Feeling inadequate as a gay man?

Hey guys,25, cis-male, London, been out for 11 years, currently partnered.I'm recently coming to some really strange and interesting revelations about myself, and was wondering if any of you guys have ever had anything similar.Basically got with my boyfriend about 3 months ago. He's got quite a lot of gay friends and is very involved in his sexuality and seems very sure of himself. He does receive private psychosexual therapy to explore his sexuality more. He's really into sex (does life drawing, got loads of naked pics and gifs of him fucking people etc) because I think it genuinely interests him. He suggested we do an open relationship which we tried for a while and was going quite well, but I've recently 'closed' it again. This is partly as I have had a total relationship breakdown with my best friend of 20 years, and my dad, which has been incredibly stressful for me. However, I think the biggest chunk and reason I wanted to close it for now though, is what I'm about to tell you. Until I get this sorted in my head, I hope you'll see why pursuing an open relationship would not be healthy for me, nor fair to him.Since I've been with him I've learnt so much about myself, but a lot of stuff that I'm thinking is starting to confuse and make me quite upset. I'm just going to give examples, as I can't really explain something concisely that I don't understand myself.Example 1. I first met him I found out he was on PrEP and had been for about a year. I didn't realise you could get PrEP online, and immediately bought myself a course. I'm not sure why I did this. I've always engaged in safe sex (with condoms), but some innate feeling of inadequacy said to me that if I'm a gay man, I should be on it. Everyone else is clearly on it - why am I not? I'm now engaging in bareback sex with him, and am considering doing it with other people when we re-open the relationship. Although I don't think this is a bad thing considering PrEP is pretty much as effective as condoms in HIV prevention, it's not something I would have considered without this weird insecurity thing!Example 2. I found out that he had a jock strap. That's something that normally has never bothered me and that hadn't even crossed my mind, but that same feeling came back and I felt like I should buy one too! So I did! I even started taking naked pictures etc, why? Was it an attempt to 'prove' that I'm as gay as him, and that I'm as sure about my sexuality as him? It's almost as if I have this innate pressure to assimilate with gay culture more, when I've never done this before.More examples. If I see that he's liked a club night page on Facebook which I haven't been to - same feeling of inadequacy. When I found out he had a sex toy I don't - same feeling, same inadequacy When I know he's had a fuck buddy and I haven't - same feeling. It's this feeling of gross inadequacy that I can't seem to quash.I've always been a serial dater, so not into random hook ups. I've done a Grindr hook up twice in my life, which I enjoyed but didn't blow me away. Previously this never bothered me, but I guess now there is this comparison point of my boyfriend it's stirring up all these feelings that I've done being gay wrong and I've not lived the proper gay experience? As I said, he's quite into sex and seems to want to explore it in different scenarios. I've only ever done it after a date, with partners, or yes, the occasional club hook up! I just feel like I'm comparing myself to him, and by extension, the wider gay community, and feeling like I've done something wrong.My boyfriend as a person has never pressured me or anything to do stuff like this, and I genuinely don't think he's the problem - I'm actually thankful that being with him has caused me to think about all this, as I'm genuinely interested now in why I'm having these thoughts. I know he'd be keen to hear this but I've decided that instead of just blurting stuff out, I'm going to seek advice from other places a little more before I do.It also isn't a feeling that's exclusive to this relationship (what's exclusive to this one is I'm beginning to recognise these insecurities). I remember my previous boyfriend had engaged in a lot of sex, and I had those same feelings that time: "Why haven't I engaged in loads of sex?", "Why have I never been to a sauna?". He told me he regretted so much of it, but I still had some strange feelings of jealousy that I hadn't, despite him telling me that it had had a profoundly negative effect upon his mental health and that he's glad he got out.Here's the truly mad one, and my final example, although this list is not exhaustive. I watched Vice's 'Chemsex' documentary the other night about people who had quite literally pushed their bodies to their limits, got hooked up drugs, caught HIV etc. And I found myself half horrified for those people and feeling so sorry for them, but another part of me was jealous of them?! WHAT THE HELL. I stopped doing drugs about 9 months ago because they were ruining my mental health and I've never wanted to engage in group sex (I prefer 3 people involved max thank you!), but this documentary made me wish, in some weird convoluted way, that I had experienced something like that. Figure that out! I can't.I think a lot of it comes from the innate sense that I'm not engaging with myself enough and my sexuality, and the catalyst for me having these insecurities is me forming comparisons between me and my boyfriend. Even regarding when we tried an open relationship, I found myself on Grindr 10x more than when I would when I was single. What was I trying to do? Prove to myself that I could do an open relationship and that I was a highly sexual being, even though all the evidence points to me not being?There are some positives to it all. I'm glad I'm on PrEP because now when we re-discover openness, I can be safer. I really like my jock strap! And a big part of me wants to engage with myself a little more sexually and explore what I am capable of and seek to enjoy experiences I haven't had yet! Part of me even thinks that I wanted to give an open relationship a go because everyone was doing it; thankfully after a lot of thought, I think I do actually want to pursue this eventually as although I have definitely fallen in love with my boyfriend, I do want to have sex with other people at some point during my life. A life with a partner and wanting to fuck other people can only be navigated by an open relationship, so I definitely want to work through all of this so I give it another go.Anyway, have any of you experienced anything like this? I absolutely know it's irrational and ridiculous, so you don't need to tell me that, but I might just get some comfort from knowing that others have been in the same boat. Do you have any advice for people experiencing this?Luckily I'm getting a referral to an LGB group which deals with a lot of these things soon, followed by 1:1 LGB counselling, so I know I'll be able to work through a lot of stuff then, but I wanted to see if I could get any advice from you guys first!Cheers all, sorry for the rant.tl;dr can't shorten this. sorry!