began this I met a guy named Jonathan.Jonathan and I have been dating for a month. Our minds and sense of humor really meld together, like great friends. Literally every time I see him smile, which is like constantly, my heart just falls apart inside. We ate at a brilliant hole in the wall today and trekked a cemetery. He showed me how to crack a pecan with his jaw and we ate a grapefruit in my kitchen. And for the first time, we kissed and just hugged each other for a long time.I did not feel fear, I only felt heartstopping happiness. I couldn't believe he was there, with me, and I can't believe that I get to know and appreciate him every day. I never expected I could feel peace like this, and just pure joy as a gay man. They told me it would be this dark and miserable and confusing thing.