I'm fucked up - help...whats wrong with me

Hello folks from reddit,it's 3am in the morning and i can't sleep and i need someone to help me or maybe just talk to.... discovered this and other subrredits and thought why not just try it...I'm a 19yo guy - i feel like my life is slowly spiraling out of control over the last couple of months...I have considered professional help but idk if it really is worth it and i'm also a little bit afraid of judgement and possible severe consequencesI am still living at home and just had another rather ugly fight with my parents... one of many over the last months since that specific day where it all went wrong...and its actually entirely my faultFirst of all some things about me: Im a college student. I consider myself an introvert and very thoughtful person..i never had many friends - and thats fine - i for myself only need a few close ones. I wasnt hugely popular in high school but i was resourceful to most of my classmates... I was sometimes teased but never to the point where it got out of hand...i was a straight A student so got into a good college in a good program - i was always very hard working in college until last semester - i started d to become lazier...and now my grades are kinda suffering...But i very recently started to question myself wether i am capable of loving someone....i don't actually know what love feels like, i read about it but feel it? Meh - i care about people sure, but i feels like its only because everybody else does and its sort of a habbit - and sometimes i even do it for ulterior motives... i never felt and still dont feel like i miss someone, not parents, not friends - its indifferent to me - i do go out with friends on occasion, but its mostly just talking and discussing things while drinking alcohol....sure its fun, but it doesnt make me feel closer to them....shouldnt care and love be a warming and altruistic thing? Why am i that way? I am concerned for myself and i am afraid of never feeling something other than practical and nice companionship for someone and ending up alone later in my life...And yes, i am getting laid and yes its quite fun but it still feels like a purely arranged setting with a nice person - i am not really feeling anything except maybe arousal during sex...Ok back to the other thing - just please dont judge me for anything i did or goes on in my mind...i know that i'm quite unnormal or unconventional - even sick as some would probably put it..i just want somebody geniuine to talk to: i was closeted gay until very recently - and still am semi closeted...I have really weird and quite perverted fantasies about many things...i have a thing for worn clothes - i know thats not a nuclear desaster...but i have to hide it from my parents obviously...i also have a spying fetish for men on toilets....and thats where it all goes downhill... Basically i was caught filming - he called the police and basically made a statement against me - i apologized profusely and deleted everything on the phone but he still pressed for it to be investigated..so they took my phone and my laptop - which has problematic things on it...i do understand him but its hard to deal with....since the police got involved, i receive letters which i trid to hide as best as possible from my parents but my father eventually caught on...about everything and i had my coming out trying to explain this...he even discovered the worn clothes i got from other guys.....he was naturally angry and hysterical and called me all sorts of things - he said i should probably go to a psychiatrist and that i am sick in my mind for being gay and having fetishes - unnormal, against nature my father said..idk, maybe he is right - fetishism to these extremes are mental illnesses after all although i dont agree on the gay thing....anyways, my father told me to throw out all thosse things and be normal again...i only threw away parts of the worn clothes and hid the rest....since then my parents dont trust me on anything anymore (understandably, kinda) they now constantly ask questions and check everything i bring home, buy or check where i am and what i am doing...even my banking statements... Things calmed down after a while and they started to ignore it....i am still dealing with the criminal charges, idk if it gets to court or not...Then today, everything blew up again...my father called me cold and destroying our family and hurting my mother...maybe i am, idk...i certainly did something very shitty...Now i dont know what to do...i'm desperate and hurt deeply and for the first time in my life i am really really afraid...It wod be nice if someone could talk to me and give me some genuine advice....please