Being gay... well, for starters, it sucks.

I'm gay, first-and-foremost. I've accepted that. It's an integral part of who I am; and like any deep stain, it can't be scrubbed out.Yes, I use the word "stain" because I don't like being gay. Just because I'm accepting of my reality doesn't mean I like it. I'd much rather be straight: I didn't get a date to the dance, a high school crush, a fling or two, to flirt with somebody I liked a lot. I don't get to be out in public with somebody I love, to start a family, to be open around my friends and family, to be true to myself in the eyes of others. I don't get normal. It makes me feel like a freak, sometimes.I have gay friends whom I appreciate a lot and am very happy for, seeing them grow increasingly comfortable and confident in their own skin. None of them know that I am gay. I don't have the heart to tell them. More accurately, I don't have the heart to mend my own.So I sit here, isolated and alone in my hidden feelings. I'm not really sure where to go from here. On one hand, I could keep abusing pornography and masturbation, sometimes spicing it up with a food-binge or a couple of cigarettes, maybe a beer; perhaps get a "girlfriend"; and keep living the lie I've spent years trudging my way into. On the other hand, I could rip myself from the sludge, no matter how hard it may be or how long it may take. I lie, lie, lie. I don't like lying and I'm a trapped hypocrite, but I can't bring myself to admit that I'm gay in a self-respecting and self-loving capacity.You spend a lifetime knowing that you feel different, being told that it's terribly wrong, and trying to pretend that you feel the same way as most-everyone else. Deep down, though, there's always that swirling vortex of emotion that, no matter how much you may resist its temptation, seems to be drawing you in a-touch closer here-and-there. You can't run away from who you are forever, but I feel like I can sure as hell try to outlast.Even then, I doubt outlasting is much of an option. I've been in five relationships with gals over the years and every single one has failed due to my inability to figure out to bob-and-weave through the lie. I try to love them and give them everything I have, but when you don't get anything in return - not because of them, but because of your own natural inhibitions - you can't keep it up. It's so exhausting and hurtful both to yourself and, ultimately, the girl. And my unhealthy habits are going to end up biting me in the ass, I know that for sure.I'm a bit dazed, lost and confused. It's beyond me at this point to know what I should do.