I need some help... :/

Well,I know that I will be kicked from group and that things,but I am soo desperate that I dont have any choice left. I am 13.And I think that I found out that Im gay when I was 11.Until age 13,I found everything OK,but... Last 4-5 months I am so stresed and sad.I keep thinking about future.On one side,I want to live ,,gay life" (I want to be myself),and from the other side, I keep thinking ways to hide that.I dont wanna tell my parents and friends.Last months I searched about everything.Gay life,marriage,suicide,Russians and that things....But because I think that I will hide my sexuality,I love to read ,,How I met my BF" stories. So after reading some posts from some guys I just want some PROFESSIONAL help.Plss dont spread hate about my age or my thinking,I just want some help... 😯