Afraid to show my gay self

"Afraid to come out" could've been the title too, but I have a compulsive need to be original.So this story up next is gonna be a bit blunt at times and I hope I don't offend anyone. I wouldn't tell it as blunt as I do here sometimes to a person in real life, but I feel that on the internet I can be a bit more straight to the point.For the last two years I've been fighting back from depression. I'm 26 years old now. When I was 12 I first had the thought: "I think I might be gay". From that point on I always had this uncomfortable part of me that I pushed away. But I actually managed well. I was pretty happy! I got a girlfriend when I was 15 and although sexually sometimes I thought there was something missing, it was nothing that bothered me too much. We had a good time together. When our relationship ended when I was 17 the thought of me being gay had become louder. The doubt was becoming more... Something that was in the way. I still had a good residue of confidence and happiness though, but I feel like it's about that time that the feeling of being comfortable in my own skin really started eroding. My girlfriend and I broke up, and I couldn't share these thoughts. It fellt like a dark secret. A dark confusion. I tried to get other girlfriends but it never worked out. I either didn't feel it, or it never really became 'real' because I stayed in this fantasy world with girls untill they found a guy who really went for them. I realized this pattern lately, that almost all the girls I've fallen in love with since I was a boy, these were in my fantasies. I never had the guts to try to 'conquer' them. Recently I think this might be due to the fact that I had no real 'drive' to do so. It's still confusing for me, as you may observe by my meanderings. I've come to this place to maybe try to work some things out honestly. So, so win the fight with depression I figured it would be a good idea to literally start fighting. I've been doing brazilian jiu jitsu and MMA for the past 2 years. I wanted to cultivate an attitude of going towárds my fears instead of avoiding them. One of my biggest fear was the fear of being gay. Fighting is a 'manly' thing to do and also it's very physical. It was never something I pursued. I was more of a musical theatre kid. Excibit A, anyone? ;) Stereotypes aside, I have learned a lot from fighting. It thought me I am pretty strong as a person and it bolstered a feeling of feeling 'safe' in my own space. I always feel like I have something to hide though, when I'm in these classes. These classes are very open-minded. My family and my friends at school and other are also very accepting of gay people. Still I have this shame within me. Whenever I feel gay, whenever I think another guy smells nice or I think he's very handsome, I hide that. It's not even very sexual; it's just gay, and I have a hard time accepting that and letting it shine trough. I'm afraid of the implicatons. So by omitting this part of myself pretty much troughout my daily life, I really feel a strong disconnect with me and other people. That feeling of having to hide something, it's just awful and alienating and frankly, humiliating. It makes me hate myself. Which I think is a terrible thing, but I have a hard time not doing it. For a while I thought that I could just be me. Just be yourself, I told myself. No matter the labels or anything, just let it be. But I still feel like I have this secret. I haven't really accepted it within myself I guess you could conclude. Part of this is the fear of other people's perspective on me (which shouldn't matter) and part of this is a fear of my own sexuality as something I couldn't control. I feel like there's this flamboyant gay man inside me that just wans to go crazy. That's my fear. I'm sorry if this offends anyone, because I do not think there's something wrong with it, it's just that it's either not me or I have a hard time accepting it is me.I feel trapped a lot of times. Like people don't know the real me and I can't show the real me. And I think it's because I don't accept that I'm gay. Or at least bisexual. A lot of people around me know about my doubts, but I've never really stated to someone that I'm gay. Because it has been more confusion for myself than just a straught up unwillingness to be gay. I've never had a gay experience and I would like to have one... I just want to know. I'm sick of all this confusion around who I am sexually within myself. I masturbate to straight porn, but often do it with a limp penis. Often it doesn't do a lot for me. Watching gay porn is a bit weird for me, though. Again, I'm not sure why, gay sexuality just makes me afraid. I guess I judge it deep inside. I have a hard time coming to terms with it within myself. I wanted to share this story here to maybe reach out to other people who are in a similar situation, or to get some advice from people who've overcome this. The fear of the sexuality like it's something out of your control, the fear of other people's opinions... Would love to get some insight or inspiration. With love, A struggling guy.