So fucking alone

Hey fellow gay people thanks for reading I need to vent and I don't really have anyone to talk to about this.So I'm 22 about to graduate college, my freshman year I met this amazing guy on jackd. He was everything I've ever needed about 8 years older than me and just an awesome person. He would drive me to school and we would hangout doing nothing and just being in love, he really loved me and cared about me and I did to.But one day I started to feel depressed and decided to tell him to leave me alone. A few months after that we started hanging out again then my dad killed himself and I got depressed and told him to fuck off again.Now almost two years later I'm still fucked up over this relationship. We still ocasonially hangout but it always ends with me trying to hug him and he literally physically pushes me away. It hurts so much that he doesn't want to be with me now that I've learned from my mistakes I would never leave him again if he took me back.I'm so tried of this, wanting him when he's moved on, hating myself for ruining what could have been a fulfilling relationship, basically begging him to be with me. He says he loves me but he doesn't want to be with me, if that's not the most confusing shit ever idk what is.I have no body, no friends, no-one who knows me for more than a fuck. It's so depressing I'm really lost. My life is so fucking empty and he's out there getting anyone he wants, having fun at bars without me. And I'm just this ugly fucking pathetic loser. I wish I could be one of the popular gay guys that everyone loves.It just hurts to know that he knows me well enough to know I'm not worth being with. I wish I could kill myself but I can't hurt my mom like that. I'm just so tired of feeling like this.How could I meet someone who loved me and just push them away for no reason. I guess it had something to do with a guy who hurt me along time ago. I guess after being thrown away by a guy years ago made me think that's the normal thing to do when you care is push them away. I wish I had some hope but it just feels like I'm worthless for treating people so badly.It's really just a pattern I guess everytime I get close I childishly push guys away. He's Just the one I've loved the most. I feel like a fucking monster how do I forgive myself?